What He Wants
by redqueen76
Summary: It's not that Kakashi needs him, because he doesn't. But Kakashi wants him, and Kakashi always gets what he wants. --Hey Diddle Diddle, "Scroll Darling" KakaIru. Or IruKaka, if you're picky.
1. Chapter 1

This is a story based on the drabble "Scroll Darling" by Hey Diddle Diddle, which is published on this site. I have received permission from Hey Diddle Diddle to write this, which is basically a continuation of the drabble, but I don't think it's necessary to read the drabble in order to understand the story.

**What He Wants**

**Part 1**

Iruka wakes up with adrenaline spilling into his system and _Predator! _shrieking through his brain.

Like any well-trained ninja, he doesn't startle or gasp. He continues the rhythmic breathing of sleep and uses biofeedback to control his heart rate, reaching out with all senses other than sight to take stock of the situation. His circumstances, though, prove more confusing than informative.

He is at home, in bed, with a bare body pressed warmly against his side, and his feeling of imminent danger keeps increasing.

He opens his eyes to meet both of his lover's, the Sharingan spinning, as Kakashi rests on an elbow and looks down at Iruka, smiling gently.

"Kakashi...?" Iruka releases the kunai he's been gripping, settling it into the thigh holster he wears to bed. He sweeps the room quickly with his eyes; nothing seems out of place.

"Nightmare?" Kakashi murmurs, Iruka's eyes snapping back to his face. His left eye is closed now, as usual.

The adrenaline begins to fade, leaving him feeling both jittery and drained. He runs a hand over his face and grunts noncommittally. "Time 'sit?"

His alarm goes off behind him as soon as the words leave his mouth. Kakashi reaches over and clicks it off. "It's about that time."

Iruka groans, slowly becoming aware of a throbbing headache. He wakes up with them more often than not, these days, and they aren't at all easy to get rid of. He doesn't like going to the doctor, but he will have to soon, if these keep recurring with the frequency they have been. Plus headaches do nothing for his notoriously short fuse.

He feels Kakashi slip out of bed, and sits up carefully. He refuses to do something as telling as rub his temples, but his movements as he gets dressed are uncharacteristically slow. He turns to leave the bedroom and almost walks right into Kakashi, who is holding out a cup of tea and some pills. Iruka smiles and takes them, scalding his tongue as he washes down the medicine, sets the tea on his dresser and wraps his arms around his still-naked lover. "Thanks."

Kakashi's arms slip tightly around his waist. "I don't like it when you hurt."

Iruka snorts, kissing his neck. "Me neither."

Breakfast is a quiet, comfortable affair, and by the time Iruka finishes his rice and salmon he's dismissed his unsettling awakening as a reaction to Kakashi's uncovered Sharingan. Just another consequence of being the lover of an eccentric ANBU-level nin. If it wasn't scary sometimes, it wouldn't be interesting.

"How's your head?" Kakashi asks, mask around his chin as he swills coffee that resembles the detritus at the bottom of a swamp.

Iruka shrugs. "It's been worse. I'm still really thankful that Naruto and Konohamaru have graduated already. I've got troublemakers, but none quite so ear-splitting."

Kakashi smiles, though his open eye clouds a little at the mention of Naruto. Iruka forces himself not to apologize; Kakashi hates it when he apologizes for mentioning anything regarding his three former students.

"I'll bring you some more pills at lunch, in case you need them," Kakashi is saying.

"You don't have to do that; I'll just take some with me when I leave."

Kakashi stares into the nearly-solid sludge in his cup. "We can eat together," he says pointedly. "I'll make crab cakes."

Iruka laughs. Kakashi's crab cakes are worth any amount of headache suffering, and the bastard knows it, but he usually only makes them when he wants Iruka to do something he doesn't want to do. "You don't have to bribe me, you know. I'm happy to eat with you any day." He raises a brow, smirking. "Unless there's more to this than just lunch?"

Kakashi finally looks at him, and his smile is toothy and brilliant, very rare. Iruka feels terribly privileged to see it. "You know me too well, Sensei. But today I just feel like making them for you."

"Don't be late, then," Iruka says softly, unnecessarily. Kakashi's lateness seems to be reserved for other people, because he's never been late to meet Iruka for anything.

Kakashi reaches across the table and squeezes his hand. "Wouldn't dream of it, Sensei."

He squeezes back, lets go and gets up to clear the table and finish getting ready.

Kakashi kisses him fiercely, possessively, as he leaves for the Academy. When Iruka tears himself away he knows his lips are visibly kiss-swollen and the fire he feels under his skin is probably showing in his thrice-cursed face that blushes too easily, but even with his head still throbbing his grin is wide and his mood is very much improved.

It stays improved until he catches sight of _her_ out of the corner of his eye, and sighs unhappily.

_She_ is a young woman, about 5'3", with a pixie face and short dark hair. Pretty enough. A civilian named Shiko who was caught in a collapsing building during Orochimaru's attack over a year ago. She is slightly brain-damaged, slightly crazy—not enough for her to be locked up, but enough that she has been causing Iruka quite a bit of grief lately.

She believes that she and Iruka were in a relationship for several months, when he suddenly stopped coming around for no reason and claimed he couldn't remember her. She has obviously been spying on him and Kakashi for a long time, because the arguments she uses to try and convince Iruka of the truth of her story often involve conversations, experiences he had with Kakashi. The only real puzzle for Iruka is how she, a civilian, managed to gather so much information on two ninja, one of whom is nearly the most powerful in Konoha. The only explanation he can come up with is that she just slipped under their radar, which isn't very satisfying.

He has a restraining order out on her, and she knows she shouldn't be within fifty yards of him, but she seems very desperate and often won't leave him alone until he's forced to summon the authorities. Even so, he feels strangely compassionate towards her, and usually tries to reason with her for a little while first, even though he knows it's futile.

"Iruka, wait," she calls nervously, her gaze furtive and almost fearful. He wants to keep walking, but his compassion prevents him. The poor woman doesn't know any better, after all. "Iruka, please, look," she pleads, holding out a ceramic mug with a beautiful blue glaze. The handle is shaped like a dolphin.

Iruka's heart almost stops. Kakashi bought him that mug. "Shiko-san, where did you get that?" If she's broken into his house—but no, he saw that mug in his cabinet this morning, and Kakashi should still be in his apartment. It has to be a different mug; the artist who made them had several on display.

Shiko's eyes light up. "Do you remember something? I bought this for you from that shop in the Southern district. You groaned and said you'd had quite enough of people giving you dolphin-themed gifts, but the glazing was so pretty that I bought it anyway…" She trails off as Iruka's mouth falls open and his eyes narrow. "Iruka? Can you remember?"

Iruka does remember. He remembers the shop, and he remembers saying that—to Kakashi. Perhaps she really should be a ninja, with information-gathering skills like that. "Listen, Shiko-san," he sighs wearily. "I feel like I've been pretty tolerant so far, but this obsession with me has got to stop, or I'm going to be forced to have you arrested."

Shiko drops the mug, which shatters on the road. Her head falls back, her eyes full of despair. "It's not an obsession, damn it! You have to remember! I love you, Iruka! We were…we were…" Frustrated sobs choke her off, and suddenly her hands claw and her face distorts with rage. "Damn him. Fucking son of a bitch. Son of a bitch! Kakashi!!!"

As though her snarl-scream has summoned him, the jounin appears in front of Iruka, blocking the madwoman from view. Iruka can feel the rage in his chakra, and knows better than to touch his lover or say anything to him, but he fears for the woman's life.

"What have I told you," Kakashi says, his voice deceptively low and calm, "about bothering Iruka with your nonsense?"

Shiko lunges at Kakashi, but she might as well be moving in slow-motion. Within the space of a blink, she is on the ground, wrists broken. "How are you doing this?!" she screams, and her noise has now brought spectators. "Fuck you, how is this possible?! You bastard son of a bitch!!!"

Another blink, and two ANBU have shown up with a medic, and they whisk the woman away, still screeching like a banshee, cursing Kakashi.

When there is merciful silence once again, and the crowd has shuffled away under the copy-nin's formidable glare, Kakashi turns to Iruka. "You okay?" he asks, rubbing his hands up and down Iruka's arms solicitously.

Iruka takes a slightly shaky breath. "Yeah. I feel sorry for her, but, shit…she needs some serious help, Kakashi. If she was a ninja, or you weren't, I'd be worried about you."

"Don't indulge her," Kakashi says. "If you don't talk to her, she won't get so worked up. I feel sorry for her too, but you're not doing her any favors by letting her talk to you, you know? If you demonstrate that you're not willing to let her have any contact with you, it's more likely that this will blow over sooner rather than later."

"I just don't understand why she picked me. I mean, before she started coming up to me insisting we were a couple, I'd never seen her before in my life."

"Well, she'd obviously seen you, Sensei," Kakashi says, and Iruka can see his wry smile even under his mask.

"Obviously." Iruka rolls his eyes and sighs. "You going after them?"

"Yeah, I'll need to fill out the paperwork. She'll be detained this time, you know. Probably sent to a psychiatric ward, after. I mean, a civilian attacking Hatake Kakashi must be totally nuts, right?" He grins, grabbing Iruka's hands.

"You still coming for lunch?"

"Of course. This won't take long. But you're late now, Sensei."

"Yeah, yeah," he says, leaning over to kiss Kakashi, who leans into it, and then teleports away.

Iruka stares down at the remains of the dolphin-handled mug, and frowns. He feels like he's overlooking something vital, but he can't begin to imagine what. Eventually he shakes his head and continues on his way to the Academy, mentally preparing to have to shout down his little hellions, who like to cause mischief when he's late. Thankfully, by the time he reaches the Academy gates his headache isn't nearly so bad anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

It's been two days since Iruka last saw Shiko, and he hopes that she's getting the help she needs. Unpleasant as it is to have a stalker, he doesn't harbor any ill will toward her. If she were at all capable of harming him or Kakashi, it might have been a different story, but as it is he can't help pitying her, and wondering what it is about himself that caught her attention in the first place.

Come to think of it, he wonders what caught _Kakashi's_ attention in the first place. The only thing notable about Iruka is his friendship with Naruto, and maybe his ability to bellow so loudly that everyone from here to Earth country can hear him. He's a good ninja and an excellent teacher, but that's hardly comparable to being Sharingan Kakashi, Master of a Thousand Jutsu.

He tries to let his mind drift back to when he and Kakashi first got together, because it seems like he should know by now what sparked his lover's interest. But trying to think about it causes his persistent headache to throb sickeningly.

Iruka sighs, and pulls himself out of his desk chair. He leaves his recently-deserted classroom and heads toward the hospital. He can't put it off any longer; something is obviously wrong with him. As little as he likes the idea of being prodded by medics, he likes the idea of letting something possibly serious fester in his body unchecked even less.

The hospital is noisy and there is glistening blood on the floor of reception. Even as he takes note of it, a nurse snaps at someone to clean it up immediately. Iruka steps around the puddle, hoping it wasn't made by anyone he knows, and approaches the desk.

"Umino-san, can I help you?" says the nurse at the desk. Her voice is saturated with fatigue, and for some reason it makes Iruka think of an old sheet hanging over a tree branch, being buffeted by the wind.

"Um, yes, I hope so. I need to see someone about some headaches I've been having for a couple of weeks now. Bad ones," he adds, feeling slightly foolish. Shinobi are out in the field being gutted every day, and here he is worrying about some lousy headaches.

The nurse just nods and hands him a form to sign, and leaves the desk briefly to fetch his medical chart from the records room for shinobi. Upon her return, she hands him his chart and points to the stairs. "If you'll head to the second floor, there should be a few empty exam rooms. Just stick this in the door and someone will be with you shortly."

Iruka bows politely, but she is already busy with someone else. He heads upstairs, where it is much quieter, and finds an empty room. Sticking his chart in the provided slot, he sits down on the exam table, wishing he'd brought something to read. Judging from the commotion downstairs, it will be a while before someone gets around to seeing him.

He is mildly surprised when, only ten minutes later, a medic-nin knocks and enters. He endures the tedium of having his vitals checked while explaining the headaches. The nin nods and scribbles in his chart every so often, then has Iruka lie down while he uses chakra to examine Iruka's head.

After several minutes, Iruka notices the medic-nin's brow is furrowed and he looks perplexed. "Is something the matter, doctor?"

The nin gives a small shake of his head, more a request not to interrupt him than a negative. Iruka sighs inwardly and waits. He tries not to worry.

After what feels like hours but is probably only ten minutes or so, the nin finally steps back. "I'm going to need a Hyuuga," he says matter-of-factly. "There seem to be slight abnormalities in your chakra pathways, but they're hard to pinpoint. I'm going to have to compare with your chart, but it also seems like there are some slight…aberrations in your brain cells. Not like a growth, but…" He shakes his head. "I'm going to inform Shizune-san and see what she thinks; I think she'd like to examine you herself."

Iruka nods, a little stunned. For all the pain that the headaches caused him, he didn't actually believe that the problem would be all that serious. But if the medic thinks his headaches would interest Shizune-san, this will probably not be easily fixed.

He waits for almost an hour before the Hyuuga shows up, a medic-nin whom Iruka has seen a few times around town but never spoken to. Taciturn in the manner of all the Hyuuga, he merely nods before saying, "Byakugan."

Iruka sits quietly while those penetrating, unnerving white eyes bore into his skull.

Without warning, the veins around the Hyuuga's eyes relax again and he slips out of the room. Iruka blinks, then gets up and sticks his head out into the hallway. The corridor both ways is deserted.

Iruka has had nightmares about being lost in an empty hospital, usually at night when the halls are shadowy and the fluorescent lights snap and crackle and sometimes wink out. The same feelings he has in those nightmares crawl under his skin, ominous and isolating, and he almost calls out.

Instead he closes the door and sits back down on the exam table, determined not to let his imagination get the better of him. Especially since it seems like he might have a major real-life problem.

It isn't long before he hears approaching footsteps. It sounds like three people, and Iruka figures they're probably not all coming to see him, but he hopes at least one of them is.

He wishes he could go home. He thinks longingly of Kakashi, who—if he doesn't have a mission—is probably at Iruka's apartment making dinner. Iruka was surprised that Kakashi was such a good cook at first, until Kakashi told him his secret, which was rather obvious in retrospect. Kakashi copies restaurant chefs with his Sharingan. Enough that he is now an excellent cook in his own right, but in Iruka's mind it's still cheating. Something that other people have to work so hard to accomplish shouldn't be stolen.

Not that Iruka doesn't appreciate the results, regularly, even if he does feel a little guilty about it.

The door opens, and the Hyuuga steps inside. Iruka is about to snap at him for leaving so abruptly before, but the words falter on the tip of his tongue as the medic is followed by two people Iruka really didn't expect to see: The Godaime Hokage and Morino Ibiki.

"Hokage-sama!" Iruka blurts, jumping to his feet and bowing deeply.

"At ease, Iruka-san," Tsunade says, the barest edge of sarcasm in her voice.

Iruka stands still and looks nervously at the three of them, feeling icy claws of dread preying on his viscera. The Hyuuga and Ibiki stand slightly behind Tsunade, staring at him, hardly even blinking. Iruka had thought being under the scrutiny of a Hyuuga was disturbing, but it is nothing compared to being stared at by Ibiki. Iruka's bowels feel watery.

"Please pardon us, Iruka-san. We're just going to do a short examination, and then we can discuss this," the Hokage says, and Iruka nods, steeling his expression and his body against showing any traces of his anxiety.

Tsunade approaches him and lays her hands on either side of his face, the green glow of her chakra suffusing the edges of his vision, while Ibiki removes a glove and places a hand on the back of Iruka's head. The silence pressing in while they stare intently into Iruka's face makes him want to scream.

After several moments, the hands leave his head and his two superiors retreat a few steps, giving him some air.

"It's a good thing you came in, Iruka-san. We were going to send for you," the Hokage begins, her voice light, but her eyes intent. "We've got ourselves a real mess, here."

The ice-claws are working their way up to Iruka's throat. "I'm afraid I don't follow. There's obviously something wrong with my br—"

"There's no easy way to tell you this," Tsunade continues as though he hasn't spoken. "You might want to sit down," she adds kindly.

Iruka sits mutely on the table.

"Your memory has been altered, Iruka-san, and there are very small tell-tale signs that indicate it was done via Sharingan."

She pauses while Iruka's whole body freezes. There are only three known Sharingan users left in the entire world, and—though Tsunade just said his memory has been altered—it is extremely unlikely that he ran into Sasuke or Itachi recently. So that only leaves…

"Kakashi?" Iruka whispers.

Tsunade nods grimly.

"But…why would he…"

"Are you aware of Hatake's history, Umino-san?" Ibiki's voice is deep and startling in the sterile quiet, as cold and hard as the tile they stand on.

"I…know he graduated the Academy at age five, was a chuunin by six and a jounin by thirteen. And that his father killed himself when…when he was still a child." The recitation helps him gather his thoughts, shove his bewilderment and growing horror to the back of his mind. "He was ANBU for many years."

"So you are aware that he is sometimes dangerously unstable."

"A lot of ninja are," Iruka says, with a hint of defensiveness.

"But not a lot of ninja are as skilled as Hatake, nor were they killing for a living when they were only a couple of years out of diapers."

Iruka shakes his head. "But…why would he have messed with my memories? We…" He trails off as a slightly hopeful thought strikes him. "Maybe I asked him to do it." He doesn't like the thought, and he can't imagine why he might have asked his lover to mess with his mind, though the idea that he is a willing participant in this is better than the alternative.

But Tsunade is shaking her head. "I don't think so, Umino-san. We have evidence and testimony from several sources that indicate otherwise."

"Sources? What sources?"

The Hokage sighs. "Let's continue this discussion in my office. Ibiki, Wataridori, do you have what you need?"

The Hyuuga—Wataridori, presumably—nods, and Ibiki says, "I'll probably need to ask him some more questions, but I've seen enough for now."

They file out of the room, and as the other two stalk off in one direction, the Hokage motions for Iruka to follow her in the other. He stands, feeling almost as though he is moving underwater. Sounds and objects seem distorted, time is slow, and his stomach is a cold pit while the fires of panic burn just under his skin from his shoulders to the tips of his fingers.

The absurdity of Kakashi altering his memories for some unknown and possibly nefarious purpose makes him feel like both laughing and whimpering. If it was anyone other than the Hokage—backed by the head of T&I, no less—suggesting it, he would dismiss the notion out of hand. He is familiar with the Hokage's sense of humor, and to pull a prank like this, especially when Iruka has a real medical problem, does not fall within its scope. Nor does it fall into the scope of the black humor of Morino Ibiki, and as far as Iruka knows, no Hyuuga has a sense of humor. So this is definitely no laughing matter. Since no self-respecting nin would ever curl up in a ball and start weeping in public, at least not while consciously aware of it, Iruka is left with simply following the Hokage to her office, face neutral, and praying that things start to make sense soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3**

The Godaime's office on the top floor of the hospital is painted an earthy yellow, accented with sunshine from the window that takes up the majority of the South wall, and cluttered with medical texts and scrolls. It is far more inviting than most of the hospital, and ordinarily it would have set Iruka at ease. But today, sitting in one of the stuffed leather chairs the Hokage waved him into, he is tenser than ever.

"Tea?" Tsunade offers.

"Yes, please," he answers, mostly out of politeness and to give himself a little time to settle his nerves. They still aren't settled by the time Tsunade hands him a steaming cup. He sips it, heedless of temperature, to give himself something to do. "Has anyone talked to Kakashi about this…situation?" he asks after a few moments under the Godaime's observation.

"Ibiki had him detained this morning. He's still in T&I's custody." Tsunade's voice is flat and neutral. Iruka doesn't know her terribly well, but is familiar enough with her to know that is not a good sign. He just doesn't know what it's not a good sign of, exactly.

Kakashi is in custody. _Kakashi_ is. Kakashi has messed with his memories, tinkered with his brain. Against his will, if Tsunade is to be believed. Iruka can't imagine a reason for the Hokage to make up something like that, but then he can't imagine a reason for Kakashi to alter his memories, either. He can't think straight; nothing is making sense.

"You've crossed paths with a woman by the name of Tatsumaki Shiko."

Iruka startles. "Shiko-san? My stalker?"

Tsunade raises a brow. "You have a restraining order against her."

"Yes. She's been quite disruptive, though I—what does she have to do with any of this?"

"The restraining order is a forgery."

Iruka's mouth falls open, but his mind is a complete blank. "Pardon me?" he eventually manages.

Tsunade casually examines her nails. "The restraining order is a forgery. It was never signed by a judge. There was even a forged paper trail, which made the falsification even harder to discover, and that's why when you've contacted the authorities about her before, they took action as though the order were legitimate. It took us several days to puzzle this out; the forger covered his tracks very well. Even now, we wouldn't be completely certain, but Kakashi's admitted to it." She raises her eyes to Iruka's, and they are not without sympathy.

"Admitted to..? Hokage-sama, with all due respect, I remember filing for the order. It—"

"We've already established that your memories have been altered."

Iruka gapes for a moment. "For what possible reason would Kakashi do something like that?!" Iruka is getting exasperated. He wishes the Hokage would just explain. He knows he is being rude, but he can't bring himself to care. "There's absolutely no—" Suddenly the implications of what the Hokage is saying sink in, and he subsides into his chair, feeling as though he's turned to lead. "Are you—do you mean to say…"

"Yes, Iruka-san?"

"That woman…Shiko-san. She claims that…we…if there's no restraining order…you mean she's not crazy? She never had brain damage?"

"Kakashi told you that?"

"Yes. After she approached me the…the first time, I told him about it and he said he'd check her out for me. A day or so later he told me she was trapped in a building that collapsed during Orochimaru's attack." Iruka can feel sweat dripping down his forehead, itching, and he brushes at it irritably.

"That much is true. She suffered from a broken arm, cracked ribs, contusions and a mild concussion, but she has no history of any brain tissue damage or mental illness."

Iruka swallows heavily. "She claims that we were…in a relationship together, and one day I started saying I couldn't remember her…I…" A memory flashes through his mind, of himself and Shiko, the first time he can remember meeting her. She had walked up to him with a huge smile on her face and tried to kiss him, and he dodged on reflex. Her smile had faltered, then reappeared as she accused him of teasing her. His explanation of not knowing who she was garnered similar results, until she realized he was serious. His continued assertions that he had never met her before had been received extremely badly. She had gone ballistic, calling him a coward, screaming obscenities foul enough to make a sailor blush. She had stormed away, shaking with rage and badly-concealed hurt, leaving Iruka baffled.

Iruka had only had a couple of further confrontations with her before she began to believe he really couldn't remember her. He'd already filed—well, the restraining order had already been created by then. Kakashi had chased her off several times; he supposes it was easy enough for her to come to the conclusion that Kakashi was responsible. He doesn't know whether she knew about their relationship or not, but if she had, it would have made the conclusion even easier to draw.

Abruptly, the Hokage begins speaking again. "According to several civilian witnesses you were indeed in a relationship with Tatsumaki Shiko until about a month ago. Her parents are also witnesses to this; they claim you had dinner with them every Sunday for several months. The ninja we've interviewed mentioned you having a girlfriend, but none of them ever saw you with her or knew her name. Several of them who saw you with Kakashi over this past month said they assumed you meant him, and you'd been referring to him as your 'girlfriend' because you weren't ready to come out of the closet. Tatsumaki says that the two of you had decided to shield her identity from the ninja community so that she wouldn't be targeted." Tsunade takes a deep breath, averting her eyes from Iruka's for the first time. "She also says that the two of you had just gotten engaged a few days before your…amnesia started. Tell me something, Iruka-san. What are your memories like for the past year?"

Engaged? He'd been engaged to Shiko? The thought is an alien skittering around his mind, completely unrecognizable. Shouldn't he feel something, if that is true? Shouldn't he feel…a sense of _rightness_, or…Iruka has to shake his head to dislodge such thoughts. The bottom line is that while he knows the basics of the Sharingan, teaches them to his pre-genin, he has no idea how what he's experiencing now could be caused by it. The only cases that even remotely resemble his, and that only because they involved the manipulation of the mind, are Kakashi and Sasuke's encounters with Uchiha Itachi's Mangekyou Sharingan, his Tsukiyomi. If this is all some kind of advanced genjutsu—

"Iruka-san, please answer my question," Tsunade says, her voice soft but hardening.

"My apologies, Hokage-sama," Iruka says automatically. "This is…a lot to absorb." He is having a hard enough time just suppressing his emotions and trying not to think about what all this means for himself and Kakashi, for what lies between them.

_Or doesn't._

He shoves the thought away with enough violence to make his hands fist so tight the skin on his knuckles to feel like it's going to split.

"I understand, but it's important that you answer my questions. The sooner you do, the sooner we can sort all this out." Tsunade's voice is soft again, though her eyes are piercing. "Are there memories that you seem to be missing, or that seem strange when put under scrutiny? Are you even able to put your memories under scrutiny?"

Iruka clears his throat, straightens, forces his hands to relax, allowing blood-flow to pinken his whitened knuckles. "My memories. I…" He pauses to consider. "Well, now that I think about it, there have been several times when I've tried to think of specific things, things I feel like I should know, like how Kakashi became interested in me, or me in him. When I do, my headaches get really bad, and they don't get better until I get distracted and start thinking of something else. I always blamed the headaches; I never thought to blame the memories themselves. Or the lack of them, since I can't remember ever actually recalling whatever I was trying to recall at the time." He frowns, trying to think back to the origins of his and Kakashi's relationship again, and feels no pain, but he does notice a strange sort of sloughing sensation in his mind, his self-queries being brushed off and redirected, as much as he tries to focus. "I'm trying to remember something, but I can't focus on it. My head's not hurting, though." He glances up. "Is that your doing?"

"It was both Wataridori-san and I, but it won't last more than a few hours. Your mind should be a little clearer."

"It seems strange that I didn't notice all of this sooner."

"It's not strange at all," Tsunade contradicts. "I'm not sure if the headaches are a deliberate deterrent or an unfortunate by-product of the process, but the technique itself seems designed to keep you from questioning. It's similar to being halfway in a dream state. Common sense you'd normally have, connections you'd ordinarily be able to make quite easily simply don't occur to you. You just accept whatever the dream throws at you, as long as no one interferes with it."

"Hokage-sama, can you fix this? Can you undo what…what Kakashi did to me?"

Tsunade steeples her fingers in front of her lips, tapping the index fingers together idly. Iruka squirms, a sudden sensation of being a stranger to himself making him want to crawl out of his own skin or dash his brains all over Tsunade's cluttered desk so he can sort through them, see what's in there.

He really is in a nightmare, he realizes.

"Between myself, Ibiki, Shizune, Kurenai, a few of the Hyuuga and possibly Anko," Godaime begins, "we have enough techniques that we could possibly undo some of what he's done. However, most of those techniques are meant to be used on enemy shinobi, and have more to do with memory eradication than alteration or recovery. You would almost certainly lose more than you would gain. Kurenai is probably our best hope—well," she amends, "Kakashi is the best hope, but under the circumstances I'll be damned if I let him anywhere near your brain for the foreseeable future."

The words are like a wall falling on Iruka, crushing the breath from his lungs. "Why would he do this to me, Hokage-sama?" he implores, his voice a little strangled. "Why would he violate me like this? I…do I even really love him? Do I know anything about him at all? I can't trust anything I think, anything I remember, not even anything I feel!"

Tsunade rises from her desk, rounding it noiselessly to kneel in front of him and clasp his hands in hers. He can feel her unholy strength thrumming just under her skin, and the compassion in the gesture forces tears to his eyes. But though he can cry in front of students, he refuses to cry in front of his Hokage. He bites his tongue until it bleeds.

There is a long moment of silence before Tsunade finally whispers, "Kakashi claims to care for you. And he might, that's not for me to judge. But quite honestly, I don't think he understands the difference between wanting to acquire someone and really caring for them. He wanted you, but you were with someone else, so he took what I'm sure he felt were necessary steps to ensure your cooperation. Like a mission. I'm sure he didn't know how to approach it any other way."

"I don't understand why he eliminated all my memories of Shiko, but didn't take away her memories of me," Iruka says, glad something has occurred to him to shift the topic. "If he'd done that, he might not have ever been discovered—well, until I came in for these headaches, but he could have made up some justification, I'm sure. He could have wiped her brain and dropped her off in the desert. It would even make more sense to me if he'd just killed her. Why go through the trouble of faking a restraining order?"

The Hokage lets go of Iruka's hands and stands up, sighing. She walks over to the windowsill, staring out of it, through which he can see that sunset is just beginning to spread a pink veil over the Hokage Mountain. "I don't have those answers yet, Iruka-san. This investigation has only just begun." She turns to him, demeanor businesslike and stern. "You've been compromised, Iruka-san, even if it was by one of our own. Until we gain a better understanding of what we're dealing with, I'm afraid I have no choice but to put you on suspension from duty. That means all duties, Iruka-san. No missions, no teaching, no missions desk, until further notice."

Which means Iruka will have lots and lots of time to himself, battling with memories that don't belong and headaches that sometimes make him vomit. Maybe he can start training with Guy-san; that should eat up a lot of hours every day. He smothers a bark of hysterical laughter before it can escape. He focuses on the pain in his tongue, where he bit it. "I understand, Hokage-sama. What…will happen to Kakashi?" he asks reluctantly. Even if he doesn't know whether it's real, he still feels very strongly about Kakashi. He's never been good at turning his feelings off.

Tsunade looks back outside, face half-turned from him. "I don't know yet. We're trying to keep this under wraps, Iruka-san. If the council gets wind of this, Kakashi could be charged with treason."

"Treason?!"

"In their minds, his tampering with your mind would be on par with sabotage. Since you are a nin, a defender of Konoha, sabotaging you is undermining Konoha's defenses. Thus, it's treasonous."

Iruka bolts to his feet, hands clenched, fingernails digging into his palms. "Treasonous—that's absurd! I can still defend Konoha! I haven't been stripped of all my faculties, damn it!"

Tsunade pinches the bridge of her nose. "Iruka-san, calm down. This is hypothetical, and is only likely if the council gets wind of it, which they won't if I have anything to say about it. And unless we have another invasion, you won't be defending Konoha anytime soon. We don't know exactly what you have and haven't been stripped of, and neither do you."

Iruka's teeth grind as he tries to get his heart rate back under control. Not every traitor is imprisoned, like Mizuki; some are quite brutally executed. The reasons for capital punishment throughout Konoha's history are always political, and the current council has been known to be both unreasonable and unfathomable. Iruka has no doubt they could put a monstrous spin on what Kakashi's done, for whatever reason, that they could cause him to be reviled by those who've always respected him, no matter that he's dedicated his life to Konoha. The thought makes Iruka feel like smashing Tsunade's desk into kindling, but he controls himself. "Forgive my outburst, Hokage-sama," he says finally, bowing.

The sunset fills the office with ruddy light, bathing Tsunade in a healthy glow that makes her look even younger than her usual artifice does, but she still manages to convey a sense of age greater than her own. "Forgiven and forgotten, Iruka-san. I don't think it would do any good to keep you here under observation, so go home and get some rest now. Or go out and get so drunk you don't care about any of this. After all, you're off-duty now."

Iruka chuckles half-heartedly. "I should probably save my money, if I'm going to be out of work for who knows how long."

Tsunade makes a dismissive gesture. "I'm writing it up as paid leave. If the treasury wants to make a fuss about the budget, I'll just tell them to use what we won't be paying Hatake. So go have some fun. Not too much, though; I want you in Ibiki's office at T&I first thing in the morning, so we can begin discussing options."

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

Tsunade grants him a warm smile. "Now get out of here so I can drink—I mean, do my paperwork in peace."

He knows the slip is intentional, and forces himself to grin. "Of course. Good evening, Hokage-sama."

Iruka slips out into the quiet corridor and begins descending the stairwell. His footsteps are echoing, a sure sign that he is distracted, and when he realizes it he silences them instantly. But the silence allows too many thoughts to begin gathering in his mind. Before he knows it, he is running. Down the stairs, through the lobby—only moderately active now—along the street, up to the rooftops. He is on his way to the forest when he spots the lights and noise of a local bar. He notices Genma and Asuma sharing a pitcher of dark beer at a table by the curb, looking relaxed and content, listening to a band that is playing inside. The bar looks like it would be far more distracting than either the quiet of the forest or his empty apartment.

Without further ado, he jumps down to the street and joins the two jounin at their table.


	4. Chapter 4

**Part 4**

Genma and Asuma have been speculating about Kakashi off and on since Iruka joined them two hours ago. They know he was taken in for questioning by T&I, but they have no idea why. Their theories run the gamut from the plausible to the outrageous, but they don't hit anywhere near the truth. Iruka is glad. They don't bother asking Iruka for his opinion, because they don't seem to think a mere chuunin would know anything about the goings-on of the Great Copy-Nin. But they are friendly enough to him, and refuse to let him pay for his own drinks. Iruka smiles and downs glass after glass of dark, bittersweet brew.

Genma, who knows Iruka a little better than Asuma, finally says, "You're awful goddamn quiet tonight, 'Ruka, somethin' up?"

Iruka grimaces. He hates it when people shorten his name. "I'm just tired. It was a long day." He'll have to watch his tongue, what with all this alcohol. Iruka knows he can be a very talkative drunk. Luckily for him, he feels too drained to make the effort to run his mouth tonight.

"I know what'll cheer you up," says Asuma, grinning around his ever-present cigarette. "That waitress has been making eyes at you all night. You should take her home, work off some of that stress, Iruka-sensei."

The thought of sleeping with someone who is not Kakashi fills Iruka with numb horror. He wonders if the feeling is completely artificial. On autopilot, Iruka hears himself laugh and say, "I don't think I have the energy to get it up. She'd just be disappointed."

"There are jutsu for that, you know," Genma says, his lips slyly grinning around a senbon. "Want me to teach you, Iruka?"

Asuma snorts. "Genma's got all the sex jutsu, of course."

"You and Kurenai haven't complained about the lube jutsu."

Asuma's eyes glaze a little, a faraway look on his face. "No, no complaints there," he murmurs.

Iruka doesn't want to know. "Maybe some other time, Genma-san. I'm just not in the mood."

Genma shrugs. "More poon for me, then."

Iruka gives a humorless chuckle and stands up. His legs feel slightly unsteady. "I should get going."

"Tomorrow's another day of teaching pre-pubescents how to become emotionless murderers, eh, Iruka-sensei? Hope you don't get hungover." Genma salutes Iruka with his beer, only spilling a drop or two.

Ordinarily Iruka would politely object to this classification of his teaching position, but he isn't feeling the necessary verbal aptitude. Besides, the description is not off the mark. Iruka remembers that he actually won't be going in to teach tomorrow, won't be doing anything productive for who knows how long, and is almost depressed enough to sit back down and drink some more. Instead, he returns Genma's salute and bids good-bye to Asuma, and trudges toward his apartment.

The beer hasn't really helped anything, beyond making him somewhat numb and his brain a little fuzzier. He didn't even get buzzed, just tired and cranky. And now he's going home to an apartment where Kakashi won't be cooking dinner, or reading smut, or feeding his nin-ken, or anything else, and maybe never will again. Maybe none of that ever happened in the first place. Reality is thin and fragile as an onion skin.

***

Iruka can't sleep at all that night. His thoughts and memories of Kakashi plague him, keeping him second-guessing himself over and over. He misses the man horribly, and telling himself what he feels isn't real does nothing to alleviate the ache. Iruka has always felt too much, and he's never regretted it more.

Shiko haunts him as well. He feels humiliated, thinking about her. He and his fucking compassion, indulging the mental-case, pitying her, saying what she felt was an obsession with no basis in reality, and all the while he was the one who was deluded. What a fool he must have seemed, and how painful it must have been for her.

The cold, shocked numbness Iruka has been feeling since he visited the hospital begins to wear off in the early hours of the morning, to be supplanted by a rage like he's never known before. It isn't his usual inferno; it is a thin blue line running from his guts to his brain, like the edge of a sword. He feels icy and calm instead of feeling like his chest and brain will explode if he doesn't start yelling. He isn't sure what the result of this new rage will be, whenever he finds an outlet for it, but he is sure it won't be pretty.

Eventually, the dawn begins to curl its golden fingers beneath his shades, so he gets up and pulls on his uniform. Just as he is fastening his hair tie, there is a knock on his door. His heart leaps for a second as his first thought is _Kakashi!_ But he knows there's no way, even if Kakashi has been let out of T&I's holding cells, that he would be allowed within a hundred feet of Iruka. Iruka's not sure what the hell he could say to Kakashi right now, anyway. Even as he feels love for the man spreading his ribs, he thinks he could cheerfully rip out Kakashi's fingernails for putting him through all of this.

Iruka opens the door to see the pretty pixie face of Tatsumaki Shiko, her wrists in lightweight casts, looking at his doorstep nervously. Her eyes snap to his face. "I'm so sorry to bother you this early, Iruka. Iruka-sensei," she corrects hastily. "I…Hokage-sama visited me herself, told me that Kakashi's been locked up and that you know everything now."

Iruka gives a snort at that. Whatever it is he thinks he knows is now under suspicion. He doesn't know anything at all.

"Iruka-sensei, I'd like to talk to you, if that's okay. May I…come in?" Her face has grown stoic but her eyes are furtive, pleading.

Iruka doesn't want to talk to her, but he knows he owes her at least an apology, and probably more than that, if everything the Hokage told him is the truth. He nods curtly and stands aside to let the stranger inside.

She settles familiarly on his couch as though she's sat there many times before. A rush of shame causes Iruka to bow deeply. "Please forgive me, Shiko-san. I've treated you abominably and caused you pain. If--"

"No, please stand up, Iruka! I don't need an apology from you; none of this is your doing. I only…I thought you might have questions." She sounds pained.

Iruka straightens up and leans tiredly against the wall, looking into her eyes for a few moments before staring at his feet. "Hokage-sama said we are engaged," he says, expressionless.

Shiko's eyes close briefly and her hands fist. "Yes," she whispers. She chuckles, and he can tell from her expression that it tastes bitter in her mouth. "We had been engaged all of two days before that…" Her mouth twists. "Before your memories were taken."

"Ah." Iruka really can't think of anything else to say. He feels absolutely nothing for this woman at all except guilt. He wonders if, whenever the Hokage or Ibiki or whoever is going to try to fix his memories makes the attempt, he will remember loving this woman. He wonders if he will forget loving Kakashi. He isn't surprised to find the thought traumatizing, from a distance, beyond his numbness. He guesses that once it happens, it won't matter.

"You told me, about two months before it happened," Shiko continues, "that _Hatake-san_— "she spits the name like she's expelling a poisonous insect from her mouth, "—had been following you around for a while, and that he'd demanded that you sleep with him while trying to grab you under your uniform. You said you'd told him you weren't attracted to men, and that you were already involved, and that he just walked away without another word." Another sour chuckle. "You even made friendly overtures after that, because you felt bad about it, but he always ignored you. I even approached him on the street once myself, to invite him out to dinner with us and some friends, because I thought…shit, I don't know what I thought. I just wanted to do it because you were giving yourself such a hard time about the whole thing, and nothing you were doing was getting you any result."

Iruka crosses his arms and stares at a point just above her left shoulder. "What did he do when you approached him?"

"I introduced myself, extended the invitation, while he stood there looking as lethargic and bored as I've ever seen him, the few times I've come across him. Then he leaned over a little and motioned me forward, like he wanted to whisper a secret. I was nervous and didn't move, and the next thing I knew I was in an alley with my back against a wall. He was gripping my arms, not hard enough to bruise but strong enough that I couldn't even try to get away, and he was whispering in my ear. I'll never forget it. He said, 'Isn't it strange how words can influence the mind? Just a group of vibrations or a collection of marks. I have a few words for you, to keep you company in your head: I am a man who gets what he wants.' And then he looked at me with that horrible red eye, and I fell to my knees. When I looked up again he was gone, and I was so scared of what he might have meant I went to find you right away. When I told you what happened we decided we'd better both just stay away from that man. I wanted to report him, but you said no, since he hadn't really hurt or threatened anyone and he's such an important pillar of the ninja community." The last few words come out laced with arsenic sarcasm.

Neither of them speak for a while. Iruka tries to imagine Kakashi doing what she described, and finds the image inexplicably funny. That or he's slightly hysterical. He doesn't think Shiko would appreciate him laughing, so he covers the one chuckle that bursts free with a mild fit of coughing. From the glare Shiko throws him, she knows what he's done. She knows him, and he doesn't know the first thing about her. The thought sobers him, makes him dread her. "Then what happened?" he asks, wanting this interview over. He has to go to T&I, after all.

Shiko fiddles with the couch cushions restlessly. "We didn't run into Hatake or hear anything else from him for more than two weeks, and we'd decided he was just messing with us. I think both of us had put him out of our minds. But then I came to meet you after classes, and you couldn't remember who I was. I thought you were joking at first…and then I thought you had gotten cold feet, you know, since we'd just gotten engaged, but I couldn't really believe that. You're not a coward that way. I just didn't know what else to think. I've never been involved in ninja affairs, and other than teaching, you like to keep that part of your life private. I had no idea there were ninja capable of altering your memories."

Iruka's head is really throbbing. He wants to sit down, but doesn't. "I remember you asking me about Kakashi, a couple of days after we met. Um, I mean after—"

"I know what you mean," Shiko says with a sad smile, waving away his explanation. "I'd remembered what Hatake said when one of my friends mentioned seeing the two of you eating ramen together. She couldn't believe you were hanging out with 'that lazy, porn-reading excuse for a ninja who'll probably never amount to anything.' That's a quote."

This time Iruka laughs out loud, even though it makes his head throb enough for him to feel sick. Kakashi has cultivated his 'inconspicuously incompetent' persona among civilians, very few of whom ever look far enough underneath the underneath to discover how dangerous and foolish their assumptions are. But civilians can afford to be superficial.

"I knew as soon as I asked you about him that he'd done something to you. Your expression didn't change, but you blushed to the roots of your hair. "

Iruka sighs inwardly. Not for the first time, he thinks that if he ever decides to advance in rank, he'll either have to be ANBU or wear a mask like Kakashi. Stupid giveaway face.

"And then, of course, Kakashi himself showed up, and the police, and I was being treated like a criminal lunatic. I almost believed I really was crazy, more than once. If it wasn't for my parents making a huge fuss every day and hounding the Hokage, Hatake might never have even been investigated. I'd probably be in an asylum by now. No doubt that was his plan."

Iruka shakes his head. "I think he knew he'd be found out. If he didn't want to be found out, he could have just erased your memories of me. Your parents' too. Or killed you. I'm not sure why he chose to do it this way."

"Maybe he's just not that smart."

Iruka's eyes narrow. "You don't know anything about Kakashi, Shiko-san." His voice is frigid. "He's—"

Shiko's eyes are wide with astonishment as she cuts him off. "And what the hell do you think you know about him, Iruka, that he hasn't deliberately led you to think? You don't know what's true and what isn't!"

Which is only what Iruka's been telling himself for the past fifteen hours or so, but coming from her it makes him irrationally angry. He rubs his temples with one hand, trying to get his emotions under control. "Shiko-san," he says finally, "I have to go and meet with Ibiki-san so we can discuss what can be done about this. I'll be in touch with you as soon as we've made some progress."

Shiko seems to know a dismissal when she hears one, and Iruka is grateful when she nods and rises without protest. "Should I leave you an address?" she asks.

"I'll find you."

Shiko bows, and walks to the door. As she puts her hand on the knob she says, "I love you, Iruka. Please try to remember that." Then she is gone.

Iruka slides to the floor, his face in his hands, trying to think of lesson plans and anything else innocuous, until his head doesn't feel like a blister about to pop.

When the pain is bearable, he gets up and considers eating breakfast. He decides that he's too anxious, and his stomach isn't settled. He opts instead to just grab his keys and leave for T&I, keeping his mind as blank as possible.

"Hey, Iruka-sensei!"

He is surprised to hear the unmistakable sound of Kakashi's ninken's voice coming from a roof to his right. "Pakkun?"

The dog jumps down in front of him, paws kicking up a little dust. "Boss says I'm supposed to bring you somewhere."

Iruka feels uneasy. If Kakashi has managed to get a summon out of T&I without anyone noticing, he's probably better off ignoring it if he can. "I'm going to meet Ibiki-san."

"Yeah, I know that. Here," the dog says, dipping his head and pulling a small roll of paper out of his vest with his teeth and holding it out to Iruka. Iruka can see the seal of the Hokage on it, and breathes a minute sigh of relief as he takes the paper and reads it.

_Umino-san._

_Before you come in this morning, please follow the ninken. He will be leading you to where Hatake-san has secreted some documents that may help us rectify your condition. Report to me immediately upon retrieval._

_Morino Ibiki_

Iruka raises a brow. "Why would Ibiki-san and Hokage-sama be sending me to get these documents? Especially with you, Pakkun-san. No offense, it's just that the situation…"

"Yeah, the boss's gone a little cracked in the head lately." The pug shakes his head. "Usually he's so well-adjusted."

Iruka can't tell if the dog is kidding or not. He laughs, and it sounds furtive.

If Pakkun notices Iruka's nervousness, he makes no sign. "They sent out ANBU teams to retrieve the documents earlier, but the boss has wards up that they can't get past. That's why you're being sent."

"If the ANBU can't figure out how to get past these wards, how am I supposed to? I mean, I'm pretty good, but I'm not—"

Pakkun waves a paw. "Don't worry about all that. Boss says all you have to do is push a little chakra into the entrance and it'll deactivate for you."

Iruka hadn't thought he could be more surprised. "The entrance to his secret document hiding place is keyed to my chakra," he says incredulously.

The dog shrugs as much as a pug can. "I don't know the details of any of this, Sensei. I was just told to lead you there, let you open the entrance, and then sniff out the scrolls. How 'bout we get going, Sensei?"

Iruka hesitates. "Why…would you happen to have any idea why Kakashi is giving up these documents—scrolls, you said?—so easily, if he went to so much trouble to conceal them?"

"Like I said, Sensei, the boss didn't tell me anything. If I had to guess, though, I'd say he's already done what he needed to do, so it doesn't matter who gets their hands on these papers anymore. Now let's go, Sensei; I didn't get a chance to eat breakfast before the boss called. I can't function well on an empty stomach, you know. My nose gets all confused and starts smelling things that aren't there, the pads on my feet dry out, I get dizzy…"

Iruka rolls his eyes, smiling in spite of himself. "Right, right. Let's hurry, then, Pakkun-san."

The sky is heavy and grey and the air weighs on them like a wet blanket as they soar lightly over the ramshackle rooftops of Konoha. Iruka notices, with no small amount of uneasiness, that they are heading straight for the Uchiha ghost town. They reach the gates just as it begins to rain, and Iruka can't suppress a shudder. He has never actually been in the Uchiha complex, not even when there were still Uchiha populating it, and he doesn't have any desire to enter it now that it lies empty. But Pakkun bounds through the gates without hesitation, and after a moment Iruka follows.


	5. Chapter 5

**Part 5**

Kakashi reclines indolently on the hard cot in his cell. It is difficult to manage such a thing on a surface that doesn't resemble a bed so much as a slab of granite covered in a blanket that must be made of old hairshirts, but he manages. He is not worried. He knew that this would happen eventually, but it doesn't matter. He still has the advantage. It's an advantage that might not stay hidden for long, but there is nothing anyone can do about it, any more than one can keep one's soul from being devoured once one has summoned the shinigami.

His only regret, besides Iruka's unintentional headaches, is that Shiko's name has been cleared, though he is content in knowing she will still suffer. He might have been merciful and wiped Iruka from her brain—hers and her parents'—but after she'd had the nerve to ask Iruka to marry her, he couldn't let her go unpunished. Not after he had warned her. It had been a deliberate challenge, and one he wasn't about to turn the other cheek to.

Just thinking about the memory he'd found in Iruka's mind—Shiko smiling and cheekily joking with him about eloping, then growing serious and making an absurd speech about love and family and growing old together, culminating in a question that had left Iruka speechless and both of them tearful, and then Iruka beaming and accepting and making love to her—that memory leaves him white-knuckled with rage. Kakashi's memory for such slights is long.

Even after all he's done, there is a part of him that still nags at him, that says Iruka looked happy with Shiko and maybe he should have let them be, should have found someone else, or remained alone. That part of him is easy enough to brush off, though, because he knows he can make Iruka happier than that, and he will, by any means necessary. These early hurdles can be cleared. Besides, he doesn't want someone else. He doesn't need anyone, but he sees no reason to deny himself what he wants when it is within his reach.

He hears footsteps briskly clicking down the corridor, and recognizes the heavy bustle of the Godaime. He hopes that means Pakkun and Iruka are back with the scrolls. He is sure that he won't be allowed to see Iruka yet, but Pakkun will tell him how the chuunin looks, how he's holding up. Kakashi knows Iruka must feel betrayed, but he will understand in time. He won't have a choice.

The Godaime comes into view, eyes stern and troubled, and she crosses her arms and leans against the wall opposite Kakashi's cell. She stares at him, brow furrowed, and he meets her eyes impassively.

"Why did you do this, Kakashi?" she asks after several minutes.

How straightforward. She's certainly not the interrogator Ibiki is.

"Maa, Tsunade-sama, I've already told you—"

"I want to know why you would compromise a Konoha shinobi for something so trite and selfish as an infatuation. This isn't like you, Hatake." Ire colors her amber eyes the yellow of Orochimaru's, though her voice is calm.

Kakashi sighs. "It's just like me, Tsunade-sama. It was me; it is me. Is that really all you came here to ask?"

"You have always been one of our most dedicated nins."

"That hasn't changed."

"Did you think I wouldn't care because he's only a chuunin? Replaceable?"

"Can you honestly say things wouldn't be different if I'd done this to, say, Kurenai?" Kakashi counters.

A horrified look flits across Tsunade's face, and he knows she's thinking about the havoc Asuma would wreak in such a situation. "Things would have been worse, yes, but my response to the situation would be the same."

"Which is?"

"To undo the damage you've done. Though it might be harder if it had been Kurenai, since I'm counting on her help."

"You can't undo what I've done."

"Watch me," Tsunade hisses.

Kakashi closes his eye and shakes his head. "You'll see when Iruka brings the scrolls. You could probably unravel some of it, but the most important jutsu can't be undone. Even I can't undo it."

Tsunade sneers. "There's no use arguing about it now. Tell me, Hatake, is this something you're planning on doing every time you get a crush on someone?

"It's not a crush," he almost snarls. "There will never be a need for me to do this again."

"Do you mean to say that you're planning on spending the rest of your life with a chuunin Academy teacher?" She snorts as though the idea is complete nonsense. Kakashi can tell it's calculated so she can gauge his reaction; he knows she respects her shinobi, and Iruka in particular, if only because he was so close to Sandaime. He wonders what she's thinking, testing him in such an obvious way.

He shrugs. "His rank doesn't mean anything. We're together and we'll stay that way."

"Because you've taken away Iruka's will in the matter."

Now Kakashi is starting to get a little pissed off, but he doesn't let it show. "I haven't taken his free will away. I've just altered his memories and removed some of his learned inhibitions. How he reacts to it is up to him."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing," Tsunade breathes, pressing her thumb and index finger against her closed eyes. "Do you honestly believe that, Hatake? The man can't even think about something further back than a few weeks ago without getting a migraine—"

"That was unintentional—"

"Unintentional or not, it is what it is. And the man was engaged to be married! By all accounts, he wasn't even attracted to men at all before you got to him! And you call that leaving his free will intact? Have you completely snapped, brat?"

The Godaime's words hang in the air like thunder. Kakashi can't keep his hands from trembling minutely, which feeds his anger. He certainly doesn't feel anything like shame or guilt, though Tsunade's words have already run through his head many, many times. All he ever needs to chase such thoughts from his mind is one of Iruka's smiles, or a kiss, or a touch, or even Iruka smacking him in the face with a pillow that smells of him. Since Iruka isn't here, he allows himself rage and nothing else. Not that anyone who didn't know him, or wasn't a Hokage, would have noticed. He doesn't deign to answer Tsunade's questions.

"It looks like I really have no choice," the Hokage murmurs.

"No choice?"

"I'm going to have to find somewhere to send Iruka and Shiko, once we do what we can to restore his mind. I hate to punish him for something he isn't responsible for, but it obviously wouldn't do any good to send _you_ off…"

Kakashi is on his feet and at the clear wall of his cell almost instantly. "What do you mean, send him off? Out of the country? You're going to exile him?"

"I don't see any other way to make sure that you don't interfere with them."

_Them._ She is planning on sending the two of them off together.

As if reading his mind, Tsunade says, "She is his fiancée. When he's in his right mind, that's who he will choose. There is no way for you to get around that, Hatake."

He is surprised how much those words sting, but he won't lose. "Can you really afford to send him away, Hokage-sama? With our manpower down as much as it is?"

"No, I can't," Tsunade snaps, "but letting a situation like this fester inside of Konoha will create more problems than it will avoid."

"Can you afford to lose me?" Kakashi hisses.

Tsunade's eyes widen. "You would abandon your duties because of this? You're bluffing, brat. I've known you a long time, and unless your mind's been taken over by Ino, you would never be that selfish."

Kakashi's eyes narrow. His voice is quiet as a snake when he speaks. "Tsunade-sama, everything I've ever done has been for Konoha. Everything I've wanted, I wanted for Konoha. Every jutsu I've learned, every friend I've watched die, every piece of my soul that I've lost, has all been in service to Konoha. I've kept nothing for myself." His voice begins to rise to a low, furious growl. "Now that there is one thing that I want just for me, you're going to tell me that I can't have it, and try to keep it out of my reach? And you think I won't retaliate?"

He can sense her chakra flaring even through the chakra-infused glass in front of him. Her voice is serious and heavy with the promise of deadly consequences. "We are not talking about an 'it'. We are talking about a shinobi who has devoted himself just as much as you have—_lost_ just as much as you have in service of Konoha and Fire Country. In some ways, Iruka is even more important to this village than you. What you've done…" The Godaime levels a glare at him that is as cutting as a mouthful of razorblades. "If I feel that you are a liability to this village, Hatake Kakashi, I will have your Sharingan taken, your chakra permanently sealed and you exiled to the Dead Country before you can say 'perfidy'. Either that or I'll simply have you killed. You may be extremely important to Konoha, but you are _not_ equally as important. It would be a blow to lose you, but Konoha would survive."

It is no idle threat, Kakashi knows. He opens his mouth, staring hard into the Hokage's tawny eyes, but snaps it shut a moment later. He can feel his control snapping, even though he is fighting hard for it. Under the microscope of his Hokage's eyes, all his calm assurances to himself and his reasons why he knows this will all work out even after all is uncovered crumble into ash. He is wracked with the contradictions that he refuses to acknowledge, hypocrisies and double standards that have been battling within him since he started this endeavor. Without Iruka he can't find his center anymore, can't quell his doubts. He can't think straight.

Before he even realizes what he's doing, he has swung around to smash his fist into the concrete wall next to him. It's an unimpressive hit for a shinobi, since the field around his cell inhibits chakra molding, but he manages enough to turn the wall around his fist into powder. His hand is bloody now, two fingers clearly broken, but Kakashi can't even feel it. His shoulders are shaking, vibrating like there is electricity in his veins instead of blood. Though his body is having these reactions, his mind is now completely detached, and he is grateful for it. Numb and suddenly tired, he sinks back down onto the hard pallet, letting his hands dangle between his knees.

He's surprised at himself. He got through hours of interrogation by Ibiki without a chink in his armor, without any reaction on his part that wasn't carefully calculated, but after ten minutes alone with the Hokage he's breaking his own bones in frustration. Maybe Tsunade's better at this than he thought, though he doubts she meant for him to injure himself. He knows from experience that Ibiki can control how you break, when, and how much with precision, even if it takes him weeks to maneuver you. He wouldn't be surprised if, somehow, it was Ibiki's interrogation that has led him to this detestable state of vulnerability.

He's barely aware of Tsunade entering the cell, staring down at him with a raised brow, before she sighs, kneels in front of him and takes his left hand in hers so she can begin healing it. He feels that the anti-chakra field is gone, but he doesn't feel like taking advantage of it. He'd bite his tongue off before admitting it out loud, but the Hokage's implicit trust, even in this situation, moves him a little. He doesn't look at her, though the Sharingan takes everything in, even in his peripheral vision. He shuts both eyes, blocking her out.

It doesn't block out her voice, though. "I understand how you feel, Kakashi. I really do. Maybe if you hadn't gone about it this way…well, I never would have given you permission to do something like this, but maybe if you'd come to me we could have worked something out."

Kakashi gives a soft, barking laugh. His hand is beginning to hurt now.

"I don't know how that would have worked either, brat, but whatever would've happened would have to be better than this fiasco. At any rate, I won't be sending Iruka anywhere until we know exactly what we're dealing with." His eyes are still closed, but he swears he can hear her eyebrows raise at him. "You know, for a genius, this plan of yours was incredibly flawed."

Shaking his head, Kakashi cracks an eye open. "Not so flawed. But it could have been better. If I was stronger."

"Stronger? What do you mean by that?"

Kakashi closes his eye again. He's done talking.

Tsunade sighs deeply. "I don't know what to do with you, Kakashi," she whispers.

A wave of melancholy washes over Kakashi, and a fierce longing that he can hardly credit as originating within himself. "I want to talk to Iruka," he mumbles, not really expecting Tsunade to reply with anything other than 'no', if at all.

"I know," she sighs, surprising him enough to make him open his eyes and look at her. She smiles at him briefly, sadly, as she refocuses the green glow around his hand. "I know you do."


	6. Chapter 6

**Part 6**

Iruka has never found the presence of ANBU particularly comforting outside of the field. Aside from the anonymity, the reticence, the clawed gloves and the superiority of skill and power, those damned masks just creep him right the fuck out. However, after chasing Pakkun across street after gloomy, rainy, ghost-cumbrous street through the Uchiha compound, those eerie white masks peering from under lightweight black cowls are positively cheering.

They are clustered around a small, unremarkable one-story house that looks exactly like a hundred others Iruka just passed. He approaches the milling ANBU with less trepidation than he would have expected, under the circumstances, but the house looks far too innocuous for his liking. At least the rain is stopping, but the sky is still ominous; it's more likely a lull than a cessation.

The ANBU part as he approaches the front door, most offering him a bare nod as acknowledgement of his puny existence, but not one of them says a word. They all know why he's here, he knows why he's here, who needs something as inconsequential as human interaction?

The thought sparks a recollection of Kakashi telling him about being in ANBU, just two weeks ago or so. "When you put on the mask," he'd said, "you lay aside who you are, _what_ you are, who you know, what your entire life has been up to that point. You are a blank slate upon which only your mission can be written. It has to be that way. Some of the things ANBU are asked to do…they can't be done by a human. Even a tool might balk. They have to be accomplished by either a complete nonentity, or someone with such a decayed soul that it might be something they'd do anyway. That's just the way the ninja world has been set up. Every country has to have nins who can do the unspeakable."

Kakashi had refused to go into anything he himself had done in ANBU, and Iruka hadn't pushed, but he had no doubt Kakashi had done things that would send hardened jounin screaming for their mommies. Kakashi had been in ANBU for years, after all.

Iruka abruptly remembers that his memories can't be trusted, and he shoves the realization impatiently aside. It doesn't matter right now, and besides, the content of the memory rings true enough.

His step hasn't faltered as he approaches the door, and once he reaches it he looks down at Pakkun. The pug is looking up at him with half-lidded eyes that look so much like Kakashi's that he almost laughs. Controlling the urge, he says, "Just push some chakra into the door?"

Pakkun nods. "That's what the man said."

Iruka's eyes flit to the nearest ANBU, who is staring at him. Maybe. It's hard to tell through that stupid mask. He focuses on the door again, and raises his hand, pushing his palm flat against the wood. He concentrates, guiding his chakra out, just a little at first, then more and more. He is about to ask Pakkun if he knows how much chakra he's supposed to emit, or for how long, when there is a sensation like a lock being snicked open under his palm. He draws back, looking down at Pakkun uncertainly. "Er, is that it?"

"That's all you can do, yeah, door's open now and you can go insi—hey, wait, buddy, you don't wanna do that!" Pakkun calls, addressing an ANBU who is moving forward and reaching for the doorknob as Iruka hurries out of his way.

The man is too fast for Pakkun's warning—Iruka decides he must be new and not nearly paranoid enough—and before the dog gets the last word out, the ANBU has put his hand on the knob and opened the door, which swings inward. The ANBU suddenly yanks his hand back, the eyeholes in his mask fixed firmly on the extremity. Iruka is close enough to see what has happened, though his brain has a hard time processing it.

The part of the ANBU's hand that crossed the threshold of the doorway simply isn't there anymore.

There's no blood, there are no squirming fingers on the doorstep. Just an ANBU with half his thumb missing and the rest of his hand gone from just below the knuckles up, no fingers at all anymore. The wound seems to be completely cauterized, looking for all the world as though it's been that way for weeks.

Distant thunder is the only sound for a few seconds, and then Iruka explodes. Whirling on Pakkun, he snarls, "Didn't you just say that I'd disabled the traps? What the fuck was that?!" Around him the ANBU are examining their injured comrade, and one whose red scarf shows like blood against her throat orders him to the hospital, then orders a few others to start investigating this strange trap, and she probably gives some more orders but Iruka's head is spinning. Was this whole thing Kakashi's idea of a joke?

"Calm down, Sensei," the summon growls. "I was trying to explain when that hotheaded puppy decided he was going to jump the gun. I thought for sure there was an I.Q. standard for ANBU, but apparently I was wrong. He probably only got his job because you guys are short-staffed. What I was saying was, it's safe for _you _to go inside. Just you, Iruka-sensei, no one else. That last trap jutsu will keep anyone else out, no matter what entrance they try to use. Well, other than Kakashi and us. The pack, I mean."

Iruka can feel veins in his forehead throbbing, and wouldn't be surprised if he has a facial tic or three developing. "You might perhaps have mentioned that earlier, Pakkun-san," he hisses.

"Hey, don't get so sore at me. It's not like we've had a lot of time for explanations. And that ANBU guy probably won't ever be so reckless again, eh? Whether he stays in ANBU or not. He might have screwed up and been killed somewhere else, right?"

They're interrupted by the ANBU captain. "Pakkun-san, how do we disengage this trap?"

In a very amusing human gesture, Pakkun sits back on his hind legs, spreading his forepaws wide while shrugging. "I got no idea, Captain. I don't think the boss meant for anyone to turn it off. But it's okay; I can lead the sensei to the scrolls."

"No, you can't," the captain says, her voice even. "Morino-sama specifically instructed us that no one is to touch the documents except ANBU."

"So make the sensei an ANBU. Problem solved," Pakkun says, and once again Iruka can't tell whether the dog is joking or not.

"Impossible," is the flat, predictable response.

"Well, that's the easiest solution you're going to get, other than letting Iruka-sensei and me go and get the job done. I swear, you humans have to make everything so complicated."

The captain turns to Iruka, and he is close enough to see her eyes flashing through the slits in her mask. "Do not enter the premises of this domicile for any reason, Umino-san." She turns away and he can hear her commanding someone to report to Ibiki and inquire for further instructions.

"Damn, I hope this doesn't take all day," Pakkun grumbles. "I haven't eaten, you know. I might pass out."

"I wish I could help," Iruka says absently, more from reflex than anything. He stands against the wall and slides down it, reaching out to scratch Pakkun behind the ears.

Pakkun harrumphs, but leans into the touch, almost like a cat.

The rain has started pouring down again in earnest by the time the ANBU returns, and someone has cast a shielding jutsu to keep the rain off the ANBU who are studying the house. Iruka and Pakkun are close enough that the jutsu shields them as well, and Iruka is grateful for small blessings.

Ibiki arrives in person, teleporting in without a noise or a hint of smoke or leaves, bells or whistles, apparently concerned about the trap jutsu. He doesn't even spare Iruka a glance as he passes by to join the ANBU who are reexamining the perimeter. Iruka shivers as he hears the head of T&I get into a hissed argument with the ANBU captain and the rest of the trap specialists. Ibiki seems unusually rattled, and Iruka wonders if it is because of Kakashi. He doesn't think the two of them are close, but they've known each other for a very long time.

He's probably being silly. Just because Kakashi has Iruka rattled doesn't mean he's the rain on anyone else's parade.

After several excruciating minutes, Ibiki storms over to where Iruka is crouched near Pakkun. Iruka stands up, raising an eyebrow because Ibiki is glaring ferociously at Pakkun, who stares steadily back even though he's curled in on himself a little.

"I don't like this," Ibiki says after a moment. "This whole business is bullshit."

The dog looks like he's about to make a smart remark, so Iruka quickly says, "Has there been any progress, Ibiki-san?"

"No, there hasn't. In fact, things are worse than I'd initially thought they were. After further questioning of Hatake, I've found out that not only are you the only person that can get in there right now, but the same jutsu that prevents anyone else from getting in will destroy the scrolls if anyone attempts to remove them."

Iruka gapes.

"'At's why I 'ave 'ish," pipes a voice from around their ankles, and Iruka looks down to see Pakkun holding a slim camera in his mouth, presumably retrieved from inside his little blue vest.

"Is there anything _else_ we should know, Pakkun?" Iruka bites out, thoroughly perturbed now. He can feel that thin blue edge of anger rising again.

Pakkun tucks the camera out of sight again before responding. "Hey, I woulda told you that before you tried to take the documents." The dog is unrepentant.

Ibiki grinds his teeth audibly, shocking Iruka into silence. He hasn't had much contact with the man before, but he knows that for him to be showing such a telling sign of frustration bodes very ill indeed. He hopes whoever it bodes ill for isn't himself, but the way things are turning out, it seems unlikely it'll be anyone else. "Umino-san, you are to follow Pakkun directly to the documents, photograph each and every one completely and clearly, and then you will report directly here to me with the camera ASAP. Understood?"

Iruka blinks. "You're actually going to let me go in there? To retrieve sensitive documents, somewhere you can't follow, not knowing what Kakashi-san has done to me?"

Ibiki's eyes narrow, laser-piercing, and his scarred face seems to gain hundreds of years' worth of wisdom and ugly experience, like someone who has been fighting a bloody war since time out of mind. Iruka's blood freezes. He can't control the chattering of his teeth, though he keeps his knees from buckling and doesn't flinch away from the gaze.

Finally the intensity fades from Ibiki's face, and he merely says, "Don't question me, kid."

Iruka can't remember what his objections were anymore, anyway. Ordinarily he'd chafe at being called 'kid' by someone who's only a couple of years older than he is, but the feeling of having barely escaped the jaws of some nameless ancient beast washes away his pique. He hopes to never again face such telling evidence that Ibiki is very, very good at what he does.

Ibiki lets out a little sigh, and smiles. It is a tiny smile that actually reaches his eyes, and makes his rugged, scarred face look almost gentle. Iruka the shinobi is instantly wary as Iruka the human relaxes. The master interrogator lays a hand on Iruka's shoulder, speaking too softly for anyone other than Pakkun to hear. "I've just spent all day yesterday and half of last night questioning Hatake, and I've also known him for a lot of years. I know how he operates. Even though these latest stunts are a bit out of his normal scope, he's essentially the same. It is my professional opinion that Hatake would not deliberately put you in a situation that would be physically harmful to your person."

Iruka doesn't want Ibiki to think he is questioning the man's judgment again, but he can't help voicing his concern. "He could have planted suggestions in my head that would cause me to commit treasonous acts, or cause harm to others, couldn't he?"

Ibiki's gentle smile grows predatory. "Either of those would most definitely put you in a situation that would be physically harmful to your person, and believe me, I'm sure he's accounted for that."

Iruka nods, not sure whether that makes him feel better or not.

The hand on his shoulder gives a light squeeze and drops away. "Now, quit stalling and get to work, shinobi," Ibiki says, turning away and walking back to the ANBU captain, who begins speaking in low, urgent tones and gesturing to the house and Iruka.

Iruka decides he should just ignore everything except the task at hand. It's not a mission in the conventional sense, but it certainly calls for mission-focus.

"Ready now, Iruka-sensei?" says a voice by his feet, nearly startling him into grabbing a weapon. He sighs as he realizes that he's definitely got to improve his focus if he's already forgotten about Pakkun. Having just received a lot of personal attention from the head of T&I is no excuse for carelessness.

"I'm ready. Lead the way," he says, proud of how confident he sounds.

Pakkun slips through the entranceway, nudging the door all the way open as he goes. Iruka's heart nearly stops when the first paw passes the threshold, but then the dog is inside and blinking back at him. "Coming?"

Iruka approaches the doorway and tries not to quail. The image of the ANBU silently staring at the remains of his hand won't leave his mind. He slowly sticks out a finger and pushes it through the doorway as the ninken snorts. There isn't any sort of reaction at all, no flare of chakra, no change in air pressure or density, nothing at all to indicate that he's standing right in front of perhaps the most deadly trap he's ever come across. He pushes his whole hand into the house, then his arm, and then finally just walks inside. Pakkun snorts again and he glares.

"You all there, Sensei?" chuckles the pug.

"Are you that unobservant?" Iruka retorts.

The ninken sniffs haughtily and begins walking away, and Iruka follows.


	7. Chapter 7

**Part 7**

The house is normal, if barren. The only signs of hominess are the heavily shaded curtains and windows, which throw the rooms into near-darkness. The light from the open doorway is muted by the storm and fades quickly. Iruka tries a light-switch and is surprised when it works.

He follows the ninken through a doorway, then stops as the pug abruptly sits down in front of him and looks up at him expectantly. Iruka looks around and realizes they are in a kitchen. He glares at Pakkun. "You can't be serious."

As if on cue, the dog's stomach growls loudly. Iruka slaps a hand to his forehead.

"Told ya I haven't eaten, Sensei. And it ain't like the ANBU can come in and check on you to make sure you're on-task."

The flat-faced little brat is far too smug for his own good, but what he says is true enough, Iruka supposes. Shaking his head, he asks, "What am I supposed to feed you, then?"

"Check the fridge."

That would definitely indicate that Kakashi has been coming here even after he finished doing…whatever he did to Iruka. This place is probably not just a scroll-hiding place, then. Iruka opens the fridge, and goggles a bit at the sheer volume of food inside, all stored neatly in Tupperware containers. "Er…"

"He labels them with names," Pakkun says helpfully.

"Right," Iruka sighs, and begins sifting through the tubs, reading the names inked neatly on masking tape. 'Uuhei', 'Guruko', 'Akino', a gigantic sink-sized tub labeled 'Bull', 'Iruka'—

Eh?

He grabs the container with his name off the shelf and catches a folded note before it can flutter to the floor. Setting the container on the counter, he snaps open the paper.

_Iruka,_

_I know you're pissed with me, but believe me when I say that all of this is going to work out. When this all blows over I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, short of giving you up. That I will never, never do. I'll always want you. So don't give up on me either, okay?_

It is signed with the trademark henohenomoheji, of course. The little scarecrow-face is just a tad too whimsical-looking for Iruka's frayed nerves, and he crumples up the note and hurls it viciously against the wall. It skitters unimpressively to the floor.

Well, there goes Shiko's theory that Kakashi just wasn't bright enough to realize what was going to happen to him. Apparently his genius label has a solid foundation. That arrogant bastard.

He can't deny that part of him is relieved, and so happy that Kakashi took the time to make sure Iruka got a message from him when they were certain to be apart, where no one could observe him writing the message or Iruka receiving it. Words just for him.

But, since he is a grown man, a shinobi, and not a simpering twelve-year-old girl, many bigger parts of him are just mad as hell. Kakashi hasn't tried to deny what he's done, at least, but he's obviously completely unapologetic about it. Not only that, but the note seems to indicate that the main thrust of his feelings for Iruka is purely possessive, not affectionate or caring. That feels like a burning wound in Iruka's chest, like he's been lanced.

Not to mention there is a big difference between 'giving up' a person and 'giving up on' them. The former implies possession, and the latter implies faith. It seems Kakashi doesn't think he needs faith in Iruka, since Iruka 'belongs' to him and doesn't have a choice about the situation either way, but thinks Iruka should have faith in him—like one would have faith in a parent, or a protector, or a god.

"Sensei?" Pakkun's voice is cautious, almost timid.

Iruka realizes he is snarling at the ball of paper on the floor, his hands tightly fisted, and forces himself to relax and turn back to the refrigerator. "Just a minute, Pakkun-san," he mutters, locating the container with the pug's name on it. Ripping the tape off, he shoves it in the microwave and starts heating it up.

He hears a little sigh behind him. "You know, the boss—"

"I don't want to hear it, Pakkun-san," Iruka says evenly.

Mercifully, the dog is quiet, and Iruka focuses on the hum of the microwave to clear his thoughts. The smell coming from the little appliance is mouthwatering, and Iruka wonders if Kakashi cooks them the same kinds of things he cooks for Iruka. His stomach growls, and he remembers abruptly that Pakkun isn't the only one who hasn't eaten today. He shoots a glare at the tub labeled 'Iruka' that is still sitting on the counter.

The microwave beeps, and he grabs Pakkun's food, removing the lid to see what looks like a hunk of Beef Wellington and some vegetables slathered in gravy. He snorts. "Spoiled mutts," he says, turning to set the bowl down on the floor, only to find Pakkun sitting on the little kitchen table.

"What?" the pug says when Iruka raises a brow. "Just because I'm a dog, I gotta eat on the floor?"

"Yes," Iruka replies.

Pakkun looks very affronted. "Hmph! I'll have you know—"

"If it were my house, yes," Iruka clarifies. "Here, you can eat wherever you want, I don't care." He thunks the bowl down in front of the dog. "Hurry up, I don't want to take too much longer. Even if no one can come in here, eventually we have to go back out there, and I'd rather no one is out for my blood when we do."

Pakkun doesn't really look appeased, but starts eating without further comment. He looks up again when Iruka's stomach growls audibly. "Why don't you eat too, Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka has been trying to convince himself that he shouldn't trust anything Kakashi made, but he's having a hard time coming up with a good reason why. Ibiki's assertion that Kakashi wouldn't put him in harm's way runs through his head, but he can't help feeling like there could be some insidious way for Kakashi to influence him through the food that he would never think of in a million years. He's too close to the situation to know if the paranoia is warranted or ridiculous.

"If you're worried, I could always taste your food before you eat it," Pakkun suggests, a little too hopefully. "Just to be safe."

That decides him. "You just want extra. Eat your own damn food and be happy about it," Iruka gripes, getting up to throw the other container in the oven. If Pakkun's willing to eat Iruka's food, there probably isn't anything to worry about. If he's wrong, he's wrong. He's tired of trying to think about it.

Kakashi has made him bouillabaisse, Iruka's favorite stew after yosenabe. He's really glad it's not Beef Wellington. Delicious thought it might be, Iruka's not a huge fan of beef. It always makes him feel sluggish. He doesn't understand how the little pug will be able to move after having eaten a piece about as big as his head.

They both finish at the same time, and Iruka feels compelled to wash the bowls since he doesn't know when anyone will return here. He's not bothered by clutter and regularly leaves dirty laundry on his bedroom floor, but rotting food sitting out in the open, collecting insects, makes him queasy. Even if he doesn't have to see it, just the knowledge that it exists will bother him.

Pakkun leads Iruka across the hall and into a small, empty room. There is only a curtained window and a cracked light fixture on the ceiling to break the monotony of white walls and a naked wooden floor. It takes him a few seconds to realize that there is a genjutsu active in the room. It's extremely faint; he's certain he wouldn't have noticed it if he wasn't on high alert.

He makes a seal. "Kai!"

For a second, it looks like nothing's happened. Then, searching the room once more, Iruka realizes that there's a small sliding door set in one of the walls, carefully built in and painted to camouflage it. Again, if he hadn't been really looking, he would probably have missed it. He walks over to it and cautiously slides it open.

The door reveals a tiny, featureless closet.

Iruka blinks at it for a few seconds, then makes the dispelling seal again. "Kai!"

Nothing.

He turns to look at Pakkun, who is wearing a distinctly amused expression. "You want to help me out a little, Pakkun?" Iruka asks, annoyed.

"Why? You're doing fine without me so far." His hind leg scratches behind an ear.

"I didn't come here to solve a puzzle."

"Fine, fine." The dog trots into the closet with him—there's just barely room for both of them—and sniffs around the floor. "Stand here," he says, indicating a spot with his paw, "and clap your hands five times while spinning around on one foot and repeating 'I believe in miracles'—"

"Pakkun!" Iruka snaps, feeling a muscle in his cheek twitching. His last nerve is close to fraying, even if he is secretly a little amused.

"Okay, okay, you don't have to blow a gasket, I'm just trying to cheer you up, Sensei!"

"I appreciate it, but now's not the time."

"Well, you do need to stand here. Just face the door and pulse chakra into the wall in front of you three times."

Iruka squints at Pakkun suspiciously, but there's no hint of mischief in the dog's bland expression. So he follows the instructions, and is pleased to see a couple of buttons appear on the wall next to the doorway after the third pulse.

"Push the bottom button," Pakkun instructs.

He does, and is faintly surprised when the door slides shut, leaving them in darkness for a second before a light pops on overhead. He's caught completely off-guard when the entire closet starts descending rapidly. "Whoa!" he exclaims, stumbling just a little.

"Never been in an elevator, Sensei?"

"Er, no, I haven't. Do they all—ah!" Iruka gasps, as the room halts so abruptly that it nearly sends him to his knees. "Do they all stop and start like that?"

"You're asking me? I'm not an elevator connoisseur." The pug looks completely unruffled by the journey. Iruka envies him his low center of gravity.

"Never mind," he sighs, as the door in front of them slides open, revealing a long, low room that resembles, in both looks and the smells of decaying paper and old coffee, one of the storage rooms under the Academy library.

They step out, and the light in the elevator shuts off as overhead lights switch on one after another, until the whole room is brightly illuminated. There are shelves and file cabinets lining the walls, and tables in rows from one end of the room to the other, most covered with papers and rolled-up scrolls, maps and books, writing implements, magnifying glasses and reading lamps. Several comfortable looking chairs are scattered among the tables. There's also a small alcove, hidden at first by a file cabinet taller than Iruka, that houses a tiny kitchenette, complete with a small fridge, a two-burner stove and an economy-sized coffee maker.

Iruka steps around the tables into the middle of the room, his heart sinking as he takes in the sheer volume of paper. There have to be hundreds of thousands of scrolls in here, and he has no idea which ones would be relevant or how they're organized. If they're organized at all. Since Kakashi can use the Sharingan to memorize eidetically, he wouldn't have to have any sort of system. It would definitely confound anyone trying to find a set of documents Kakashi wanted hidden. Such as Iruka.

"Pakkun," Iruka says, beginning to despair, "please tell me you know which scrolls I need to photograph and where they are." He doesn't think there's any reason Kakashi's ninken would have this information, but maybe…maybe he can smell whatever Kakashi's used most recently, or something like that…

"Check the table at the back, Iruka-sensei," Pakkun says. He sounds like he's trying to keep from laughing.

Shooting a suspicious glance at the dog, Iruka wades through the rows of tables and chairs to the table at the end of the room. He notices as he approaches that everything on this table is very neatly stacked and organized, as opposed to the careless sprawls of books and scrolls on every other table.

He really shouldn't be surprised by this point, but he is when he sees an origami dolphin labeled 'Iruka-sensei' on top of a stack of books in the middle of the table. He finds himself far more irritated than relieved.

Pakkun jumps up onto the table in front of him. "We already established that the boss knew you were gonna be coming, right? He knew what Ibiki would want. If it was anyone else, he would have made this whole thing completely impossible, just for kicks."

"And I'm just supposed to trust that what's right here is everything that's relevant, that he's not hiding anything?" Iruka growls. "I should just let him hand-feed me whatever he wants to?"

"Sensei, don't be like that," the dog chides, cocking his head. "The boss just doesn't want you to have to go to all the trouble of—"

The thin blue line of rage has begun blazing cold along Iruka's spine. Before he knows it, he's got Pakkun by the throat, shoved onto his back on the table. Despite the violence, Iruka feels calm as a blade. "Don't talk that son of a bitch up to me, you little shit," he says, his voice almost conversational. "Do you have any idea what he's done to me? Do you even know what we're looking for down here? Don't fuck with me for his sake; I don't care if he's your master."

Pakkun is gagging and looking up at him with fear in his eyes, the first time Iruka's seen it there, and sanity suddenly returns. He releases the dog instantly, horrified at himself, and stares at his hand like he's never seen it before. What a big man he is, attacking a dog that's barely as long as his forearm, ninken or not.

Feeling shaky, he backs up against a file cabinet and sinks down to the floor, closing his eyes. He bangs his head hard against the rigid surface behind him, and the dull clank resounds around the room. He does it again and again, until he's seeing stars behind his lids. "Pakkun-san," he says thickly, "I'm so sorry."

He feels a paw on his leg and looks down to see the pug looking up at him. Iruka's eyes fill and he doesn't bother to suppress the tears or swipe at them. "No harm done, Sensei," Pakkun says gently, though his voice is slightly more gravelly than usual, which makes Iruka feel worse.

He opens his mouth to apologize more thoroughly, but shuts it again when no words will come that don't sound more trite than contrite. Tears crawl down his face, pooling in between his lips before spilling down his chin.

"Sensei…" Pakkun begins hesitantly, "I don't know the details of what's happened, it's true. I know the boss made you want to be with him, made you think you'd been together a lot longer than you have, and that maybe it can't be undone. That's all I know. It's not right, and there's no excuse for it. But…if I say something, are you going to get all bent out of shape again?"

Iruka chuckles bitterly. "No. Say what you want to say."

Pakkun looks slightly wary, but speaks anyway. "The boss, he's really gone downhill since the whole Sasuke incident. Even before that, the way he lost to Itachi really undermined his confidence. Not that he'd ever show it, but we can smell it on him."

"You can smell confidence?" Iruka asks, finally wiping his tears away. The thought is amusing.

"You wanna hear this or not?"

Iruka isn't sure he does, but he says, "Sorry, go on."

Pakkun clears his throat and resumes. His voice sounds a little better, Iruka thinks, though maybe it's just wishful thinking. "Anyway, I know in a village full of ninja, just about everyone's got a sob story, and anyone who makes it to elite status is deranged and damaged. Especially ANBU. But the boss is a special kind of crazy, because he can do things almost no one else can do, and not just because of the Sharingan. And you're caught up in it now, no matter what happens. He'll never let this go, even if the Hokage manages to find a way to completely undo what he's done."

I'll never, never give you up, the note had said. Iruka wonders what Pakkun is trying to accomplish, telling him this. "Pakkun—"

"If you fight him, run from him, this whole situation will get a lot worse than it is right now," Pakkun continues over him.

"So you're saying I should just let him do whatever he wants?" Iruka bites out. He feels irritated, and shoves the feeling away harshly. He will not lose it around Pakkun again.

"I'm saying try to work with him. Try to understand exactly what it is that he wants from you. And no, it's not sex. Not just sex," he amends, when Iruka laughs out loud. "Try to make him admit to whatever needs he is trying to fulfill by doing this to you. None of this will be easy; he's a master of evasion, misdirection and being an annoying pain in the ass, as you probably know. But if you can manage to get him to be honest with you, he won't be able to feel like you're not his equal, no matter what he's done. And if he doesn't feel like he's in control of you, there's a possibility he'll let you go, if you want to go. If you just rebel against him, you might piss him off, but he'll know you're reacting to him and thus he'll still feel in control, and will pursue you to the ends of the earth, even if he's lost interest in you by then."

Iruka stares at Pakkun in amazement. "You weren't kidding about him being a special kind of crazy."

The pug's grin is toothy. "Nope."

Iruka puts a hand gently on the dog's head, scratching. He's glad when the ninken doesn't flinch from him. "I'll think about what you've said, Pakkun. Thanks for the advice."

"Anytime, Sensei." The pug dips into his vest and pulls out the camera he'd displayed earlier, dropping it on Iruka's lap. "How about getting started now? I seem to remember someone wanting to get out of here sometime today."

Picking up the camera, Iruka gets to his feet and stares at the piles of documents on the table for a moment. "Right," he sighs, and reaches for the first scroll.


	8. Chapter 8

**Part 8**

"How many pictures can this thing take?" Iruka asks, looking at the counter on the back of the camera. It started at zero, going on three hours ago, and now reads '1456'.

Pakkun yawns and looks up at him blearily. "Dunno," he mumbles. "K'kashi once said you could take a picture of every leaf on every tree in Konoha with that camera and still be able to make a record of every woman who entered the hot springs for a month." The dog cocks his ear as a vein stands out on Iruka's forehead. "Or maybe it was Jiraiya who said that. The boss got the camera from him, you know."

Iruka sighs and shakes his head. "I'm sorry I asked. I'm surprised there wasn't an Icha Icha peeping collection on this already."

"There might've been. The boss would have had those printed up a long time ago, though. Say, are you finished yet?"

"Just about." Iruka flips a page in the last book and snaps a shot of it. These books are really eating up the time. There are only four of them, but they each have a few hundred pages, and Iruka doesn't know what pages are relevant. Everything is in code, as well, from the scrolls to the loose documents to the tomes, which doesn't help. He's a pretty decent code-breaker and knows a lot of the basic Konoha codes by heart, since he has to teach them. However, it seems as though each document is encrypted with a different code, and none of the codes are basic. Some of them look like older, obsolete codes and others look as though they originated outside Fire Country. The rest are unlike anything he's ever seen before. It would take him hours just to decode one of the encryptions enough to make sense of what he was reading.

His shoulders slump a little as he snaps shots of the rest of the book. He desperately wants to know what it is that he's photographing. T&I will be able to find that out a hell of a lot faster and easier than he would struggling down here on his own, but of course they're not guaranteed to tell him everything. Hell, they're not guaranteed to tell him _anything_. T&I's policy has always seemed to Iruka to be 'if you don't need to know it, we'll bite our tongues off before we tell you, and your tongue too if we can manage it'. Plus, their definition of 'need to know' is notoriously narrow. Most likely the only way he'll get any information is if Tsunade-sama takes pity on him and tells him herself, or if he can get back in here with some code-breaking and encryption resources. Unlikely, considering there will definitely be ANBU stationed here around the clock, for now.

Finally he takes the last picture, closes the book and powers down the camera. He glances at the origami dolphin that bears his name, lying innocuously on the table where it landed when he brushed it aside earlier. He means to just leave it there, but suddenly the thought of leaving this stupid little perfectly-folded dolphin down here in the dark, this little piece of processed tree art that Kakashi made for him, is completely unbearable. He thinks it's probably because he doesn't know when—or possibly if—he'll see Kakashi again, but it doesn't really matter why.

Now that he's started thinking about this, Iruka can't make himself stop. He's finished what he came here to do, but he doesn't want to leave. This is a place where Kakashi has obviously spent many hours, days, maybe weeks; beneath the coffee and the dust of old paper Iruka can even smell him, the oiled leather and metal scent of shinobi with the tree-bark musk and ozone of his skin. Iruka can almost feel Kakashi's phantom arms sliding around his waist from behind, his chin resting on Iruka's shoulder, his hair tickling Iruka's cheek.

Iruka's knees feel weak, and he presses his hands onto the table to steady himself. He wishes fiercely that Kakashi had wiped out Shiko's memory, wiped out her parents' as well, along with anyone who'd known that she and Iruka were together, and that he'd just decided to live with his damn headaches, so that none of this would ever have come to light. It's ridiculous to want something like that; it's completely unfair to himself, Shiko, and everyone except Kakashi, but he wants it anyway. Even if he only feels this way because Kakashi's forced him to, it's intense enough that fighting it makes him feel like he's ripping himself into pieces.

"You okay, Sensei?" Pakkun inquires. "You're kinda spacing out, there."

Iruka had forgotten about him. He brings himself around, forcing out a shaky smile. "Oh, fine, Pakkun. Just tired, is all." He grits his teeth and grabs the paper dolphin off the table, shoving it in his pocket. The pug gives him a knowing look, and Iruka turns his back so he can't meet Pakkun's eyes. "I'm done now, so let's go." He takes a step forward, then pauses and looks down to where Pakkun has just jumped off the table. "Why are you still here, anyway? You could have left already, you know."

"Kakashi asked me to hang around, make sure everything goes smoothly. Plus he wants me to report back to him, and they're not likely to let him summon me again just to find out how you're doing."

"What exactly are you going to report to him?"

That must have come out sounding a bit more menacing than Iruka meant it to, because Pakkun backs away a few steps and asks, "Is there something you don't want me to tell the boss, Sensei?"

It's a good question, really. "Wouldn't you have to tell him if he ordered you to, whether I want you to or not?"

Pakkun bursts out laughing, which startles Iruka into reaching for a weapon. "No, no, it doesn't work like that. Summons aren't enslaved to our summoners, you know; we just work together. If you tell me you don't want me to tell the boss something, I won't."

"Oh. That's good to know." Iruka is about to say that Pakkun shouldn't tell Kakashi anything except the basic mission debriefing information, but realizes that will just end up making trouble for the dog. He doesn't care about upsetting Kakashi, but he doesn't like it that Pakkun's caught in the middle of this, and Iruka doesn't want to make things harder for him. Anything Pakkun would say Kakashi could probably guess anyway, so after a moment Iruka grinds out, "Just don't tell him I kept his stupid dolphin," and stomps back to the elevator.

Pakkun follows him after a moment, looking a bit nonplussed. "Uh, sure, Sensei. Whatever you say."

***

Iruka is lying on his bed listening to the rain pouring down. It's mid-afternoon, but it's as dark as dusk outside. The white noise fills his head, pushing out coherent thoughts as he drifts in and out of a doze. He can't sleep properly, even though he's been awake for almost thirty-eight hours.

Ibiki had not been happy when Iruka emerged from the house. The T&I head hadn't been expecting Iruka to take anywhere near that long to finish documenting the scrolls, and was extremely frustrated with their inability to disarm the disintegration trap around the house. They couldn't even locate its source. When Iruka gave Ibiki his debriefing and handed over the camera, Ibiki seemed astounded by the number of documents Kakashi had set aside for Iruka to record. When he looked over the shot previews on the back of the camera so that he could see what kind of codes he was going to be dealing with, after scrolling through about four or five images he looked up at the overcast sky and mumbled, "Maybe I could become a glass-blower. Or tame lions in the circus. Circus people have a fun life, right?"

After consulting with a couple of his ANBU, Ibiki had informed him that it would definitely take a lot more time to decode the information than he'd thought, and thus his meeting with Iruka would have to be delayed until they put all the information together.

Iruka wonders what would have happened if Kakashi had not told them about the scrolls, and the Hokage and Ibiki had just gone ahead and tried to fix his memories blindly. Is Kakashi trying to make things easier for him, or harder? It hardly seems likely that he'd go through all the trouble of screwing with Iruka's head, and then just hand over the instructions to undo his work. It must be what Pakkun had guessed earlier, that Kakashi isn't worried about anyone being able to undo what he's done, and it doesn't matter if anyone reads through his research or not. That, or Kakashi is just amusing himself and Ibiki is wrong about him not putting Iruka in harm's way. Iruka doesn't know which is more likely, since he has no way of crediting what he thinks he knows about the man.

What he remembers hearing from others about Kakashi doesn't make the issue any clearer. He knows Naruto respects Kakashi—loves him, even—despite complaining about his constant lateness and perving over Icha Icha. Sakura has expressed similar feelings, and in particular was touched when Kakashi proclaimed that he'd never let his teammates die. An admirable sentiment, if foolish and dangerous for a shinobi to make. To Kakashi's credit, no teammates of his had been killed since, though Iruka rather suspects that has more to do with their own merits than Kakashi not 'letting' them die.

Even Sasuke—poor misguided, manipulated, desperate Sasuke—had looked up to Kakashi, as much as the kid would allow himself to look up to anyone. Maybe it should be unclear whether that said something good or bad about Kakashi, but Iruka can't help thinking that Kakashi had been almost as good for Sasuke as Naruto had been. If a few of the variables had been just a little different—if Sasuke hadn't found out Itachi was going after Naruto, if the Sound Four hadn't arrived the same day Naruto and Sasuke fought on the roof of the hospital, if Sakura had alerted them that Sasuke was going to try to leave the village that night instead of going after him by herself…

If, if, if. Iruka is getting off track.

He abruptly remembers what Kakashi had said at their infamous pre-Chuunin exam confrontation, about how ruining his students would be interesting. He'd claimed it was a joke, but Iruka remembers how his blood had run cold at the look in Kakashi's eye when he'd said it. Even if that look and that statement had been just for Iruka's benefit and didn't have anything to do with Kakashi's 'subordinates', it is difficult to tell what that reveals.

Iruka sighs and shakes his head. That memory doesn't prove anything except that Kakashi is a manipulative son of a bitch with a weird sense of humor, which isn't news to any ninja above genin. At least it is a memory Iruka is confident is real. His head doesn't hurt too much when he thinks about it, and he can't start doubting memories that happened that long ago or he'll go mad.

There is a knock on his door. Iruka considers just letting it go—if it's important, the person won't stop with just knocking on the door unless it's Shiko, and he doesn't want to see her again today—but decides he really needs the distraction.

He shuffles into his little foyer, still muzzy with the sound of rain, but his head clears when he opens the door and almost gets his eye poked out by Genma's senbon. "Genma-san?"

The special jounin grins widely. "Hey, Sensei! Heard you weren't in class today, and someone said your mission shifts are being covered, too. You sick?"

Genma's posture is casual, otiose, but just by being here he gives himself away. He's never come to Iruka's house, probably didn't even know where he lives before today, and though Iruka is devoted to his work he _has_ been sick or injured before. He's pretty sure if he mentions that, Genma's response will be that he feels a bit responsible for him not feeling well since he bought Iruka so many drinks last night. Which would be a complete lie, and Iruka doesn't want to hear it. What is far more likely is that there are rumors going around about himself and Kakashi, since Kakashi was detained yesterday and today Iruka is off-duty indefinitely. Probably some very unsavory rumors, at that, or Genma wouldn't have bothered going out of his way to find Iruka at home. He doesn't flatter himself that Genma has much interest in his well-being; the man probably couldn't get access to Kakashi and is working the next-best angle. He won't insult Genma by assuming it's just idle curiosity—ninja need to know who they can trust and how far, especially their comrades.

Trust is very important to a ninja. Shinobi who can't trust anyone usually either become useless, or become missing-nin.

"Sensei?" Genma's eyes lose a little of their feigned indifference.

Iruka sighs internally. He's spacing out entirely too much. "What've you heard, Genma-san?" he asks, slouching against the doorframe and crossing his arms across his chest.

Thankfully, Genma doesn't insult him by playing dumb. "We shouldn't talk out here," he says crisply.

Iruka nods and backs up into his flat. Genma follows, quickly shedding his shoes.

"Tea?" Iruka asks, hoping his visitor will cut to the chase.

He isn't disappointed. "I'm sure you've figured out this isn't a social call, Iruka-sensei." There is a very hard edge to his voice that makes Iruka curious as to what sort of rumors are going around. "You probably can't tell me any details, but I want you to tell me whatever you can."

Iruka raises a brow. _Tell you whatever I can about what, exactly?_ "Um…why don't you tell me what you're thinking, first?"

"I don't know what to think. That's the problem. First Kakashi gets taken in by Ibiki, and then this morning you're running around with Pakkun, and then I find out you've been taken off all duties. No one can get in to see Kakashi, and no one can get any sort of info on why he's being held to begin with. It's obvious you have some kind of connection with this, but no one can find anything out about that, either."

Iruka's head has begun to throb once again. He considers sitting down, but doesn't want to since Genma is still standing. Settling for leaning against the wall, he says, "And what made you think I'd tell you anything you didn't already know?"

Genma takes the senbon out of his mouth and twirls it in his fingers. "Have you been ordered not to say anything?"

"I don't have to be. You know that."

"I've heard rumors among some of the chuunin that I never gave any credit to before today," Genma continues. "They said you and Kakashi had been seen together several times these past few weeks. There was some speculation about whether you two were an item."

Iruka really wishes he'd just left the door unanswered, though that would just have postponed this conversation instead of avoiding it altogether. Genma can be a persistent little shit. Iruka doesn't want to talk to him about any of this, but he doesn't want to make an enemy, either.

"Ordinarily," Genma goes on, "I would say that there's no way Kakashi would waste his time with an ordinary chuunin for anything other than a joke or a one night stand, but you're not exactly an ordinary chuunin."

Iruka is perplexed by that statement. Of course he's an ordinary chuunin; what the hell does Genma mean by that? And, 'wasting time'? What's Genma got against chuunin? Special jounin's only a rank above them. Iruka never realized Genma was such a snob.

"In this case," the jounin concludes, sticking his senbon back between his teeth, "I have to ask, if the rumors have any truth to them, what you are doing wasting your time with someone like Kakashi?" Genma's voice is laced with scorn, and it doesn't seem to be directed at Iruka.

"What do you mean, someone like Kakashi?" Iruka snaps, bristling. "What the hell are you getting at?"

Genma's eyes widen. "Fuck," he breathes. "So it's true."

Iruka nearly slaps his forehead. He's just been so easily played, it's embarrassing.

Well, after this loss of face, there's no point in keeping up the pretense of a struggle for the dominant position in the room. Iruka ambles over to his couch and flops down on it, rubbing his temples. "It's not nearly as simple as it sounds," he mutters.

He hears Genma cross the room, feels his weight settle on the couch next to him. "Nothing involving that guy is ever simple," Genma responds, and Iruka is glad to note that all the harshness has left his voice. "The two of you are in trouble?"

Iruka shakes his head, waving the question away. Genma's a shinobi; he'll understand Iruka's refusal to discuss the matter openly, though it might not dissuade him from trying to gain information through subterfuge or other means. "What was that shit about 'ordinary chuunin', huh?" he asks, to change the subject.

"Heh." The special jounin scratches at his nose, a little abashed. "I didn't mean anything by it, Iruka-sensei. Both your humility and your pride are too easy to manipulate."

"Hmph. You got me on a bad day, is all," Iruka mutters.

"Sensei, I know we've never been really close, but I do consider us friends," Genma says solemnly. "You and Kakashi both. I hope you know me well enough to know that I'll do whatever I can to help you, if you need it."

Iruka would like to believe Genma is being completely sincere and altruistic, but he can't. He likes Genma well enough, but he's been on a few recon missions with him and knows that when Genma wants information, he can turn into whoever he needs to be to get it.

Before he can think of a suitably courteous yet evasive reply, there is another knock on his door. It's the Morse code for ANBU, so there is no question of whether to answer it or not. "I seem to be wildly popular today," Iruka sighs as he hauls himself off the couch and shuffles to the door.

An ANBU in a mask that resembles a turtle is standing at the door. "The Hokage requests your presence, Umino Iruka."

"Be right there," Iruka replies. He turns to Genma, who has already risen and is pulling on his shoes. "Thanks for stopping by, Genma."

"Sure, sure." Genma crosses his arms, eyeing the ANBU in the doorway. "I'll be keeping an eye out for you, Sensei. Let me know if things get out of hand."

With that, he teleports away.

Iruka steps outside and locks his door, then begins the hand seals to teleport to the Hokage's tower, but the ANBU holds out a hand. "Please allow me."

Shrugging, Iruka drops his hands and waits, allowing the ANBU to transport them directly into the Hokage's office.


	9. Chapter 9

**Part 9**

Tsunade is arguing with Shizune when they arrive, though the heated exchange ceases before Iruka can materialize enough to make out more than a couple of loud, disembodied syllables.

Tsunade makes a sign with one hand, and both Shizune and Iruka's ANBU escort melt away with a bow. The Godaime looks very harassed, and Iruka isn't surprised when she slams open a drawer in her desk and hauls out a huge bottle of plum wine and two cups. "Drink with me, Iruka," she orders, pouring for both of them and pushing a cup toward the seat across from her.

Iruka feels like he should protest the Hokage getting liquored up in the middle of the work day, but he's really not himself today. He sits down without even a courteous greeting, and dutifully takes a sip. The wine is decent, sweeter than he likes but he can't complain about the quality.

The Hokage eyes him worriedly, a frown line creasing the center of her forehead. "How are you holding up?" she asks, draining her own glass.

Iruka pours for her. "I'm bored out of my skull, Hokage-sama. I'm not used to having nothing to do, and I'm trying not to think too much," he answers.

Nodding her thanks at him, Tsunade sips at a more sedate pace. "I'm sorry about that, Iruka. I was expecting that we'd be working on retrieving your memories today, but then we found out about Kakashi's giant stash of scrolls." She scowls, eyes narrowing into slits. "If I find out that he's leading us on a wild goose chase, I'm going to roast his nuts and eat them on toast."

Iruka crosses his legs unconsciously. "I hope that's not the case, Hokage-sama."

"Of course you do." Her eyes are open again, and she smiles. "I'm sure Ibiki's team will have some information by tomorrow, but if they don't, I'll find something for you to do that doesn't require clearance, Iruka."

Iruka smiles back. He'll be cleaning windows or swamping out septic tanks, most likely, but at least it'll be something to do. "Was there something you needed from me?" he asks, since it's not possible that Tsunade sent for him just to drink in her office and make small talk.

The smile on Tsunade's pretty face falters. She leans back in her chair and gulps down her wine, snatching up the bottle and pouring some more before Iruka can reach it, then refilling his cup as well even though it's over half-full. "To be perfectly honest, Iruka, I'm kind of at a loss," she admits, frowning into her cup. "Something like this is unprecedented. For the Sharingan to be used against one of our own, without a missing-nin involved, I mean, and by one of Konoha's most outstanding, dedicated servants. There's no rule-book to go by, not for any of this, and dealing with Kakashi and his half-truths and riddles is like looking for a specific drop of rain in a hurricane. To be perfectly honest, this whole situation didn't even begin to come together until you showed up at the hospital yesterday afternoon. We were forced to detain Kakashi that morning, but it was only because Shiko's parents were raising such a fuss and threatening to bring the matter before the council of elders."

Iruka's eyes widen. After what Tsunade told him before about the possibility of treason, he can understand why she would be willing to go along with them. He has no idea what kind of standing Shiko's parents have in the community, but the elders would definitely want to distance themselves from any shinobi who exhibited such a degree of instability and tendency toward scandal. Kakashi's service record would go a long way in his defense, but if Kakashi were put on trial and he was arrogant and unrepentant—as Iruka has no doubt would be the case—the elders could undo that without much trouble.

After all, if Iruka has his history right…they'd done it to his father, Hatake Sakumo, who had been considered on the same level as the Sannin and was still disgraced. Knowing that the Godaime will go to great lengths to protect Kakashi from that, even though he's done something awful, increases Iruka's fondness for her quite a lot.

"It took us hours of Kakashi's tergiversating before we were able to even give any credit to Shiko's parents' story," Tsunade continues. "We had a lot of trouble deciding how we should proceed. Some of Ibiki's team thought we should detain you as well, others thought we should observe you from a distance, and no one at all knew—knows what to do about Kakashi. Once it was established that something had been done to your mind, of course I was planning on bringing you in, but you pre-empted me because of the headaches. Which I didn't know about until you came to the hospital, I might mention, or I would have brought you in immediately. I think Kakashi is actually a little ashamed of causing them."

The corners of Iruka's lips turn up bitterly. "He told me he doesn't like seeing me in pain." It's his turn to gulp down the fragrant wine, and he snatches the bottle to refill his own glass. Having the Hokage pour his wine for him makes him feel like he has pretensions of being far above his station.

Tsunade's fulvous eyes regard him with understanding. "I think that's probably true. Iruka…this is by far the thorniest problem I've had to deal with since becoming Hokage of this village. I'm at a loss."

Iruka, terribly uncomfortable with his leader confiding such vulnerability in him, just sips his sake and waits for her to continue.

"My first instinct is to do everything I can to restore your mind, and say to hell with Kakashi if he complains, since he brought it on himself. But that's oversimplifying things, and would be like caring for a symptom and ignoring the cause. Kakashi needs something—from you, from me, I don't think even he could or would say what or from who—something he's probably needed for years, without knowing it."

Tsunade fists her hands on the desk as she continues. "You might know already that we have mandatory counseling for anyone who is or was in ANBU. But it mostly works as a way of keeping tabs on the morale and mental state of our elites, not as something helpful for them. We might have implemented a better system for them, but quite frankly, most ANBU die before they start exhibiting severe mental imbalance."

Iruka tries not to wince.

"At any rate," Tsunade continues, "counseling isn't effective if the person being counseled doesn't want assistance, especially if they resent being forced into personal disclosure. Kakashi, as I'm sure you could guess, uses the time to either sleep or amuse himself as much as possible. Even so, we've managed to deduce a few things about him."

"What, that he's a lonely, antisocial, manipulative bastard? That seems to be the prevailing theory," Iruka said, emboldened by the alcohol—he was on his third cup already. Or was it his fourth?

"Actually, he's not antisocial at all. I'm not going to sit here and pick him apart, but I will say that he has more friends than almost any ninja who's been active as long as he has—nearly twenty-three years, you know. It's really amazing how well he's done, personally and professionally, up to this point. He would probably still be doing well, if not for the dissolution of Team 7. Kakashi really loved that team, you know. It surprised me, how attached he is to those kids." She grins wryly, her head slightly hanging. "He's never been a big fan of kids in general, even when he was one. Especially when he was one."

"So…Hokage-sama—"

"Iruka, please, as long as we're behind closed doors, just call me Tsunade."

"Er…Tsunade-sama…"

The Godaime rolls her eyes, and scowls slightly, but doesn't correct him.

"Why do you think he did this to me? Do you think it's because I taught his team? Like…I'm sort of what's leftover of them, now that they've dispersed to the Sannin?" He's now extremely glad of the alcohol, because that's a very hurtful thought.

Tsunade clucks her tongue, chastising. "I'll be perfectly honest, Iruka; I don't know why Kakashi's fixated on you. But give yourself a little credit, hmm? There's something about you that's got Kakashi so focused on you that he spent months figuring out how to steal you from your girlfriend with ninjutsu. If he was only interested in you for the sake of other people, I don't think he would have gone nearly as far as he has. I'm not saying this to save your feelings," she says sternly, holding up a finger as he opens his mouth to protest. "This will make him far more unpredictable and dangerous once we fix whatever he's done to your mind. He seems confident that we won't be able to undo it all, but for all his genius Kakashi is not always able to make accurate predictions. Though if the disintegration trap around that Uchiha house is any indication, he might be right this time," she mutters.

Iruka can't tell, at this point, if the prospect of no one being able to undo Kakashi's work makes him feel worse or better.

"Now I don't know if anything we've talked about will have any bearing on this or not, but I might as well get down to the reason I brought you here."

Iruka's eyes widen slightly. "You didn't bring me here to talk about Kakashi?"

"Not directly. I brought you here because I need to figure out some course of action for after we restore your mind—at this point, I'm going to be optimistic until I have a reason not to be."

Setting his cup down, Iruka folds his arms and gives the Hokage his full attention.

"I don't know how single-minded Kakashi is going to be about you, but from what I know of him, when he gets it in his head that he's going to accomplish something, nothing can dissuade him. He's subtler about it than Naruto or Sasuke, but he's just as hard-headed. Even if you get your memories of Shiko back, I don't think he's going to let it go. He's also indicated as much, when Ibiki and I have questioned him." She raises a brow at Iruka. "He's really done a number on you, if the prospect of that is making you grin like an idiot."

Mortified, Iruka slams his lips shut on his toothy smile. He's more than halfway drunk; the plum wine is much stronger than he'd thought. Tsunade is even pouring him more; is she trying to get him plastered? How can they have a serious conversation like this?

"So I've been considering what to do," his Hokage goes on, pouring her own drink, and handing him his full cup when he makes no move to take it. "Kanpai," she says, knocking her glass against his, and he's totally obligated to drink again, now.

"K'npai," he mumbles, knocking back half the glass.

"This village needs both of you, but I'm not willing to sacrifice your happiness and the identity you've built yourself because Kakashi has an obsession with you, Iruka. The best way I can think of to preserve them is if I send you and Shiko overseas, secretly, either permanently or until Kakashi is stabilized."

Iruka feels like he's had ice dumped down his shirt. "Overseas…you want to send me out of Konoha?"

"Of course I don't want to!" Tsunade snaps. "I'm trying to figure out what would be best for both of you, and it seems like the best way to resolve this would be to keep you as far apart as possible, which I can't do if you're both in the village! Sending Kakashi away wouldn't do any good, because I know he wouldn't stay away, no matter what, but—"

"Pakkun gave me some advice this morning," Iruka interrupts, calmly even though his mind is whirling. To be exiled, maybe never to see his students again, his home, Naruto, _Kakashi…_

Luckily the Hokage chooses to overlook his rudeness. "Pakkun? What advice?"

"He said I should work with Kakashi, that I shouldn't run. Running will only make him chase me." _Like a dog,_ he thinks, and almost snorts. "He said I should work with him and get him to admit what he needs from me, and…and that maybe if I could get him to see me as an equal, he might let me go. If I wanted to."

Tsunade looks skeptical. "Iruka—"

"I'll go overseas, if it's what your orders are, Hoka—Tsunade-sama. But I don't want to. I really, _really_ don't want to have to leave Konoha. I'd rather have to fend off Kakashi every day for the rest of my life. I'd rather have to fend off _Orochimaru_ every day for the rest of my life."

"You might think differently when you have your memories of your fiancée back, Iruka," Tsunade says quietly.

"Then I'll think differently, when or if that happens. But that's how I feel right now."

"Alright. I won't make any preparations, for now. We'll talk about this again, after we are able to proceed further. And Iruka, I won't send you away unless you agree that it's necessary. I'll do whatever I can to make sure you can have whatever life you want, and that Kakashi doesn't interfere with it."

"And what will you do for Kakashi, Tsunade-sama?"

She grins. "Again, I'll do whatever I can. He's done so much for this village, and doesn't have a lot to show for it. Relax, Iruka. I'm just as determined to care for him as I am to care for you, and even for Shiko."

Iruka finishes his cup, sets it on the table and smiles brightly at his Hokage. He's beginning to feel like things might work out alright after all, though it might just be the sake talking. He has no idea how much of it he's had, but he's feeling quite good. Lighthearted, even, and his headache is a distant thrum, though now he is so tired he thinks he could sleep for several days. He supposes he should excuse himself before he passes out and starts drooling on his Hokage's desk. "Well, Tsunade-sama, if that's all for now..?"

Tsunade stands up and walks around her desk. "That's all, Iruka. Go get some sleep, okay? You're starting to look like Gaara."

Iruka stands up and bows, and Tsunade puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing fondly, as he straightens. Overwhelmed by sudden affection, as is his wont when he's this buzzed, Iruka steps into her personal space and hugs her, dropping a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth. "Thanks for looking out for us, Tsunade-sama," he whispers, and steps back. The expression on her face is priceless, though it will probably chagrin him to remember it tomorrow.

Tsunade's incredulity lasts only a moment, and then she bursts into loud, hearty laughter. "We'll have to drink together again, Iruka-kun, when we have absolutely nothing serious to discuss at all. We'll paint this town red. Or at least an obscene shade of pink."

"We'll pee off the Hokage mountain in the sunrise," Iruka mumbles, not even thinking about what he's saying.

This apparently strikes Tsunade as incredibly funny, seeing as she has to hold onto her desk to stay upright through her guffawing. "Oh, man, the—the elders would really get a kick out of that," she chokes out. "Next you'll want to TP the Hyuuga complex."

"Been there, done that." The last couple of things Iruka has said to his Hokage finally register a little, and he feels his alcohol-hot face burning with blood. "Wow, I really do need some sleep."

Tsunade snaps her fingers and the ANBU who escorted him here before appears once again. "Please take Umino-san home, Chelonian. Iruka, here." She produces a ceramic sake flask from her robes and hands it to him.

He blinks. "I think I'm drunk enough, Hokage-sama, but thank you," he refuses politely.

She presses it on him. "You don't have to drink it right now. Your head looks better when you're tipsy, so it probably feels better too, am I right?"

Iruka thinks for a moment. It's true; his head hasn't been bad at all since he started drinking. "Yeah, it does, actually."

"So take this. Just don't overdo it, or you'll have the same problem for a different reason."

Iruka accepts the bottle, feeling slightly nauseous at the prospect of being both hungover and having his memory headaches at the same time. He'll have to be careful. "Thank you, Hokage-sama."

She nods her head, smiling warmly at him, and the ANBU wraps an arm around him and teleports him to his apartment, and then disappears. Iruka disrobes ungracefully and crawls into bed, falling asleep instantly.


	10. Chapter 10

**Part 10**

Kakashi is indulging in his new favorite pastime: staring at the ceiling.

While he's been allowed his collection of Icha Icha, he really can't read them constantly for days on end when there's nothing else to do. Usually when he reads he's multi-tasking, observing his surroundings, eavesdropping on conversations, and always learning, always strategizing. His cell feels almost like a sensory-deprivation tank, which—oddly enough—makes it very hard to concentrate. The silence and the sound of his own breathing are more distracting than a hundred Narutos.

He exercises as much as he can—as much as his drained chakra combined with the chakra suppression will allow—though there's nothing in his room he can push himself with, so he's not certain he's doing his body any more good than if he just sat on his cot all day. But he becomes far too restless if he doesn't move around, so he does it anyway.

Today he's already done all the exercise he can stand, and he's showered behind the little bathroom partition so he doesn't stew in his own sweat. He's glad he doesn't have to take a prison-style communal shower; having to stand practically in the toilet to get under the water properly is a tiny price to pay for the illusion of privacy. He knows there are cameras that cover every angle of the room, but he's never minded the idea of voyeurism, whether he's the voyeur or the one being viewed. It's remote, detached, vicarious. No one's in your space that you don't want to be there.

Now he's lying on his cot and staring intently at the ceiling. The concrete surface is textured, and there are many shadows even under the bright lighting. Kakashi has discovered that if he stares long enough and hard enough, he can begin to see pictures in the surface. At first they were just rudimentary faces or shapes, but the more he does it, the more detailed and complex the images become. He's seen the entire landscape of Sunagakure, Genma spitting senbon at a smirking Shikamaru, one of his past ANBU missions gone horribly wrong and, of course, Iruka, Iruka, Iruka.

They aren't hallucinations, per se, just tricks from his eye and his bored mind—just his regular eye; he keeps the Sharingan closed. His chakra situation is precarious enough.

He enjoys the images mostly because he never knows what's coming next. He has noticed that, if he can keep his attention focused on them long enough, they start to move a little. Sometimes just to morph into something different, but sometimes it's as though a narrative is starting, and Kakashi wants to see if any of them will tell a story. If an audio component to these would come into play, it would be even better, but he thinks that would definitely be a sign he is coming unhinged. _More unhinged, _he supposes. He doesn't know whether he would mind that or not, so he doesn't actively explore it.

Right now he is seeing Iruka and Naruto, their backs to him, walking down a barren road. Iruka's hand is on one of Naruto's shoulders, and Naruto's fists pump into the air. Kakashi keeps as still as possible and tries not to blink; he likes this image, for some reason, and they have a tendency to vanish unexpectedly if he so much as twitches, or blinks for a millisecond too long.

He hasn't thought about Naruto in a long time, except by association when he's contemplated Itachi or Akatsuki. Well, if Kakashi's completely honest with himself, he _tries_ not to think about Naruto, or Sasuke, or even Sakura who is at least still here in the village. He misses them fiercely, enough for it to feel dangerous, their bickering and drama and determination, their warmth and their friendship. He knows that what he told Sakura on the roof of the hospital months ago is a complete lie, that even if Sasuke and Naruto come back tomorrow things will never be the same again. Regardless, he can't help but hope that maybe they will come back to him some day, altered and older but still essentially themselves. Even though he has done nothing to deserve to have any wish of his come true.

Guided by the turn of his thoughts, the Naruto on the ceiling looks taller now, taller than Iruka and just as broad. Kakashi wonders what Naruto would think if he knew what Kakashi has done to Iruka. He'd probably never forgive him. Kakashi will make sure Naruto doesn't find out. There's no way Iruka would tell him, at least.

Would the Godaime tell Sakura?

Kakashi gives his head a violent shake, dissolving the image before his eyes. It doesn't matter. Iruka is the only one who matters right now. He has to be secured in body and heart, and Kakashi will worry about the rest later.

Being locked up in these bare walls with his cold floor and his uncomfortable bed for days on end, mostly left to his own devices, is taking its toll on Kakashi. He can usually control where his thoughts meander, so that he doesn't think about anything he doesn't want to, but he's worried about Iruka. Tsunade stopped Pakkun from reporting back to him after they'd gone to get the scrolls; he's not really sure why, and of course he can't summon him again. The Hokage told him Iruka was holding up 'as well as could be expected', which didn't tell him anything.

His concern for Iruka, combined with a lack of anything better to do, has him thinking about things he ordinarily wouldn't dwell on. Like that this whole endeavor has turned out to be more than he bargained for, and he bargained for quite a bit. He won't say he's bitten off more than he can chew, but the…salvageability of the situation is more questionable than he anticipated.

He had known that developing and using the Mangekyou Sharingan was going to be hell on his chakra, and that it was going to be very dicey to maintain his normal work life while doing it. Several of the Uchiha and Yuuhi jutsu scrolls suggested that he could accomplish much of his goal with the regular Sharingan, but to accomplish some of the necessary jutsu—including Orochimaru's—he would need the Mangekyou.

Orochimaru's jutsu can be cast by other means, obviously, seeing as Orochimaru completed the technique (by accident, it seemed, and not on himself), and the snake Sannin didn't have a Sharingan at the time.

_He has two now,_ his traitorous mind whispers. He ignores it.

However, to use the method Orochimaru used meant he would have had to cause immeasurable suffering to several people, including himself and Iruka, and that was out of the question.

That jutsu—by far the most complicated, draining and dangerous of all the techniques he'd needed to perform on Iruka—had, amazingly, gone off without a hitch. It left him incapacitated for three days, and he'd had to do some very fast talking to prevent medics from swarming him or informing Tsunade. Luckily there was an all-too-brief lull in missions at the time. Luck was indeed part of Kakashi's skill.

The days following the performance of Orochimaru's technique were very disorienting and disturbing for Iruka, even though the jutsu didn't involve memories. Kakashi saw the memories of those days when he was going through Iruka's mind later, looking for Shiko. He'd gotten rid of them, not bothering to try and alter them, just obliterating. It was at that time, erasing those memories, that he realized he'd probably made his move too soon. His control over the Mangekyou was imperfect, and he'd nearly caused Iruka to have a brain hemorrhage.

He would have waited, but when he'd overheard that little bitch bragging that she and Iruka were engaged, he had lost a bit of his precious self-composure.

He'd wanted her to suffer, that's why he'd gone to such elaborate lengths to humiliate her. But there was another reason he hadn't just taken her memories, which even now he was loath to admit: just working on Iruka took almost everything out of him. He wasn't sure if he could have maintained his chakra enough to keep up the continuous alteration of Iruka's memories and the subtle manipulation of his emotions and inhibitions, while at the same time getting rid of all traces of Iruka in at least three other people. Not while keeping everything secret, as well. In the end, it seemed better to do as much as he could while preparing for the eventuality of being found out, though he had really hoped he would have been able to finish altering all the memories first. One couldn't have everything.

He had searched and searched to find some jutsu or scroll that would take care of the process more easily, maybe that wouldn't require him to rely on the Sharingan, but in the end, this was the way he'd had to go. Kurenai could have done something very similar with less chakra, but his way would be much more difficult to deconstruct.

Remembering the painstaking process of altering Iruka's memories, he smiles. He hadn't realized how much he would enjoy weaving himself into the place of Shiko, unraveling her threads to tie his own into the web of Iruka's psyche. It was a delicate operation, to insinuate himself in her place, to replace her responses, her reactions, her movements with his own, while not disrupting the fabric of the memory itself. To overlay her personality with his, and to be able to read Iruka well enough to adapt Iruka's role. It was, literally, re-writing the past, within certain limitations.

He could have completely restructured the memories, but the best lies are mostly truth. There are only a few he made up out of whole cloth, such as Iruka filing the restraining order against Shiko.

The most challenging part of all this had been dealing with the mental roadblocks, which surprised him—he'd thought that would be the easiest step in the process. The roadblocks were necessary to suppress those memories he hadn't altered yet. He couldn't do all the alterations at once, and at first the roadblocks were a clumsy mess, scattered everywhere. When he'd finished with them, he'd discovered that Iruka was literally ill with headache, and he'd gone back in as soon as he'd recovered enough chakra to try and fix the problem. He'd refined his technique quickly, and since the more alterations he made, the more roadblocks he could remove, Iruka had at least been functional after a couple more days. He had hoped that the headaches would disappear with the blockades, but he hadn't had the opportunity to remove them all.

He'd started the process on a fall holiday weekend, so he'd had a window of time to work in. It had barely been enough, and both he and Iruka had been exhausted by the time they both had to get back to work. But they had made it, and they were both so good at covering up their own problems and miseries that no one suspected anything was wrong. Except Shiko, of course.

Every night, Kakashi worked on Iruka's mind, only activating the Mangekyou when absolutely necessary. He cut himself off when he got down to half his normal chakra, which sometimes only took a couple of minutes. He aided his reserves with soldier pills once in a while, but he didn't like to use them—once you crashed, you ended up with less chakra than you had when you popped the pill, which was dangerous.

Iruka had been listless and in great pain when Kakashi had begun working on him, which had really worried him. He hadn't wanted to use trial and error on Iruka, but he hadn't had time to find a suitable guinea pig. He'd studied more and been as careful as he could be; thankfully, after a few days Iruka was bounding around, bursting with life as usual. The headaches were troublesome, but Iruka seemed to brush them off most of the time.

Best of all, Kakashi fit right into his life like a jigsaw piece. Iruka cared for him, cherished him, loved him. He hadn't said 'love' to Kakashi, but Kakashi had created the love, carefully sculpted and nurtured it, so he knew it was there. Iruka—who had brushed him off countless times, who had rejected him, who didn't like men, who gave the time of day to everyone else yet only noticed Kakashi when he had a reason to pity him—welcomed him into his home, his bed, his body, with open arms and the tenderest smile Kakashi had ever seen.

Kakashi had never felt so content.

Like hell he would give that up. Like hell he would let anyone take that from him.

The heavy clomp of boots and the swinging of a trench coat alerted him to the arrival of Morino Ibiki, and he sat up, stretching.

"We're going to be discussing the course of treatment for Umino-san in a few minutes," Ibiki stated without preamble. "Is there anything we need to know that isn't in the documents?"

"No."

"Think carefully."

"There isn't, Ibiki-san. Will Iruka-sensei be at the meeting?"

Ibiki's eyes narrow. "I'm not stupid, Kakashi. I know you didn't give us all the information you have. Whatever you're holding back could cost Umino-san, if it ends up affecting—"

"Let me come to the meeting," Kakashi interjects.

Ibiki is silent for a moment. "Are you saying you won't tell me what you are withholding unless I let you come?"

"No. I'm not holding back anything relevant to the treatment of the alteration of Iruka-sensei's memories. I just want to come to the meeting." His face is impassive, but he actually feels eager inside. Besides providing, at the very least, a source of amusement, he might get to see Iruka. The thought of seeing him again makes Kakashi feel like he's being pumped full of helium.

Ibiki shrugs a little. "We'll discuss whether we think it's advisable for you to be present."

Kakashi smiles.

"If we decide you are allowed to be present," he continues, "you are not to initiate any conversation with him or you'll be right back in here, is that clear?"

No need to ask who 'him' is. "Crystal, Ibiki-san."

Ibiki leaves, and Kakashi sits on the bed, trying to refrain from bouncing in anticipation. Even if Iruka hates him right now, it will be good to be in his presence.

***

Eight days, it has taken. Eight endless, dull, heart-wrenching days, before Iruka has finally gotten a summons from Ibiki, stating that the necessary codes have been cracked, and they can begin their consultation. It is going to be more of a strategy meeting, from what he understands, and several people are going to be there. They will probably consist of the jounin and special jounin Tsunade mentioned to him when he was in the hospital, the ones who had the techniques between them—possibly—to fix him.

Iruka's headaches have actually gotten better, though his memories remain as confused and evasive as ever. According to Wataridori, to whom Iruka has reported for a check-up every day, the abnormalities in his chakra pathways are restoring themselves on their own, so it looks like the headaches may just be a temporary side-effect. Assuming, of course, that it's those abnormalities causing the headaches in the first place, which the medic isn't sure of. Iruka's mostly grateful for the pain relief, but in a way it's a mixed blessing because while the lessened pain makes it easier for him to think, he doesn't want that just now.

At least the Hokage found him something interesting to do. The hospital is implementing an entirely new computer network, and since there are very few Information Technologists in Konoha and Iruka frequently teaches computer basics in his curriculum, he was recruited to help set it up. The hardware is easy and time-consuming, so it eats up a decent chunk of his days and keeps his mind occupied, but trying to learn the actual administration of the network itself has him reading textbooks in bed late into the night. The books are terribly dry, and it's far too easy for him to get sidetracked.

Lots of things distract him. Kakashi's barren side of the bed—they hadn't even lived together, but Iruka can't help but think of the left side as Kakashi's side. Kakashi's razor on the sink, in the en suite bathroom. He wonders if he will have to go through the apartment and gather up all of Kakashi's things, to either give back or throw away. He wants to glue them in place with the kind of adhesive that could stick an I-beam to his ceiling.

The almost-empty box of ohagi sitting on the coffee table is another diversion, which he can just barely see down the hallway through his open bedroom door. When she brought them five days ago, Shiko told him her mother had made them for him. He used to rave about them, apparently. Shiko herself had made short ribs that almost melted at the touch of a fingertip, they were so tender. He hadn't wanted to eat them, hadn't wanted to invite Shiko in, but he had anyway. Just as he has every night since.

He likes Shiko. She is funny, passionate, interesting and energetic. She has her faults, too, including a temper that surpasses his own in many respects, a self-admitted cruel streak and a foul mouth when she gets fired up about something. He feels like they could become very close friends.

Sometimes he daydreams a little, that there's no way to undo what Kakashi's done to his mind, and about Kakashi thus being released from custody and coming home, Iruka and Shiko forgiving him, and Shiko joining in their circle of friends. Perhaps he and Kakashi would even match-make for her, because Iruka cares very much about his friends' happiness.

Shiko never fails to ruin these happy musings, though, by tenderly clasping his hand across the table, or running her fingers across his cheeks, over his lips, or whispering "I love you, Iruka," as she steps out the door after dinner. Iruka bears it all in grim silence, not returning the touches and ignoring the words, but not discouraging her, either. He doesn't want to shoot himself in the foot.

The conflict she stirs in him is so painful that he hopes fiercely every day that she won't show up, yet he can't make himself turn her away.

Last night, however, she tried to kiss him and he nearly punched her through a wall.

She apologized profusely, and even tried to make a joke of it, but the agony behind her eyes made Iruka feel like he must have eaten babies straight out of the womb in a former life.

He's starting to hate Shiko a little, even though none of this is her fault and he knows her feelings for him are real and strong. It makes him hate himself, and he is not used to such dark emotions. Or at least, he's not used to having them on the surface, so close to his conscious mind.

Iruka is relieved to find he can resent Kakashi for doing this to him, that his mind hasn't been gutted to the point that all he can feel toward his erstwhile lover is some form of one-dimensional, programmed affection.

He can also miss Kakashi to the point of madness, the point of seeking out Might Guy for a vicious sparring match, just a few days ago, fighting like a man possessed and actually landing several hits on the taijutsu master. He wasn't focused or skilled enough to keep up the pace, though, and it ended with him being held down by Guy and Guy's students-cum-teammates while he thrashed and screamed like a rabid dog. Their worried faces when he came back to himself shamed him. He hadn't realized his frustration had built up so much, so fast.

It occurs to him that perhaps his frustration has been building for years before this, but he pushes that thought away. What other reason could he have for feeling so violent and helpless, besides this weird, manufactured emotion?

At least Genma hasn't sought him out to ask him more questions. Iruka suspects that the Hokage had a word with him, probably with all the jounin, telling them to lay off the subject.

He arrives on T&I's doorstep more than ready to do _something_, no matter how dangerous or how small, because he can barely recognize himself these days.

Tsunade and an ANBU wearing the mask of some sort of insect meet him at the door. "I think we've got all the information we're going to get," she tells him as he follows her down the bright, sterile corridors.

"Is it enough to work with?" Iruka asks.

Tsunade huffs a little laugh. "It's plenty to work with, I just don't know if it's enough to succeed with. But we will do the best we can."

"That's all I could ask. Thank you, Hokage-sama."

"Don't thank me yet. Iruka," she says, holding out an arm to stop his progress. "Kakashi requested to be present at this meeting."

Iruka's heart beats so hard his vision jumps.

Shrewd eyes search his face. "Naturally that met with mixed reactions, but we decided to let him attend, see how things go. We don't know if he'll be more of a hindrance than a help, but it seems clear that he won't do anything to purposely harm you, and if possible we could use his assistance. Verbally, I mean; I'm not willing to allow him to be part of the procedures we end up using. But, Iruka, if you don't want him there, I'll have him sent back to the cells immediately."

He answers too quickly. "If you think it's alright for him to be there, I trust your judgment, Hokage-sama."

"Hm." Her eyes narrow and pierce, until Iruka starts fidgeting and sighs.

"Also I…"

"You?"

"I want to see him. I miss him. Even though…"

"Is that all you feel about him?"

"I also want to ram his head into a concrete pole. And maybe break his ankles."

Tsunade's gaze finally relaxes. "Good. I suggest you focus on the anger; it'll help you maintain your objectivity as long as you don't let it get the better of you. Plus it might keep you from making an embarrassing spectacle in front of your superiors," she finishes with a smile that's too close to a leer for Iruka's comfort.

His first reaction should, he knows, be to splutter a little, good-naturedly, and claim that he'd never bend protocol so far as to allow himself to have a mushy reunion in public, much less in front of Ibiki and the Godaime. But all bets have been off for a while now, and he can't accurately predict what he'll do anymore. His identity seems to be crumbling away like old shale. So he just smiles and follows her as she starts down the hall again.

They reach a door that is held open by an ANBU guard, and Tsunade steps through. Iruka hangs back for a bare moment, blood rushing in his ears, and takes a deep breath before advancing through the doorway.

Kakashi, bare-faced, dressed in a bland jumpsuit with chakra suppression tags sewn all over it, is the first thing he sees, of course. The jounin has his hands on his lap, and Iruka can see a short spreader-bar between them, to prevent seal formation—redundant safeties are always a good form of prevention on such a high level shinobi. His expression is bland, as always, the exposure of his face doing nothing to reveal what's below the surface. Iruka almost expects him to smile and call out a perky greeting, to make a mockery of this whole proceeding, but Kakashi says nothing, doesn't move.

Even though he expected it, seeing Kakashi there in the room is, Iruka thinks, akin to stepping out his front door and right off a cliff. He knows he's frozen, staring, but he can't do anything except fight for composure, which he's certain he'll lose if he tries to do something foolish like tear his eyes away from that

_beloved_

unreadable

_beautiful_

face.

Kakashi is looking back coolly, but his eyes visibly darken with…something. The only other giveaway of any sort is his hands, which tighten ever so slightly on his pants.

Remembering what the Godaime said about focusing on his anger, Iruka forces himself to remember why he's here, why his life has gone to hell lately. Brow furrowing, he's finally able to tear his eyes away from Kakashi and take his seat. He looks at Ibiki instead, who's sitting at such an angle that Iruka can't see Kakashi at all, and he doesn't look for him again.

"Hokage-sama, Shizune-san, Kurenai-san, Anko-san, Wataridori-san, Iruka-san and Kakashi-san," Ibiki mutters. "We're all here now, so let's get started."

Iruka is surprised and a little relieved that Ibiki still uses an honorific to refer to Kakashi. Generally prisoners aren't afforded such respect, and Iruka seriously doubts Ibiki would slip through force of habit. He watches as the special jounin pulls an overhead projector to his side, and tries to prepare himself for the worst.


	11. Chapter 11

**Part 11**

When Ibiki starts going over the scrolls and information he's put together from the photographs Iruka took for him, Iruka sits in rapt attention. He's determined to memorize everything that has been done to him, from words to hand seals to variations on Sharingan manipulation.

He does alright, for the first hour and a half.

Now it is approaching the two hour mark, and his eyes are starting to glaze over. As a teacher, he's used to giving and hearing lectures, but most aren't this long and none are anywhere near this complicated. This is like attending a seminar in advanced quantum chakra theory combined with neurosurgery. Iruka knows he's a very intelligent man, but he has to admit that most of this is going over his head.

Which is worrying, because this _isn't_ theoretical. This has all been practically applied to his brain.

"May I ask a question?" bursts out of Iruka's lips, before he has even considered speaking.

All eyes turn to him, and his face burns. He's so mortified at having just interrupted Morino Ibiki that he almost forgets the question that's been drifting through his mind, among the particulars of memory transition without incurring agnosia and regression through chakra-controlled dedifferentiation.

"Yes, Umino-san?" Ibiki doesn't betray any annoyance. Iruka hopes that's a good thing.

"There are amnesia jutsu and other amnesia procedures that are a hell of a lot simpler than all this," Iruka manages. "I can't even tell how many jutsu you have going on at once, here. And if I'm not mistaken, there's a lot of redundancy. Why would—" It suddenly occurs to Iruka that he's actually talking to Kakashi, not Ibiki, and he almost freezes up. "Why," he presses on, lowering his eyes to the table and refusing to look over at the eye he can feel boring into his head, "would you choose to go through all this instead? I can see how you would have a greater degree of control with some of the memory transition, but there's so much more that could go wrong with something so complex." His expression hardens. "Unless you weren't worried about whether anything went wrong, and just wanted to see if you could do it."

There is more silence for a moment, and Iruka is grateful that at least the focus isn't on him anymore.

Kakashi's deep voice resounds across the table, and Iruka's eyes close. His ears drink in the sound, bathe in it, revel in it, and he almost misses what Kakashi is saying.

"First of all, I wouldn't have let anything go wrong. If I'd had any doubts about that, I wouldn't have done it. Second, it's true that there are much easier jutsu, but they can be undone just as easily. The less complex ones I've found that couldn't be undone also carry significant risk of permanent damage, on par with lobotomy or retardation. They also carry other drawbacks like loss of time, loss of recognition of people or other things that should be familiar, random memory loss like you'd get with electroshock, and so on. I couldn't find one scroll or one jutsu that would serve, so I had to combine many, and then adapt the use of the Sharingan. The redundancy is mostly to keep the different techniques from reacting with each other."

"Alright, fine. Let me see if I have this straight…" Iruka runs a hand down his face. He's still in academic mode, but talking to Kakashi is making him jittery. He tries not to think about it. "First, you regressed the part of my mind that makes a distinction about which sex I'm attracted to, so that I'm open to both of them."

"Well…it's not exactly regression, Sensei, not in the literal sense of the word. And it's not all in your brain. But yes, that's the general idea."

"You then somehow went through my memories and isolated everything involving Shiko, even just thoughts about her, and sealed them all off individually, leaving all other memories and thoughts—even ones I'd had on the same days, in the same hours—intact. Months and months of memories."

He can hear Kakashi's smile in his response. "Time and space aren't as inflexible when you're using the Sharingan, especially the Mangekyou. Also, it wasn't that perfect. I had to block more than I wanted to, just because, as you've surmised, it's very difficult to isolate a memory, and even harder to isolate the memory of a thought. If I hadn't had a few days to work on the next step, you would have realized you had lost something, no matter what I did."

"And the next step was putting yourself in Shiko's place in my memories, one by one."

"Yes."

"Also, you found a way to adapt my memories so that you fit in them, since obviously you and Shiko are different, and would have reacted differently to the same things."

"It's just as you say."

"Then, once the memories were altered, you unlocked them. Plus you made up a few memories, like the restraining order."

"Correct."

"And all this time, you were trying to maintain a somewhat normal chakra level so that no one would suspect anything was going on, occasionally driving yourself to almost complete chakra exhaustion yet still making an effort to appear to be functioning normally. All the while knowing that eventually you'd be caught, because this ridiculously complicated procedure had far too many variables."

There is silence. Iruka can almost hear Kakashi's eyebrow rise, can almost hear him saying, _So?_

Iruka slumps back in his chair, rubbing his temples. Wataridori has been helping with the headaches, but he can't help with ones that are brought on by incredulity. "You're a complete psychopath, you know that? What the hell was the point of all this, then? To drive me barking mad? Because if that's your plan, congratulations, it's working beautifully."

"I think it's time for a break," Tsunade interrupts, drumming her nails on the table. Iruka almost starts; for a few moments he'd forgotten there was anyone else in the room besides Kakashi.

"Can I answer, first?" Kakashi says.

Iruka hears the Hokage sigh. "I suppose. Keep it succinct."

"The point of this, Iruka, is that even though we're here discussing this, and our colleagues are no doubt going to be dissecting this late into the night looking for some way to undo what I've done, it's far too late. Being caught, not being caught, documents or no documents—none of this matters. The bond between us, Sensei, can't be undone. Not by anyone." There's a slight pause. "Not to disparage your skills, Hokage-sama, nor anyone else's here, but it's the truth."

Iruka looks over at Kakashi for the first time since he set foot in the room, and sees both his eyes. It is then that he realizes something.

Kakashi is definitely not giving everything away. There's something very important that he's not saying, that he's covering up by inundating them all with this deluge of information. It's probably something relatively simple, too.

He wonders briefly if Ibiki knows this, then bites his lip to keep from laughing. Of course he does. The Hokage knows too, if that dark, wary glare she's throwing Kakashi is any indication. If they haven't managed to get the information out of him by now, it's very unlikely that anything short of prolonged torture will make him talk. And maybe not even that.

"I still think you just wanted a guinea pig," Anko says. Iruka thinks it might be her way of trying to lighten the mood.

"Don't be jealous. I would have experimented on you first if I'd had the time," Kakashi replies cheerfully.

Anko grins widely, sending chills down Iruka's spine. "You could still do it! Put yourself in Orochimaru's place, and make catty, pithy comments about all his evil obsessions. That'd make my formative years so much more fun to remember."

Iruka is amazed that she can make jokes about her former sensei; he doesn't think he'd be able to, in her place.

"Pithy? No, no. If it's Orochimaru, I'll be positively verbose. Grandiloquent, even. Hey, come to my cell and we can get started; it's not like I've got anything better to do—"

"Shut up, Hatake," Ibiki growls. "Mitarashi, you go anywhere near his cell and I'll personally tie you to a chair and make you watch civilian educational TV until you're ready to gnaw through your own neck."

The gleeful look on Anko's face rapidly changes to one of awestruck horror. "You wouldn't!"

"You bet your dango?"

"Hell, no!"

Iruka wonders what's so horrid about civilian educational TV. He figures there must be a story behind it, but he's not sure he wants to know.

The Hokage stands up. "Break time. Now. And remember, nothing that has been said here leaves this room. If I find out any of this has gotten back to the elders…" She cracks her knuckles, and there's no need for her to elaborate.

As Kurenai, Wataridori, Anko and Shizune begin bustling out of the room, Tsunade turns to Iruka. "Do you think you've gotten all you want out of this, Iruka?" she asks, smiling. "From here on out, we're probably going to be going over this same information over and over. I don't think there'll be anything you haven't already heard about, but if there is, I'll let you know. There isn't anything else, is there, Hatake-san?" She sends a glower at Kakashi, who hasn't moved from his chair.

"He knows all there is to know, Hokage-sama," Kakashi replies. It's obviously an evasion, but no one calls him on it. Now's not the time, Iruka supposes.

He wonders for a moment if he should be offended that the Hokage is giving him an out on the rest of the meeting, but decides that he really wouldn't be of any help anyway. The meeting was initially called to discuss what options they had available to treat Iruka, but since things are this complicated, the options can't really be chosen; they have to be made. Iruka knows he won't be able to help with that.

"Perhaps I'll go home and watch some educational TV," Iruka muses with a grin.

"I heard that!" calls Anko from the hallway.

"I'll send a message right away when there are any new developments," Tsunade says, clapping him lightly on the shoulder, and Iruka just barely keeps from slamming into the table.

He smiles. "Thanks, Hokage-sama." He nods at Ibiki, and tries not to let his eyes linger on Kakashi as he stands up, though he's starving for the sight of him.

He turns away, feeling like he's leaving his heart—and lungs, and stomach, and intestines, and kidneys, and possibly several other vital organs as well—behind him in that room, where Kakashi sits with his schemes and his secrets.

Kakashi calls after him, stopping him on a dime. "Iruka—"

"Hatake!" Ibiki hollers angrily.

There is silence. Iruka imagines that must be because Kakashi has been forbidden to initiate conversation with him. Half-reluctantly, half-eagerly, he turns his head just enough to see over his shoulder, not enough to see Kakashi. "You have something to say, Kakashi-san?"

More silence. Just as Iruka is about to leave the room, he hears, "Don't forget what I said about us. We're together, so—"

Iruka has been rapidly descending out of academic mode since Tsunade dismissed them, and the reality of everything Kakashi's done has him rising into thoroughly pissed mode. He whirls on Kakashi. "Is that supposed to be threatening or comforting, Kakashi-san? Because no matter which way I look at it, all this is your brilliantly insane way of knocking me over the head with a club and dragging me off to your cave by the hair. So hearing you say our bond can't be broken is more terrifying than anything else you've said."

Kakashi's Sharingan is closed; his right eye widens a little, then narrows. "Is it?"

"Is what?" Iruka snaps.

"Is it terrifying to you? The thought of being bonded with me?"

_It isn't, of course. It damn well ought to be, but it isn't. _Iruka says nothing, but it's obvious that Kakashi can read him, as the corners of his mouth turn up just slightly.

Turning on his heel, Iruka stomps out of the room, and tries not to wonder why Kakashi looked more relieved than smug.

***

Iruka can't stop pacing. He got home a few hours ago, cleaned his entire apartment—not terribly messy to begin with—and tried to relax. But the more he thinks about what Kakashi's done, the more he can't believe he was able to discuss it so dispassionately this morning.

Kakashi, a man for whom he thought he felt things he can't remember feeling for anyone, has plundered his mind. _Raped_ it. Stolen from it, replaced Iruka like a changeling. And even in the face of full—or mostly full—disclosure, Kakashi remains confident that Iruka will stay by his side. Will _want_ to.

He's right, for now, though Iruka hates to admit it.

Iruka flops down on his couch and huffs through gritted teeth. Maybe it would be best, whether or not Tsunade can fix what Kakashi's done, if he lets her send him into exile after all. And poor Shiko, she never asked for any of this. Iruka would go with her, if she wanted. He'd try to love her, if she wanted. He had at one point; he is sure once he is removed from this whole Kakashi debacle he can fall in love with her again. Even though right now the thought makes him feel like he's drowning in his own stomach acid.

He shakes his head. He's not sure if his main concern right now is not letting Kakashi get away with what he's done, or what's best for the village. What _would_ be best for the village? Under these circumstances, he doesn't have a clue. That's up to the Hokage, anyway, he supposes. He'll bow to whatever decision she makes, at the end of all this.

His eye falls on the chair at the end of the table in his dining area, knocked askew in his cleaning frenzy. A memory hits him with such clarity that he can almost see it playing out in front of his waking eyes.

_Kakashi sits in the dining table chair, playing with skewers left over from dinner—chicken satay—and looking over at Iruka, who sits on the couch attempting, and failing, to grade papers._

_Kakashi half-mumbles something that sounds like "Any chance you'll get my rocks off?"_

_Iruka looks up, brows raised. "Excuse me?"_

"_I said, a penny for your thoughts."_

_Iruka's mouth twists around a smile. Kakashi has weird ways of trying to get his attention sometimes. "Sure you did. My hearing's not that bad."_

_Ignoring him, Kakashi continues, "You're obviously not thinking about grading those papers; you've been hovering over that one for fifteen minutes. I'm sure little—" his eye flashes down to the paper on Iruka's lap, which he can apparently read upside-down and across the room, "—Tampopo-chan is a fine student, but surely her essay on elementary interrogation tactics isn't that complex?"_

_Iruka sighs, picking up the essays and putting them on the end table beside him. "I can't concentrate," he admits, leaning his head back and gazing at the ceiling. _

"_Headache?" _

"_No, not really. I'm just…I don't know. Melancholy or something."_

_Kakashi frowns. "That's not like you."_

"_I miss Naruto a lot." Iruka scratches at his scar. "He hasn't written, you know. I'm not worried about his safety, since he's with Jiraiya-sama, but…"_

"_If he hasn't written, he can't. You know that. He can't draw any attention to his location, even if it's anonymous."_

"_I know."_

_A lull in the conversation, then Kakashi pats his legs. "Come sit here."_

_Iruka's eyes narrow. "I'm neither a child nor a woman, K—"_

_Kakashi rolls his eye and gets up, walks across the room and sits on Iruka, straddling him. Not in a sensual way, though it still heats Iruka's blood a little. He links his arms behind Iruka's head. "You have to get over this baffling inferiority complex; sitting on my lap doesn't make you any less of a man, Sensei. Besides, you can't equate women with children, or you'll be eaten alive by kunoichi."_

"_I'm not equating them to anything. They're just different from me."_

"_Oh, don't I know it." Kakashi leers for a moment. "So what can I do to help lighten your mood, besides sex, which I know you're going to say you're not up for? We could do something to remind the village of our little orange absentee. Want to paint obscene graffiti all over the Hyuuga mansion? Deface the Hokage monument or any other of the village's most prominent sacred symbols?" He pauses for a moment. "Except the KIA memorial. That would bring rabid karmic doom upon us. Plus I don't want to."_

_Iruka laughs. "I don't think any of that's necessary. How about we go out to eat, somewhere we've never been before? It's been a long time since we've done that. As long as there's alcohol. I could use a drink."_

_Kakashi's face lights up like a sunlamp, making Iruka smile broadly, though he's a bit confused as to why this suggestion is so pleasing. "Sounds great! Let's go as civilians, too."_

_Iruka's eyes widen. It's extremely rare that Kakashi will venture out in civvies. "Is this a special occasion?" _

"_Yes." Kakashi suddenly hugs Iruka tightly, burying his face in the chuunin's neck. "Yes, it is," he whispers._

A knock at the door rouses Iruka from his reverie, and he's annoyed to find that tears are running freely down his face. He scrubs at them impatiently, and checks his face in the mirror near the door. He looks harassed, and his eyes are a little bright, but he can deal with that. He opens the door to find Shiko standing there.

She smiles. "Hey, how'd it go today?"

Like he's run face-first into a brick wall, Iruka realizes that the memory he's just had might not even really be a memory of Kakashi. It might be a distorted, warped memory of this woman, adapted to suit Kakashi's purpose. And suddenly he can't handle all of this anymore.

He opens his mouth to say something, but all that comes out is a strangled squeak.

Shiko's eyes widen in alarm as he crumples forward to the floor. "Iruka!"

He's on his knees, bent over so far his face is almost on the floor, as deep, bitter sobs tear his throat. He hears Shiko close the front door, feels her sit behind him, her thighs closing around his hips and her hands pulling him gently back against her chest. He doesn't resist; he even grabs her hands and holds them tightly when her arms encircle him. She doesn't say anything, just lays her head on his shoulder while he shakes apart against her, trying to hold him steady.

It's the first time he can remember being grateful for her presence.


	12. Chapter 12

**Part 12**

Even though it violates the orders of his Hokage, Iruka tells Shiko everything, as he huddles on the floor in her embrace. He can't seem to help it; the words tumble out as though his sobs have blown up a dam inside his mind. He trusts her, he realizes, probably as much as he trusts Naruto or Tsunade. It surprises him, and yet it doesn't.

For her part, Shiko stays quiet and lets him talk, stroking his hair and his back, soothing. He can feel her get a little tense from time to time when she gets angry about something he's said, but she never interrupts.

Shiko begins staying over at his apartment after he has his breakdown. She sleeps on the couch, entertains and distracts him whenever he starts thinking too much, helps him clean and cooks for him.

Iruka is devastated to learn that Kakashi's crab cakes, the ones he loves so much, are actually _Shiko's._ Almost more than altering his memories, that seems like a violation of sacred trust, like blasphemy. He doesn't think he'll ever be able to eat them again, no matter who makes them.

He's too afraid to ask Shiko about anything else, about which memories of his are real. He knows most of his memories of Kakashi have to be false, but he doesn't think he could handle knowing which ones are. He has a hard time putting them in order. It would be simple if he could be certain which ones happened more than a month or so ago, but his sense of chronology seems to be screwy. No one ever mentioned that to him, so it might be another inadvertent side-effect of Kakashi's techniques.

He wonders what else might be wrong with him that no one knows about. Kakashi can boast all he likes about not letting anything go awry, but there's no way someone could prepare for every eventuality in a case like this.

It is four more days before the Hokage finally sends Iruka a message saying they believe they've worked out a way to fix him, and they're ready when he is.

Iruka smiles as Shiko's face lights up at the news. She's really been a godsend the past few days. Since the day of the meeting at T&I, she hasn't once mentioned love or acted like anything more than a good friend. He knows she still loves him, but he guesses it must have sunk in that she was causing him pain by reminding him of a relationship he can't remember, and a false relationship he can't forget. She hasn't said a word against Kakashi, either, even though Iruka knows she hates him for all that he's stolen from her.

Now she is joyful at the prospect of finally regaining her lover, her fiancé, and Iruka is happy for her. For himself, he is just uneasy and sick, but determined.

He wonders if Kakashi knows yet.

He wonders what Kakashi will do, after.

Iruka also wonders what _he _will do, after. Will he hate Kakashi? Will he be able to forgive him? Will he want to take Shiko into exile?

Will he love Shiko?

He wonders if he should say goodbye to Kakashi, before he forgets loving him.

Shaking his head, he scribbles out a return message to Tsunade, saying he's on his way to the hospital, where they will perform the procedures.

He releases the messenger bird through the kitchen window, and turns to Shiko. "Well, I guess this is it," he says, dread and anticipation making a stewpot of his stomach.

"Moment of truth?" Shiko says wryly.

"I sure as hell hope so, or it'd be useless to go through with this, wouldn't it?" His voice sounds uncertain, to his annoyance.

Sadness veils Shiko's pretty, dark eyes. "Do you want to go through with this right now, Iruka? I'm sure the Hokage would let you have some more time to think abou—"

"_No_," Iruka growls. "No more thinking. No more considering. I've had nothing else to do but that for the past two weeks, and it's almost driven me out of my mind. I'm doing this now."

Shiko nods. "Good luck, then," she says, clasping his hands.

He squeezes her hands, then holds on to them as she tries to pull away. "Shiko…"

"Hm?"

"Do you…want to come with me? I mean, you'd probably just be in a waiting room for however long this takes, but I…"

"I'll come," she says, grinning widely. "I want to come, yeah."

They walk to the hospital together, not speaking much. Iruka concentrates on what a nice day it is, to prevent the encroaching sensation of his body turning into a hunk of lead. This procedure will be a good thing, so he doesn't know why he's reacting as though he's terrified. He's not.

He is.

Tsunade greets them in the lobby, dressed in medic's whites, and directs Shiko to a waiting room. Shiko wishes Iruka luck again, waves and walks away. Tsunade then guides Iruka up to the third floor, where the procedure will be performed. She seems unusually peppy, and Iruka can't figure out if it's because she's happy or nervous.

"We've found a way to work around some of Kakashi's jutsu so that we can reverse the process," she chatters. "Well, that's a little misleading—Kakashi was right; we can't undo what he's done, but we've found a way that we can restore your memories of Shiko and block off the altered memories. The blocks will make your headaches worse for a day or two, but we can help with the pain, and your chakra and neural pathways should normalize after that."

"Have you told Kakashi about this yet?" Iruka asks.

"We discussed it with him at length, yes."

"And he agrees it will work?"

Tsunade's face darkens a little. "He…has misgivings about our methods, but hasn't put forth any compelling arguments against them. I'm confident that we've worked everything out, though, so don't worry."

_Don't worry. That's funny. _"Hokage-sama…it's extremely unlikely that Kakashi has told us everything, isn't it?"

Tsunade sighs. "Yes. But Ibiki and I both feel strongly that if he knew of a reason that this procedure would be dangerous to you, he wouldn't keep it from us, even if it meant he had to give something away that he hadn't planned on." She scowled fiercely. "I don't like it any more than you do, knowing that there's something he's not saying. We've tried everything we can think of to get all he knows out of him, but he's too well-trained."

"Everything you can think of?" Iruka asks, alarmed. "You tortured him?"

"Iruka." The word is a warning.

He hangs his head, pressing a hand against his tremulous belly.

"Do you want the memories of the month you were with Kakashi?" Tsunade asks. "We are prepared to remove that time from your mind, including the past couple of weeks, if you want. That would make it much easier for you to adjust. You'd lose everything from that month, of course, not just Kakashi, but I think that's the best option."

"I wouldn't remember what he did? None of this?"

"No. We'll go over it all afterward, so that you remain informed, at least, and then we can discuss what's to be done about Kakashi."

"I…no. I don't want that. I don't want to lose any more memories than necessary, and I…" He doesn't want to lose Kakashi. Not in any way, but especially not the way Tsunade is talking about.

But won't it be better that way?

"It's possible you're not objective enough right now to realize what it would mean to keep those memories, when you'll be losing the others," Tsunade says. "It's okay, Iruka; you don't need to decide right now. I just thought it would be more convenient and better for your mental health to get this all done at once, but we can always induce the amnesia later."

"Okay," he says, relieved. Making that kind of decision right now is beyond him, anyway.

They step into a dim chamber with glowing seals lining the floor, walls, and even the ceiling. Everyone who was present at the T&I meeting is there, wearing identical medic's scrubs, except Kakashi. There is a chair at the center of the room, around which all the symbols seem to congregate. There are straps to restrain the head, arms, torso and legs hanging from it.

Iruka shivers.

"Don't worry, Sensei," Anko chirps, following his gaze. "This won't hurt. Much."

"Anko," the Hokage and Ibiki both growl.

The kunoichi smiles innocently.

"Please sit, Umino-san," Ibiki directs him, holding the restraints aside so he can sit down.

"We're going to be doing a delicate operation, Iruka, and we just have to make sure you stay still. It's nothing to worry about," Tsunade reassures him.

"Of course," Iruka mumbles, trying to keep from trembling. He sits down, and remains still while Ibiki straps him firmly in.

Kurenai approaches him with a calm smile, saying, "Well, let's get this show on the road, shall we, Iruka-sensei?"

He clenches his teeth, unable to answer.

Her fingers form seals he's never seen before, and then there is only darkness.

***

Kakashi is not happy.

He has to admit, the procedure that Tsunade and Ibiki had outlined actually has a slight chance of succeeding. He's not too worried about that—what they're doing, he can undo. The biggest challenge will be getting enough time alone with Iruka to work on him, but he's not worried about that either—they can't keep him in here forever, and once he's out of here he'll be able to come up with something. Even if Tsunade makes good on her threat to send Iruka into exile. It might take more time than he'd like, but he can make everything right again. No, the success of their procedure isn't what's got him gnawing on his fingernails.

It's what will happen if the procedure fails.

Ibiki thinks he's come up with a way to block the altered memories, based on the blocks Kakashi used on the original ones, but Kakashi has misgivings about it. Kakashi's blocks and his alterations were based on his Sharingan. He doesn't think the non-Sharingan blocks will interact with the Sharingan-based memories the way Ibiki believes they will, but he only has hypothetical arguments. He doesn't think the procedure they've worked out is cautious enough, but since he can't pinpoint exactly why, of course they assume he just doesn't want them messing with what he's done.

He has a really bad feeling about all this. He'd thought they would have taken longer to come up with a plan of action. He knew they wouldn't let him participate in their operation, but he would have thought they'd put more value on his input, if only for Iruka's safety. He supposes that's why they're not really listening to him, though; they think it's what's best for Iruka. Kakashi has ulterior motives, after all.

Kakashi gets up and starts pacing around the room, chewing on a hangnail. He's trying not to think about what will happen to Iruka's mind if something goes wrong. Why wouldn't Tsunade listen to him? He'd just asked her for a few days to let him go over their procedure so that he could make sure they wouldn't harm Iruka, but she had not believed that was his motivation. Of course it is his motivation! If Iruka ends up damaged, he won't get what he wants, will he? So of course he would take care to prevent that from happening! Why can't Tsunade see that?

For nineteen wretched hours, his mind torments him with possibilities, half-formed plans and anxieties he tries to ignore. There is a cold, gnawing, crawling sensation on the back of his scalp and neck that won't go away, and eventually all of his fingertips bleed from the quick. He can't even remember ever biting his fingernails before, though he might have when he was a child. He can't remember ever feeling anything like this before, except when—

No, he won't relate this situation to the dead. Iruka's not going to die.

_It's your fault if he does._

No it isn't. And even if—

_Your. Fault._

It isn't—

_Killermurdererdestroyer_

"Oh, COME ON!!!" Kakashi roars into the silence of his cell. "He's _not _dead, he's not even close to dying! And even if he _was," _he continues, advancing on the tiny mirror over his tiny sink, "I _don't_ feel fucking guilty about it. I have no regrets about this or anything else I've ever done, so _don't_ give me that _bullshit,_ you son of a bitch!"

"Hatake-san?"

Kakashi whirls around. Ibiki is standing in front of his cell, regarding him shrewdly. He's in medic's whites, probably just come from working on Iruka. Kakashi starts to ask how it went, but the words stick in his throat.

Thankfully, Ibiki anticipates him. "Umino-san is fine. The procedure went well."

Letting out a breath he didn't even know he'd been holding, Kakashi slinks over to his cot on shaky legs and drops onto it hard. "Can I see him?" he almost whispers, knowing the answer, but he has to ask.

"The Godaime and I don't think it's a good idea for you to have any further contact with him. We won't issue a restraining order ourselves unless we have to, but if Umino-san and Tatsumaki-san file for one, it will be upheld."

Tatsumaki. Iruka is with Shiko. He remembers her, loves her. Does Iruka remember him at all? Did they take away even his memories of the month he spent with Kakashi?

Kakashi realizes he is huddling on his bed, hugging his knees, in front of Ibiki. He growls with frustration, gets up and starts pacing.

"I've never seen you like this, Hatake-san," Ibiki murmurs.

"Yeah, you need to let me the hell out of here soon, before I start trying to eat the paint off the walls and calling you daddy," Kakashi snaps.

"I don't think being in this cell is your main problem."

Kakashi stomps up to the glass in front of Ibiki. "What is my 'main problem' then, huh? That I had a fucked-up childhood, my father killed himself, and all my friends are dead? That I can do things even Uchiha Itachi might be squeamish about, and still sleep well at night? That I read porn in front of little children and I don't give a damn who knows? Stop me if I hit on the 'main problem', would you?"

"You're in love with someone whom we are now obligated to keep you from ever seeing again," Ibiki says quietly. "And you probably can't even admit it to—"

"_Love?_ You think this is about _love?_ I don't even know what that is, Ibiki-san!"

Ibiki snorts. "No kidding," he says flatly.

Kakashi's eyes narrow.

"You'll be in this cell for the rest of the week. After that, the Godaime has an assignment for you that will keep you out of the country for a few weeks. Hopefully, by the time you get back, Umino-san and Tatsumaki-san will be gone."

Ignoring the nausea churning in his gut, Kakashi says, "What do you mean, 'hopefully'?"

Ibiki leans against the corridor wall. "The Godaime refuses to order Umino into exile. I can understand why; she needs all the ninja she has right now, and no one—but _no one_—wants to deal with Naruto if he comes home and Umino's not here. But if we can convince Umino that exile is his best option, and he requests it, the Godaime will find somewhere suitable to send him." He sighs. "We're not stupid, Hatake. Like I said before, we know you're keeping something from us, and we know you won't give up. I really don't want to have to put any more shackles on you than you have already, and I don't want to push you into a corner, either, but you aren't giving us much choice. If you swear to your Hokage that you will not pursue Umino-san anymore, she will trust your word. But if you betray even the slightest hint of violating that trust, she's prepared to turn you over to me for reprogramming."

Kakashi almost staggers. 'Reprogramming' is what Root used to do, possibly still does, if Danzou is as active in the shadows as Kakashi suspects he is. The Sandaime was viciously opposed to the practice, and he would have thought the Godaime was as well.

"Don't force us to do that to you, Hatake. A reprogrammed shinobi retains almost nothing of its personality and is of very limited use, and almost all the uses are purely military. We would rather you let us try to help you."

Kakashi stares at the scarred face across the hall, shaking his head slowly. "Help me with _what_, exactly?"

Ibiki steps away from the wall and begins walking away. "Just keep what I've said in mind, Hatake." He pauses, only his back visible. "I've heard from your guard that you haven't eaten in over twenty-four hours. Don't start pulling that nonsense. Eat the next time they bring you food, or I'll shove it down your throat myself." He starts walking again, and a few seconds later, Kakashi hears the hall door clang shut.

He tries to resume pacing, but it feels like all the strength has been sucked out of his legs. He sinks down to the floor in front of his bed, leaning on it.

_Reprogramming._

_Love._

"It's not over yet," he hisses. "Not yet."

***

Iruka is having a hard time tasting the food Shiko has made for them. He thinks it's duck something-or-other. She smiles at him across the table, and he's glad she looks so happy, but the smile he returns her feels like a mask on his face.

It's been two days since he had his mind…restored is the word that Wataridori used, but Iruka doesn't feel like it fits. He feels very disoriented. He remembers his relationship with Shiko, loving her and getting engaged to her. He remembers Kakashi following him around, and being confused about it. He remembers Kakashi coming on to him, and rejecting Kakashi's advances, and then…he remembers forgetting his relationship with Shiko, and being in love with Kakashi. But he can't remember why he was in love with Kakashi or why he forgot Shiko.

Oh, he _knows_ why; the whole sordid situation has been explained to him in detail. But in his mind, it's like he's been fractured into two different people. It's very disturbing.

Tsunade has advised him to let them remove the memories of his month with Kakashi, and he has to admit that would make things a lot easier, in theory. He wouldn't have these weird, divided affections, for one thing.

He knows he loved Shiko with all his heart, before Kakashi started messing with him. He remembers the feeling. According to the Hokage, the only reason he felt anything for Kakashi was because of some memories that were manufactured for that purpose. He doesn't have those memories anymore, but he has the memories of an Iruka who _had_ those memories, and remembers making love to a man, being made love to by that man, and though the notion's never disgusted him he never would have expected the thought to make him so—

"Iruka, is the food okay?"

Iruka looks up at Shiko and smiles. "Oh, it's delicious! I'm just a little…" His smile falters.

Everything had seemed so clear, when he woke up in the hospital bed with his beautiful fiancée holding his hand to her lips. But the more time goes by, the more his attention is divided between the pretty pixie face in front of him and the mismatched eyes he's not allowed to—shouldn't _want_ to—look into anymore.

"I'm going to have them get rid of these memories of Kakashi," he says abruptly.

Shiko pushes away from the table, walks over to him and crouches next to him, putting her hand on his cheek. "I'll go with you to speak to the Hokage about it in the morning, if you want," she says solemnly.

He puts his hand over hers. "Thank you, sweetheart." He knows she's relieved. He knows she wants Kakashi out of his head even more than she wants him out of their lives. If he was in her place, he'd feel just the same. But she has let him make up his own mind about it, without pushing him, and he is grateful to her for that.

Shiko gives him a half-smile, runs her thumb over his bottom lip, and stands up, turning to go back to her seat. Iruka grabs her hand, stopping her.

She turns back to him, raising an eyebrow. He tugs her closer, slips an arm around her waist and pulls her onto his lap. He stares into her eyes for a minute, and then kisses her hard. They haven't done anything like this since before Kakashi, and the familiarity of her slender softness is almost overwhelming. The taste of her is right and wrong. The tongue he sucks into his mouth is the perfect size, and it's too small.

He sucks on it hard, until Shiko whimpers and pushes at his shoulders a little, and he moves his head to trail biting, sucking kisses down her pale throat.

"Are you…sure you want to do this now?" Shiko gasps, clawing at his shirt, pulling it over his head.

Iruka tosses the shirt aside impatiently and rips open her blouse, buttons scattering. "I don't want to think," he growls, biting on her breast through the silk of her bra, sucking on it until the material is dark against her skin. "I don't want to _think._" He shoves the bra off her breasts, up to her neck, and sucks hard on her nipple, grabbing her ass and grinding her hard into his erection.

The moan above his head is deep, far too deep for a woman, and his head snaps up to look into silver and red eyes.

"You're so wanton tonight, Sensei," Kakashi purrs.

"It's your fault," Iruka snarls, standing up. Kakashi wraps his legs around him so Iruka can't dump him on the floor, but that's not what Iruka wants to do, anyway. He leans forward and sweeps an arm across the table. Dishes half full of food go flying across the room, crashing into the wall, the floor, spilling everywhere, but he doesn't care. He slams Kakashi on his back, on the table, kissing him hard while he tears at Kakashi's belt.

"Iruka," Shiko groans, reaching between them and slipping her hand into his pants, around his cock, pulling hard.

"Iruka," Kakashi groans, kicking off his pants and letting Iruka haul Kakashi's leg over his shoulder.

"Ah, slow down!" Shiko cries as he slams into her wet, soft body. "Make it last!"

"Harder," Kakashi growls, slamming his hard, perfect body onto Iruka's cock. "Faster!"

"Iruka, I…"

"Iruka, you…"

"Iruka! Stop!"

Shiko's voice is alarmed, and Iruka can see blood dripping on to her breasts, coming from…

"Your eyes…shit, your ears are bleeding, too!" Shiko pushes him out of her, yanks his pants up and fastens them, then gets up to work on her own. "Come on, let me get a shirt and we'll go to the hospital—"

Iruka lifts his hand to his face. There's blood coming from his nose, now, too.

"Iruka, can you hear me?"

The pain that crashes through Iruka's skull makes the headaches he was having before seem like paper cuts. He doubles over, vomiting.

Memories are exploding into his head like fireworks, memories of Kakashi that are also memories of Shiko, and it's like trying to dissolve oil in water, or teleporting oneself into a stone wall. They're contradictions; they can't mesh; they can't both exist in the same space.

Through the blood in his eyes, he sees Shiko run shirtless from his apartment, yelling for the ANBU that are guarding him from a discreet distance.

He is aware, on some level, that he is screaming.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: **I was going to take a little longer to release the rest of the chapters, but what the hell. Merry Xmas.

Each and every chapter of this story is dedicated to my marvelous betas, **stinky_horowitz, bronzetigress **and **princessgolux.**

**Part 13**

Kakashi wakes up instantly at the sound of the hallway door opening. The clock says it's three in the morning, so he doesn't know who could be coming to visit him or why, but he supposes he'll find out soon enough.

The overhead lights snap on, and he blinks open his eyes as someone knocks hard enough on the glass of his cell that the whole wall reverberates, even with the chakra-infusion. He sits up and looks over into the grim face of the Godaime with growing alarm.

"The procedure failed," she announces.

Kakashi's heart freezes for a moment.

"Your memories destroyed the blocks we made," she continues. "Iruka's got two sets of memories for the same time period fighting it out in his brain. There's so much junk in his head now, his mind doesn't know what to accept and what to reject, so it seems like it's settled on rejecting everything. There isn't much time before he's beyond help."

Kakashi leaps to his feet, advancing on the glass. "I knew it. I _knew_ it!" he shouts. "I told you, you should've—"

"_Kakashi_," the Hokage hisses, "shut up."

He grits his teeth, fuming.

"I can't spend any more time on this right now. I have an emergency meeting with the daimyo tomorrow that I have to leave for in half an hour, and I don't know when I'll be back. We've stabilized Iruka for the moment, but I don't know how long it will last." She sighs, crossing her arms. "He begged me for the opportunity to speak with you, so I brought him along. He's with Ibiki right now," she says, when his eyes dart along the dim hallway. "Listen to me very carefully, Kakashi. I want you to work out with him how you're going to resolve this, because it's obvious you're the only one who can help him now. And you will help _him_, even if it hurts _you_, do you understand me? No more fucking around." Her voice lowers to a snarl. "If I get back from this meeting and you have not cleaned up this mess, Kakashi, there will be hell to pay. I'm talking about levels of hell you've never even _dreamed_ of, and I know you have quite an imagination, not to mention having been there and back several times."

"I understand, Tsunade-sama." His voice is trembling with impatience. _Just let me see him!_

Tsunade nods in the direction of one of the hidden cameras and walks back down the hall without further acknowledgement. When the door closes behind her, he can hear slow, shuffling footsteps advancing toward his cell, and he has a hard time refraining from pressing himself against the glass to see further down the hall.

After what is probably about thirty seconds, but feels like a few hours, Iruka steps into view, leaning on Ibiki. The scarred man is carrying a folding chair, which he sets up in front of Kakashi, and then steadies Iruka as he slides into it with a sigh of relief.

Ibiki straightens up. "I'll be observing," he warns, and then retreats down the hall.

Kakashi barely hears him. All his attention is on Iruka.

The man looks really ill. There is no color at all in his skin, except for feverish spots of flushing high on his cheeks. He's sweating and his eyes are glazed with pain.

It hurts to see Iruka that way, it's like a knife in his chest, but he can only think the same thing he thought when he saw the chuunin walk into the meeting room a week ago: Iruka is the most beautiful thing alive on this earth.

Kakashi opens his mouth to speak, but is surprised into silence when Iruka starts chuckling breathlessly.

"What a…grand old fuck-up this turned into," Iruka says, wincing and rubbing the bridge of his nose.

Smiling, Kakashi kneels down so that he's closer to Iruka's eye level. "Yeah. I never meant for you to hurt this way, Iruka. I…"

He trails off as Iruka waves that away. "I know that, Kakashi."

"Good." Kakashi is a little surprised; he'd expected Iruka to be pissed off at him, or at least stand-offish. He seems more tired, amused and…sad. Kakashi's not sure what to make of it.

"I was really a dick to you, wasn't I?" Iruka says, apropos of nothing.

"Huh?" Kakashi says, brow furrowing.

"Before. Before all…ow!...before all this, before you had the Mangekyou Sharingan."

The obvious severity of Iruka's pain makes it hard for Kakashi to focus on what he's saying. "The Mangekyou..?"

"You would ask me…to do things with you and I was always…always too busy, always brushed you off. Never really looked at you. Never really listened."

_Oh._ Now Kakashi understands. He remembers all that far more clearly than he wants to. He turns his head away.

"Didn't understand," Iruka continues. "Even after you came on to me, and I understood…I still didn't understand. I was patronizing. Pitying. To you, to a jounin who was…ANBU, I was pitying." He huffs a laugh. "I'm surprised you…didn't kill me."

Kakashi glares darkly at the floor. "I wanted to, sometimes."

Another little laugh. "I pushed you…into this, I know. It's my…my fault too."

Well, that's something Kakashi never expected to hear. He's thought that many times, but hearing Iruka say it makes him want to deny it. It sounds flimsy and unfair, to his ears.

"But…Kakashi…"

The jounin's head whips up in alarm as Iruka slumps to his knees in front of the chair. "Iruka—!"

Iruka hauls himself over to the glass, kneeling in front of Kakashi, so close that he'd fit in the circle of Kakashi's arms if it wasn't for that damn transparent wall.

"Kakashi, I understand now," Iruka finishes with a tiny gasp.

"Relax, Iruka, don't push yourself." Why is Iruka talking about things like this right now, anyway? Shouldn't they be talking about getting him well again?

"I understand. These memories you made…everyone talks about them like they're…something fake, something purely manipulative…"

_They are,_ Kakashi thinks. _You know that._

"Even you think that, don't you? But I can compare them to the original…memories now, and I know you're…wrong."

Now Kakashi's really worried. If Iruka's starting to get delusional…there are far too many things that could be going wrong in his head, while they sit here having this weird one-sided conversation.

Screw it. Obviously whatever stability Tsunade provided Iruka is breaking down. Kakashi prepares to go in with the Sharingan, just to hold him together.

"You…put yourself into those memories. Not just some…image of you that you wanted me to see, but _you._"

Kakashi falters, eyes widening.

"Your sense of humor. Your opinions. Your thoughts, your dreams. Your mannerisms, habits, idiosyncrasies. Hopes. Fears. Faults."

_What?_

Iruka presses a hand flat against the glass. "I know you, Kakashi. I _know_ you."

"No." Kakashi's voice is strangled. "No, you—"

"Yes," Iruka whispers, and tears fall down his cheeks when he blinks. "I love you, Kakashi."

Kakashi's hands slap against the glass in front of him, one in front of Iruka's. His eyes are tightly shut and his jaw clenches. The words sear through his brain like lava, white-hot.

"I love you."

"Iruka…"

"So much."

Kakashi's forehead falls against the glass. "Iruka, _please…_"

"But this is not the way. You can't…have it this way, Kakashi."

Kakashi's eyes snap open and he raises his head. "What do you mean?"

Iruka doesn't look perturbed or angry, just very, very sad. "You need…someone to know who you are, but you can't…do it this way. You have to…put my head back in order, Kakashi."

"You…what is it you're asking me to do, Iruka?"

"You need to…unmake these memories you've made. You have to take yourself…out of my head."

Kakashi feels like slowly shattering glass. "I can't."

"You have to."

"I can't do that, Iruka."

"Please…understand. I don't want to lose them. But I can't keep them. They're not…really mine."

"If I block off the other memories again—"

"_No,_" Iruka snarls. "That's not fair…to anyone. Not to me, not to Shiko…not to you. You deserve more. Better. "

"I can obliterate the other memories," Kakashi snarls, "so they never interfere and no one can recover them again. I can pull you out of Shiko's head; my control's a lot better, I can do it pretty easily now."

"Kakashi," Iruka whispers, "I'm begging you. Please do as I say."

"You don't understand!" Kakashi hisses desperately. "I couldn't remove myself from you if I wanted to!"

Iruka's forehead bumps against the glass. Tears are streaming down his face now. There are cords standing out on his neck; his pain is obviously worsening. "Please, Kakashi. Do…whatever you can."

Kakashi can't remember the last time he felt this impotent. "Iruka, listen—"

"I trust you." Iruka's head lifts and thumps back against the glass.

That statement floors Kakashi. Why the hell would Iruka say that?

"God, it hurts," Iruka whispers, raising his head again and hitting it harder against the glass.

"Stop that," Kakashi snaps.

Iruka whimpers. Kakashi isn't sure Iruka is aware of what's going on anymore. He hits his head again, harder.

"Iruka! Stop!"

Iruka growls like a feral animal, and blood spills from his eyes before he rears back and slams his head forward into the glass so hard that Kakashi hears his nose break.

Kakashi pounds uselessly on the glass. "Ibiki, you son of a bitch! What the fuck are you doing?!"

"I'm here, calm down."

Ibiki has appeared behind Iruka, is restraining him now as he thrashes, kicking the folding chair out of the way so it rattles down the hall and out of sight. Kakashi thinks Iruka might be seizing. Blood flies through the air and spatters the glass in front of his face, and Kakashi has never hated a wall so much. He punches at it, kicks it, hurls himself against it, but he can't get through it.

Finally he slumps to the floor, out of breath. Ibiki apparently alerted the medics before he came, because they are wheeling a gurney down the hall. Iruka lies limp in Ibiki's arms, but his bloody eyes are aware again. They are fixed on Kakashi, clear tears cutting through the drying crimson on his cheeks.

"Don't cry," Kakashi chokes. "Don't cry, Sensei."

_Please help me,_ Iruka mouths. Speech seems beyond him.

It's almost beyond Kakashi as well, but he manages. "Okay. Okay. I'll do what I can. I'll do whatever I can. I promise."

Iruka smiles, red-soaked and messy and still so beautiful, and then his eyes roll up in his head as he loses consciousness. Ibiki lifts him carefully onto the gurney, and hangs back as the medics hurry away with him.

"Kakashi, whatever you need me to do, whoever you need me to get, just let me know." He looks down at his feet. "Let's do this right, this time."

"Yeah," Kakashi croaks. "Just…leave me alone for a while, okay? I need to think. I won't be long."

Ibiki nods. "You want me to have someone clean off that glass?"

"Later. Not now."

"I'm turning your room lights off, but I'll leave the hallway lights on."

Kakashi nods, his throat too tight to speak again.

Ibiki finally walks away.

Kakashi remains leaning on the glass, tracing the patterns of blood that are spattered and smeared on it, as sorrow circles his heart and mind like a shark.


	14. Chapter 14

**Part 14**

Kakashi sits quietly in the branches of a tree, watching Iruka and Shiko saying goodbye to her tearful parents. The Hokage is there as well, and some ANBU escorts. No one else is present. No one else knows Iruka and Shiko are leaving the village at this particular time, though the story that Iruka's going on a long mission overseas has been circulating for a couple of days.

The ANBU will escort the couple to the coast, where they will board a ship bound for unknown horizons. Well, they're known to some people, but not to Kakashi.

He doesn't plan on following them. After the things Iruka said to him…he can't.

It didn't take anywhere near as long to unmake Iruka's altered memories as it did to make them, since many of the seals in the procedure room allowed him to make use of other people's chakra instead of his own. Wataridori in particular had a tremendous store of it, almost as much as Naruto—not counting the Kyuubi's, of course. It allowed Kakashi to finish the entire process in about six hours, though he'd still ended up sleeping for two days afterward.

But even if the process itself was easier, the undoing had been terrible. Kakashi was astounded by how right Iruka had been—he _had_ put himself in those memories. He hadn't even realized he was doing it. To dissolve them, watch himself disappear from Iruka's head bit by bit…

He'll raikiri himself in the face before he ever does something like that again.

After he was done, Ibiki obliterated all of Iruka's memories following the time Kakashi performed the first jutsu on him. The month he'd spent with Kakashi, the headaches, the weeks of everyone trying to figure everything out, Iruka telling Kakashi he knew him, loved him—all of that was gone. He'd lost almost two months, and apparently it had taken a long time to get him to accept everything that had happened. Kakashi wasn't a part of that, of course. He hasn't been given another opportunity to speak to Iruka, and from all accounts, Iruka wants nothing to do with him anymore.

Kakashi doesn't know how they got Iruka to agree that exile was necessary. He was in T&I custody for another week, during which no one told him anything.

He was originally supposed to be on a mission out of the country now, but apparently the Hokage's emergency meeting with the daimyo was part of a peace treaty negotiation that rendered the mission request null and void. Since he gave the Hokage his word that he wouldn't go after Iruka, she allowed his release, and even allowed him to witness the chuunin leaving, though she stipulated that he wasn't to get any closer than this tree.

He wishes he _was_ on a mission. He wishes he was anywhere but here, watching Iruka and the woman he loves leave Konoha for good. But he doesn't move until the ANBU have escorted the couple far out of sight, and the Hokage and Shiko's parents are long gone.

Kakashi wanders back into the village, aimless, holding Icha Icha Violence up in front of his face as usual but not even seeing it. His feet take him to the Academy, where classes are still in session. Seeing the place where Iruka spent so much of his time is part balm to his soul, part torture. Wondering at his sudden masochistic tendencies, he enters the building and starts wandering the halls.

He pauses outside a classroom when he hears Iruka's name.

"But when is Iruka-sensei coming back?" some little brat whines. Probably that Konohamaru kid, or one of his friends.

"The mission is indefinite," drawls a familiar voice. It takes Kakashi several seconds to remember the name and face that matches it—Shikamaru, one of Asuma's old team, the only one who became chuunin after that ill-fated exam.

"What's that mean?" asks another child.

"It means he could be gone a really long time, or that he might not come back at all," Shikamaru says.

There is a loud chorus of protests and complaints at this. Most numerous and audible among these are assertions that Iruka wouldn't leave for a long time without saying goodbye.

"When the Hokage orders you to go on a mission," the young chuunin continues loudly, quieting the kids, "you go when you're told to. Sometimes that means you don't get to say goodbye. Sometimes it's even important that you don't. If you don't like things like that, you shouldn't be a ninja."

"But—"

"I'm done talking about this. Get your history books out and start reading chapters five and six. Quietly, or I'm giving you an essay due tomorrow."

There are groans, muttering and even some quiet sniffling, but the kids sound like they're doing as they're told. Iruka would be proud.

The image of Iruka cheerfully passing on a torch to a sleeping Shikamaru, slumped over a desk, leaps into his head, inexplicably depressing him. He walks away from the classroom, staring at the floor. He doesn't even have enough will to hold his book up at the moment, so he tucks it away.

The next time he looks up, he's in a deserted corridor he's almost certain he's never been in before. Funny, he's sure the Academy looks smaller from outside. Out of curiosity, he ducks through a doorway, but it only leads to a storeroom filled with office supplies.

He turns to leave, when he hears a familiar heavy stride loping down the corridor toward him, snagging all of his attention instantly. He does a quick check to make certain his veneer of complete indifference is intact, and a second later, his assailant leaps through the door of the storage room with a somersaulting handspring, and the thoroughly predictable cry of

"DYYYYNAMIC ENTRYYYY!!!"

He stopped wondering a long time ago how the hell Guy manages to find him in places he never expected to be in the first place, but it still sort of amazes him.

There is silence while Guy poses and gleams like a green hazard cone, and Kakashi completely fails to be impressed by him or, in fact, to acknowledge he is there at all.

When Kakashi deems that a suitable amount of time has passed, he shifts slightly and affects a minutely widened eye. "Oh, Guy. Didn't notice you there. 'Sup?"

Guy shakes his fists with frustration. "Kyaa!! Truly, my rival, you are so hip you must have difficulty seeing over your pelvis!* But!" He thrusts an accusing finger at Kakashi. "I will not be dissuaded or deterred from my purpose!"

"Which is?"

"To ask you a question, Kakashi!"

Guy stands in uncharacteristic silence for several moments, finger still pointing. Kakashi waits for the question, but his self-styled rival seemed disinclined to speak further, so he repeats, "Which is?"

"Well…" Guy finally drops his hand. "Forgive me for using strong and inappropriate language, but what the hell is going on?" he demands, his voice low and bewildered. "I will not credit the hearsay and rumors among our fellow jounin, which are too numerous and unlikely—"

"Good, you shouldn't credit them. Whatever they are."

"—but certain facts cannot be ignored!" Guy continues.

Kakashi sighs and sits down on a giant box of highlighters. "What facts are those, Guy?"

Guy sits on a pile of Post-It note boxes, facing him. He looks thoughtful for a minute. "Well, first of all, you were in the custody of T&I for a couple of weeks. I went over there several times to try and find out why, but they would not say and they would not let me see you."

"Of course they wouldn't. It's T&I."

"Of course, but I had to try anyway. Sometimes you can find things out just by trying, even if it's not the information you were expecting."

"Sometimes. How about this time?"

"As a matter of fact, when I was leaving after a most unenlightening conversation with Ibiki-san, I happened to overhear your summon Pakkun arguing with Tsunade-sama. Pakkun was saying that he wanted to give you a report on Iruka-sensei, and Tsunade told him he couldn't, and he should return to the plane from whence he came."

"Ah."

"And it was later that same day that Genma-san reported that Iruka-sensei had personally confirmed that he—Iruka-sensei, that is—and you were embroiled in a youthful relationship of an amorous and libidinous nature!"

Kakashi's mouth drops open a little behind his mask. This is the first he's heard of Genma having talked to Iruka about anything like that. "Reported? To who?"

Guy looks at him curiously. "You don't deny this, Kakashi?"

"No, I don't deny it. Who did Genma report this to?"

"Um, the jounin in the lounge. The Hokage overheard and informed us all that we were not to bother Iruka-sensei about the matter, nor to direct any inquiries about you to the sensei, and she made several very colorful threats to our genitalia to ensure our compliance. But, my rival, if you have cultivated the fullness of love between yourself and the former teacher of our precious students—"

_Fuck._ "Former precious students," he corrects, hoping to distract Guy. Sometimes he's very easy to knock off track, and when he gets off on a tangent he rarely remembers which way his original vector was heading.

Today, though, Guy seems unusually single-minded. "Then, how devastated you must be that the Hokage has had to send him on a mission that removes him from our village to an undisclosed location for what could possibly be years!"

The thought of an honest, stand-up guy like Guy sympathizing with him about this, crying manly tears for him, makes Kakashi feel like seppuku's not such a bad way to spend an afternoon. Or swallowing live weasels, maybe. "He broke up with me before he left. Before he knew he was going to leave, actually."

Guy's eyes widen. "Kakashi, that's terrible! I'm so sor—"

"Look, don't say you're sorry. I deserved it, okay? I was an asshole. It was just sex, anyway. I'm over it."

Silence presses on him like a grindstone for a minute.

"Kakashi." Guy's voice is very quiet, which usually means he's genuinely angry about something. "Even if your relationship is over, you should not cheapen what you had by telling such lies, whether to me or to yourself."

Kakashi forces himself to stand slowly, casually sliding his hands in his pockets, hiding his helpless infuriation. "Whatever," he says, turning away. "You don't know anything about it, Guy. Just drop it."

He starts to leave the storage room, but Guy is suddenly standing between him and the door. "I may not know the particulars, my rival, but I do not need to know them. I know you."

_I know you, Kakashi. I _know_ you._

"You don't know anything," Kakashi snarls. Guy usually doesn't get under his skin this easily—or at all—but today is just not an ordinary day. Kakashi feels like a twig trying to hold up a load of bricks.

"I can see that you are in terrible pain," Guy continues. "Your anger cannot hide it. I know that though you may have lost your way and done something horrible, you are deeply sorry for it."

Kakashi's fist catches Guy under the chin before he even realizes he's moving, knocking the man off his feet and through the doorway. He's straddling Guy almost before he hits the floor, grabbing him by the collar of his green bodysuit and shaking him. "You know _fuck all_ about me, you shitty green bastard! I'm not sorry for anything! I don't regret _anything,_ you son of—"

Guy somehow spins himself under Kakashi so that he gets a leg free, and kicks Kakashi back through the doorway, across the room and into a large metal cabinet on the opposite wall, hard enough that he leaves an impression of himself when he rebounds off it. He sweeps at Guy's feet when he comes through the door, and Guy manages to dodge it even with the cramped environment. Kakashi prepares to defend against the usual offensive, but Guy surprises him by lassoing his legs with some packing twine, presumably procured in this room, then knocking him over with a full-body tackle. It's such a departure from the Green Beast's normal fighting style that Kakashi is still for a few seconds, wondering if this is part of a new move.

No, he realizes with dawning horror. It's not a new move. Guy is partly pinning him, but mostly _hugging_ him.

"You may lie to me, if you like, Kakashi," Guy says quietly, unyielding against Kakashi's struggles. "But I am your friend, and I will not allow you to lie to yourself."

"It's none of your business!" Kakashi cries desperately.

"You've lost something that was very important to you—"

"Fuck off! Let go of me!" He can't really understand why he's panicking, but he can't get himself under control, either.

"—lost someone you obviously loved very much—"

"_What_ love?! Get off me!"

"—I'm so, so sorry, Kakashi."

"If you're sorry, you can make it up to me by _getting the hell off of me!_"

"It's okay to cry."

To Kakashi's mortification, that sentence seems to trigger something in his brain, and his eyes start stinging. "Get off—" He snaps his mouth shut when his voice cracks.

"It's okay to cry," Guy repeats, patting his back gently even while deflecting a viciously aimed kick.

It's like an incantation. Kakashi's chest hitches. "Don't do this to me," he whispers, and his breath catches again.

"It's okay, Kakashi."

"Damn…damn it! Fucker…"

"It's okay."

Kakashi digs his fingers deeply into the muscles of Guy's back, and with a strangled wail, his floodgates open.

***

Later, after Guy wrings out the top of his bodysuit and Kakashi finishes blowing his nose on a spare mask, he says, "Friend or not, Guy, if you mention this to anyone else, _ever_, I will find a very painful and unsavory way to kill you."

Guy pauses in his pursuit of smoothing out every wrinkle in his clothes. "Which part should I refrain from mentioning, the crying or Iruka-sensei?"

"Either."

Guy holds up a hand. "I swear I won't mention anything about either, then. Not even to you."

Kakashi laughs a little. "Heh. I guess you do know me a bit, after all. I appreciate it."

Guy raises a massive brow. "Don't mention it."

It takes Kakashi a second to get it. For such a loud person, Guy's humor can be surprisingly subtle.

***

The months that follow Iruka's departure are some of the most agonizing of Kakashi's life, and he and agony go way back.

He loses interest in taking care of himself for his own sake, only doing as much as it takes to remain an efficient tool. He only shaves when the stubble begins to visibly change the shape of his mask, only eats when his stomach starts cramping painfully, only bathes if the smell would give away his position. He trains just enough to keep from completely losing his edge. The only thing he does more often than usual is sleep, and that's not because he wants to be healthy, it's because he wants to be unconscious.

Sometimes he wonders why he's allowing himself to go through all of this. The jutsu that connects him to Iruka, Orochimaru's jutsu, is still in effect. He knows that if he goes after Iruka, he can still fix this the way he's always meant to. He has enough control now that he can do it fairly quickly. He can even find a nice guy for Shiko, make them think they are in love with each other, once he's cleared Iruka from her mind. He doesn't mind taking care of her, as long as he has Iruka back. Hadn't he been determined that nothing would stop him? Didn't he tell Shiko, what seems like forever ago, that he was a man who got what he wanted?

But…

_I love you…_ _You need someone to know who you are, but you can't do it this way._

_I trust you._

He can't. Even if it's killing him, he can't.

He really should be able to be more of an asshole, at this point in his life.

It surprises Kakashi how many of his colleagues seem to care that he's not at his best. At first, he thinks that it's because Tsunade ordered them to keep an eye on him, or because they're worried that his performance on missions might affect them, but as the months pass that seems less and less likely.

To begin with, Asuma and Kurenai constantly bring him lunch, every single day he's not on a mission, even if he's already eating, even when he asks them not to. They sit with him, talking, engaging him in their conversation when they can, and just talking around him if he refuses. At first it's really annoying. He's always been on good terms with Asuma, but he doesn't know Kurenai all that well, and the two of them together aren't like separate people at all, but some kind of couple entity. However, even after he lashes out at them, says horrible, unforgivable things to Kurenai and even insults the late Sandaime in a desperate attempt to get Asuma to leave him the hell alone, they still come back. They keep returning, keep caring about what he's eating and how he's doing, keep teasing him and bickering in front of him, and eventually he apologizes, and is forgiven.

Every week Ibiki manipulates him into Thursday night poker with some of Kakashi's ANBU kohai, because the man can't just invite him like a normal person. Kakashi has to admit, for the first couple of months he wouldn't have gone if Ibiki hadn't blackmailed or scammed him into it, but after a while it starts being something he looks forward to. One night he tries telling Ibiki that he doesn't have to go to any more trouble to get him to come, that Kakashi will keep showing up regardless. Ibiki just says, "It's no trouble." When Ibiki goes to relieve himself a little later, his kohai admit to him that Ibiki does the same thing to all of them, and doesn't seem inclined to ever stop, even though they'd all show up willingly every week anyway. Kakashi concludes that it must be Ibiki's way of amusing himself, and resolves to put up with it. Besides, it helps keep him on his toes.

Kotetsu and Izumo make regular nuisances of themselves, trying to set Kakashi up with every single man or woman over the age of majority in the village. These set-ups always fail, often spectacularly, without Kakashi even having to refuse a single blind date. He's not sure how they manage to be such monumental screw-ups, until one day when the chuunin are stuck together with syrup and Kakashi's 'date' is cursing like a sailor because her hair is stuck to Izumo's crotch. Kakashi howls with laughter, and through his streaming eye he sees Kotetsu and Izumo exchange a 'mission accomplished' sort of look, and he realizes that all these follies aren't entirely accidental. He can't help but be fond of them after that.

Genma and Raidou, sometimes with other jounin like Aoba, Iwashi and Asuma, invite him out constantly. For drinks, for games, for the Icha Icha film premiere. He even starts taking them up on their invites after a while. It surprises him, but he enjoys himself, from time to time.

Guy challenges him about four or five times more often than usual, and muscles in on Kakashi's training regimen when he notices that Kakashi's barely doing the minimum that he needs to. He hates to admit it, but it helps. He doesn't have any motivation by himself, but with someone there, he can find the will to push his limits again. Guy also is true to his word, and never mentions Kakashi's breakdown or Iruka.

Kakashi thinks Guy might be his best friend, as weird as that seems.

He finds himself summoning his pack a lot more often, too, just to hang out, run through the forest or hunt. His ninken are great for cutting down on the time he has to spend alone, and wearing him out so he can fall right to sleep. At first, Pakkun acts very sympathetic and concerned, but Kakashi manages to irritate him out of that pretty quickly. Once Kakashi establishes that none of them are to mention Iruka, they're great company.

And then, there is Tsunade, who has for some reason taken an intense personal interest in him since Iruka left. She takes over his psych sessions, refuses to send him on solo missions even though he knows that she has plenty of S-ranks that she should be giving him, argues with him, bullies him into going out drinking and gambling with her and Shizune. She is the one who is primarily responsible for pushing him into having a life outside of missions, threatening him into not isolating himself, bulldozing him into accepting company, letting people closer to him.

He would probably have fought harder against all of these people intruding in his life, except they do provide marvelous distraction.

Because when he is alone, everything falls apart.

There is a wound inside of him that is only getting worse as time goes by. It is getting harder and harder to ignore. Kakashi knows it's only a matter of time before he loses control and becomes truly ill, possibly irrevocably. Tsunade can see it, he knows, but she doesn't know what she's seeing. Even if she knew, there's nothing she can do about it, so Kakashi doesn't bother to enlighten her. She gives him physical after physical, enough so that the sound of a rubber glove snapping makes Kakashi want to put on a suit of plate mail, but she can't locate the cause.

He continues to lose weight even though Kurenai and Asuma feed him, his laughter gets fainter even though Kotetsu and Izumo elicit it more often, he gets weaker even though he trains harder with Guy, and he becomes lonelier even with all the company he's started keeping.

Kakashi doesn't really mind, though if he dies this way it's not exactly the standard 'honorable death of a shinobi'. The only thing that worries him is Iruka; he doesn't want Iruka to be experiencing this same illness. But that seems very unlikely, since Iruka doesn't remember enough about him to have the same kind of ties to Kakashi that Kakashi has to him. He's not sure that has a lot to do with it, but he suspects that it does.

***

It is October tenth, about halfway through the seventh month since Iruka left. Kakashi has lunch with Sakura at Ichiraku's, in honor of Naruto's birthday. They discuss Iruka a little, mainly how Naruto will react to his absence. Tsunade told him that she'd communicated with Jiraiya, and they'd decided it would be best if Naruto wasn't informed until he returned to the village, lest he return prematurely and start an uproar instead of concentrating on his training. There will still be an uproar when he returns, but at least he'll be properly trained and prepared by then.

Kakashi hasn't discussed Iruka with anyone since Guy made him cry, except for a few times that Tsunade has pushed him into lashing out at her about him because she's worried about Kakashi 'repressing'. Sakura knows nothing of what went on between them, so the conversation is very casual, but he still feels raw and blistered inside after talking to her.

He tries training for the rest of the afternoon, but he really can't get into it. Genma invites him for a drink, but after the first beer he can't abide company anymore. He feels strange, like something's going to happen; he's anxious and jittery.

Deciding that it would be best if he just spent the evening alone, he buys some take-out gyoza and picks up two bottles of wine, and heads home. He still feels on edge. He decides that he'll summon the pack later, after the wine has mellowed him out a little, and let them keep him company if they can stay quiet. They usually have a remarkably calming effect on him when they're quiet.

He climbs the stairs to his floor, fishing out his keys, and looks up to see someone in civilian clothes sitting in front of his apartment door.

He drops both his keys and the bag he's carrying. One of the bottles of wine smashes on the concrete, splashing him.

Iruka stands up, brushing his hands off on his jeans, and smiles politely. "Good evening, Kakashi-san. We need to talk."

* "I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis." –Zaphod Beeblebrox, _Douglas Adams'_ The Restaurant At the End of the Universe. Line shamelessly stolen because I _really_ wanted Guy to say that, just once.


	15. Chapter 15

**Part 15**

Kakashi feels as though he's been turned to stone. His mind can't make any sense of the image in front of him. All he knows is, if this is a genjutsu, he'll kill anyone who tries to dispel it.

"Kakashi-san? Are you quite alright?" Iruka asks.

That annoying, courteous politeness laced with just a touch of officious impatience is classic Iruka. It knocks him out of his rigid stupor. "You're here," he says breathlessly, taking a few steps toward the chuunin. "You're back."

Iruka blinks at him, but doesn't restate the obvious.

"Does…does the Hokage know?"

"Of course she does," Iruka scoffs. "Can you imagine her not knowing something like that? Ibiki knows too, before you ask. No one else does."

"What…why..? Are you staying here? In Konoha?" He's never seen Iruka's face so unreadable. He has no idea what's going through the chuunin's mind.

Fuck, it's good to see him. He advances another step before he can force his feet to stop, breathing deeply to calm himself.

"Let's talk inside, Kakashi-san."

Inside. Iruka wants to come into his apartment. Is that a good idea? He doesn't want to end up making Iruka mad. He doesn't want Iruka to leave. Kakashi doesn't think he could handle watching the man walk away from him again. Should he suggest they go somewhere else…?

Fuck it.

He hurries to his front door and reaches for his keys, which aren't there. He searches his pockets frantically, until Iruka taps him on the shoulder. Kakashi stares at him, wide-eyed, frozen again by his proximity.

"You dropped your keys over there," Iruka says, pointing. He is close enough that Kakashi can smell his hair, which is down, and longer than he remembers.

It's too much, far too much. It's been so long, and there's no enforced distance between them, no glass wall separating them, and Kakashi knows Iruka will not appreciate his touch but he will gladly let the man tear him into pieces after he… if he could just….

He tears his mask down and hauls Iruka into his arms, burying his face in Iruka's neck and inhaling deeply. The scent is like coming home, and it may be a home he's not welcome in anymore, but he missed it so much he can't make himself let go.

He's shaking, violently, and his knees buckle, but Iruka steadies him as his hands fist and claw at the chuunin's back.

Iruka _steadies_ him. He doesn't fight or yell at him, doesn't kick him onto the shattered glass Kakashi knows is behind him. He doesn't embrace him, either, just keeps him from falling.

It's a dream. It has to be.

Panicking, afraid Iruka will disappear, Kakashi fists a hand in Iruka's hair and grabs his jaw with the other, raising his face to look into Iruka's eyes and opening his mouth to say something, he's not sure what.

A sharp, unmistakable pressure against his throat stops the words from forming. He goes completely still.

"There's a limit to how far I'm willing to go to let you get this out of your system, Kakashi-san," Iruka says quietly, pulling the kunai back just enough that Kakashi can sense its presence without actually feeling it on his skin. "Please don't push it."

Kakashi realizes that Iruka probably thinks he meant to kiss him. "No, no, I just…" He lowers his hands to Iruka's shoulders, then pulls away entirely, leaning back against his door and scrubbing his hands over his face. They come away wet.

He looks up as Iruka moves away from him, and it takes all his will not to reach for him again, stop him from leaving. Iruka doesn't leave, though, just squats down to pick up Kakashi's keys, tossing them over his shoulder. The jounin catches them reflexively.

Iruka stands back up with the wet box of take-out and the other, undamaged bottle of wine, kicking the bag they were in and the broken bottle out of the middle of the walkway. "You can clean that up later," he announces, coming near again to stand by the door. "Inside. Now, please."

Kakashi stares at him for a moment, torn between uneasiness and elation. Too many questions are crowding in his skull. Unable to pick out just one, he finally turns and unlocks his door, pulling his mask back up. He almost holds the door open so Iruka can go in first, but stops himself, allowing Iruka to follow him in. If the chuunin comes to his senses and realizes he doesn't want to be alone with Kakashi in Kakashi's home, he'll be able to escape more easily if Kakashi's not hovering behind him.

Not that Kakashi wants him to be able to escape. Not that he doesn't want to dig himself a basement to chain Iruka up in so he can never, ever go so far away again.

He stalls for several minutes, taking his food and wine from Iruka, putting it away and futzing about in his kitchen, turning the contents of his cabinets upside-down looking for the bancha powder that Iruka likes. He knows he has some left, but for the life of him—

"Kakashi-san, will you please quit wasting time? I didn't come over here for tea, or whatever it is you're looking for," Iruka huffs impatiently.

Kakashi shuts the cabinets and leans his head on one, pulling in a deep breath. He turns and walks over to his apartment's cramped little sitting area, pulling his desk chair in front of the tiny couch Iruka is on, so they can face each other.

Though Iruka was so impatient, it looks like he's having a hard time figuring out where to begin, now that he has Kakashi in front of him. Kakashi uses the time to really study the man, take him in. He looks a little thinner, but not much. It mostly shows in his face, which looks more angular, stronger than before, though the long hair framing his cheeks softens it. The flesh around his eyes is a little bruised-looking, as though he hasn't been sleeping well. Other than that, though, he looks pretty healthy.

"You're not looking too good, Kakashi-san," Iruka comments, unintentionally mirroring his thoughts.

Kakashi waves the observation away. Hell, they might as well start with small talk and then segue into the harder stuff later, instead of just sitting here floundering. "Been on too many missions with short rations lately, you know how it is. How long will you be in the village? Naruto will be livid if he finds out you came back and he missed you."

Iruka stares at him. "Naruto doesn't even know I've been gone."

Kakashi can't believe he just said something so dumb. He forces a laugh. "Ah, you know what I mean."

Iruka shakes his head, but doesn't comment on Kakashi's plummeting intellect. "I might be back permanently," he says quietly.

Kakashi's eye feels like it's going to fall out of his head. For a moment, he's so happy he can hardly sit in his chair, but then crashes back to reality when he realizes that means he'll have to watch Iruka and Shiko loving each other right under his nose. He doesn't know how much of that he can take before he snaps.

Is she his wife now? Why would she agree to come back here, where the evil jounin who almost destroyed their relationship could be lurking around any corner? Kakashi won't do anything else to her or Iruka, but she doesn't know that, and wouldn't believe it anyway, most likely.

"What does Shiko think about that?" Kakashi murmurs.

Iruka's expression is level, but his eyes briefly close for a few seconds. "I wouldn't know," he finally says. "She didn't come back with me."

Kakashi's heart stops briefly.

"You look surprised. Though how I can tell that with almost all of your face covered is a mystery to me. This wasn't part of your plan?" Iruka asks, glaring venomously.

Kakashi's hands fist on the arms of his chair. "My plan ended when you—" _When you told me you loved and trusted me,_ he doesn't say, because Iruka doesn't remember that. He only knows what happened to him from reports, and Kakashi knows that their last conversation isn't in any of them. "It's been over a long time, Iruka-sensei."

"But there's something you haven't told anyone, something that's still affecting me, isn't there?"

There is, of course; it's not just Iruka that it's affecting. But it seems to Kakashi that for Iruka to know what it is might do him more harm than good. It'll almost definitely do _Kakashi_ more harm than good, but Kakashi's way past caring about himself.

"Tell me what happened," he suggests, to buy time.

"Tell you what happened?" Iruka echoes. "Like you don't already know?"

"I don't," Kakashi says truthfully.

Iruka's eyes narrow. "Okay. I'll try and summarize. I woke up one day to find that my mind had been brought to the brink of destruction and back by a crazy jounin stalker, who violated my body as well as my brain. I was advised to leave my home village with my fiancée for our own safety, to go to some country across the ocean that I'd never even heard of. I wouldn't have gone just for myself, no matter what my stalker had done, but since there were questions about Shiko's safety I had to go." His voice hardens, turns poisonous, as his eyes accuse Kakashi. "Because she meant _everything_ to me."

Iruka hates him, Kakashi realizes with despair. Actually hates him. He hadn't thought the chuunin was capable of such a thing. "Meant?" he asks, trying to stay focused.

"Yes, 'meant'. Because after we left Konoha, something weird started happening to me."

Iruka falls silent, his face sad and frustrated.

"Tell me," Kakashi urges softly.

"You have to understand," Iruka murmurs. "I loved her so much. She was my haven from the shinobi life, something I didn't even know I wanted—needed—until I met her. Around her I was able to be someone I hadn't been since my parents died. She accepted everything about me, even the things I wouldn't tell her, didn't want her to have to know. She was my family. Her family was my family. She even let me share her friends, even though I didn't share mine since they were all ninja, and I wanted to keep that away from her. Maybe it was fucked up and selfish, but it worked. I was happy."

Kakashi feels sick. He wishes he'd gotten drunk with Genma before coming home. "So what happened?"

"_You_ happened," Iruka snaps.

"No, I mean…what changed after you left?"

"That's what I'm talking about. I started thinking about you, all the time. At first it was just going over my copies of the reports, thinking, 'How could anyone be that insane? Thank goodness he's hundreds of miles away.' I was also really pissed at you for hurting Shiko the way you did, for making her think she'd lost her mind, for making me hurt her too. Furious for making me cheat on her with you."

Iruka goes quiet again, staring down at his fidgeting hands. He looks almost afraid of what he has to say next. Kakashi refrains from encouraging him to speak, since he doesn't want to distract him.

"I would go over all my memories of you, trying to figure out what it was that got you so hung up on me, why it was my life you chose to ruin. At first I thought it was just your twisted revenge on me for brushing you off and rejecting you, but…little as I wanted to give you any credit, that seemed too flimsy to explain the time and energy you invested, and the levels of manipulation you sank to."

Kakashi winces internally at Iruka's wording.

"I couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer, but I also couldn't stop going over the memories. Almost…greedily. Analyzing your every word and movement, even if at the time I had barely been paying attention to you. It took me a while before I realized I wasn't searching for clues, anymore, I was just…thinking about you." He looks up, meets Kakashi's eye with a gaze filled with baffled wretchedness. "I _missed_ you. Why did I miss you, Kakashi? I had no reason to. Even with everything you've done to me aside, I barely know you. We weren't friends; we were barely acquaintances. You were someone on my periphery. I—"

Any joy Kakashi gets from hearing that Iruka missed him is instantly destroyed with his next words. "Okay, okay. I get it," Kakashi growls thickly, cutting him off. "I didn't matter. I got it." Iruka can't possibly understand how much he's tormenting him right now. If he did, Kakashi wonders if it would be more helpful in making him stop or spurring him on.

"It's not that you didn't matter. You just didn't matter any more than anyone else in the village."

And that, right there, is exactly what Kakashi has dreaded hearing Iruka say from the very beginning. He never, _ever_ wanted to know that. He stands up abruptly, hands shoved in his pockets, and walks across the room to look out of the window next to his bed. He desperately wants to lash out at Iruka, force him into an argument that will have him storming out before he can say anything else devastating.

"Does that frustrate you so much because of your ego, Kakashi-san?"

"Say what you came to say," Kakashi grinds out, "then leave me alone."

He hears Iruka approach him and stop at the desk, leaning against it. "Am I hurting you?" he asks, sounding genuinely curious.

Kakashi grits his teeth against the lump in his throat. He considers lying or making a joke of this, but what would be the point? He's not sure he can right now, anyway. He shoots a seething glare over his shoulder. "Yes, you are. Happy? I deserve it, right?" He hadn't meant to sound so childish, but can't bring himself to care.

Iruka eyes him a moment, then sighs and looks away. "Yes, you do, but I didn't come here to hurt you." He pauses. "And no, it doesn't make me happy at all. Nothing about this makes me happy."

Kakashi turns to the side so he's not quite facing Iruka but not facing away. He crosses his arms and stares at Iruka's reflection in the glass, which is becoming clearer as the sun disappears. This needs to be over with sooner than later. He forces his tone into indifference. "Sorry, didn't mean to sidetrack you. You were saying something about missing me?"

"Yes. I missed you. I wanted to see you, and talk to you, hear your voice. I thought it was just because I wanted an explanation from you in your own words, but that didn't fit with the…the _longing._ And instead of fading with time and distance, it got worse." His voice starts shaking, just the tiniest bit. "It got bad enough that Shiko noticed something was up, even though I tried my best to suppress it. I was distracted all the time; I would drift out in the middle of conversations with her, thinking about something you'd said or something someone had said about you. I couldn't…" Iruka laughs a little. There's a note of hysteria in it. "I couldn't even get into having sex with her, after a couple of months. I couldn't get it up at all, sometimes. I thought it was because I was having trouble adjusting to a new culture, a new country, a new way of life. Shiko thought so too. I even went to see both a medic and a psychiatrist about it. But you know how I realized that wasn't the problem, Kakashi?"

Kakashi shakes his head slowly, still looking only at Iruka's reflection.

"Because I started having wet dreams about you, almost every night. I didn't even have wet dreams when I hit puberty. Even then, I could have written it off—people have sex dreams about all kinds of strange people, right? Just because someone dreams about sleeping with their sister or their dog or whatever the hell people dream about, it doesn't mean anything."

Kakashi's eyes widen at the mention of 'their dog'. He hadn't told Iruka about the dreams where he and Bull…?

No, no fucking way. Those dreams always make him wish there was such a thing as brain detergent. There's no way he would have told anyone about them, not even Iruka, and if he had, Iruka wouldn't remember it anyway. "Right, it means nothing," he says, a little too quickly.

Iruka doesn't seem to notice his minor freak-out. "But it was impossible for me to ignore when I started reacting the same way when I thought about you during my waking hours," he continues. He laughs, high pitched and tremulous. "Imagine my consternation when I couldn't get aroused by my beautiful, sexy girlfriend wrapping her tongue around my cock, but the memory of you trying to force your hand down my pants and asking me to sleep with you couldn't have made me harder if it had turned my dick into a lead pipe."

Kakashi's limbs suddenly feel like wet noodles. He catches himself on the windowsill to keep from falling to his knees. "Shit, Sensei…"

"I thought you had just turned me gay," Iruka goes on. "There was something about that in the report that I couldn't really understand, about making me receptive to men."

Kakashi fixes on that to help bring his focus back. "I never made you gay, Sensei," he says. "That was—"

"I know that now," Iruka interrupts impatiently. "After Shiko and I discussed it—"

"You discussed this with her?"

"I wouldn't have kept it from her," Iruka retorts. "After we discussed it, she suggested I try getting aroused by other men, just to see what would happen. She even found gay clubs for me to go to. But even though I noticed I had an aesthetic appreciation for some men that I'd never had before, I was never once attracted to any of them to the point of arousal. I tried the same thing with other women, reluctantly, with the same results. Shiko concluded that you'd made me 'Kakashi-sexual.'"

Kakashi snorts before he can stop himself. "That wasn't my intention, Sensei."

That is apparently the wrong thing to say. "I don't give a shit what you intended!" Iruka hollers. "It doesn't matter, and I'm not sure I believe that, anyway! You still did it, whatever the hell it is!" His breath hitches a little as he goes on. "I called your name out in bed with Shiko. Do you have any idea how much that hurt her? We couldn't even try having sex again after that. She started to suspect that I'd had feelings for you even before you changed my memories. I tried to convince her it wasn't true, but I don't think she believed me. She never really understood what you're capable of, what _ninja_ are capable of. We started fighting, all the time. Not just about you, about everything. She was so angry, and had no one else to take it out on. I was the same. And we were both so fucking homesick."

Iruka's voice begins to thicken. "I started talking about coming back to Konoha. Tsunade-sama made it clear that she thought we should stay away for at least a year, but she told me that she'd never turn either of us away. I said all sorts of things to try and convince Shiko that we should come back early. I talked about her parents, about not wanting to be away from the village when Naruto came back—Naruto was the only ninja I ever discussed with her, before you. The closest thing to family I had that I could share with her. I talked about how much I missed my old duties, how I missed going on missions and filing shitty reports. I had a job teaching civilian children, but I didn't like it at all. The kids were scared of me, and I was too hard on them because they seemed like spineless slugs, compared to the ninja kids I'm used to. Isn't that terrible?"

Kakashi finally looks away from Iruka's reflection to the man himself, and smiles. "Awful," he agrees.

Iruka stares at him a moment, lips twisting. "I told Shiko that I didn't believe you'd undone as much as you could have, and that maybe we could get you to fix whatever is still wrong with me. I went over all sorts of possibilities like that. I talked about you so fucking much that finally Shiko told me flat out that she didn't believe I really cared about any of that. She said she thought the main reason I wanted to go back to Konoha was so that I could see you again, and that everything else, however important it might have been, was just an excuse."

"Sensei, I'm sure that—"

"She was right."

Kakashi's words gasp to a halt.

"She was right," Iruka repeats, softer, as a tear runs down his cheek.

Never have three words incited so many conflicting emotions in Kakashi. Even more than "I love you" and "I trust you".

"We couldn't stay together, after that. I told her that she should come back here, since it's her home and she has family here, that the Hokage would protect her in case you still had it in for her. I said I wouldn't follow her, if she wanted to return. She told me…" He chokes off for a moment. "She said she never wanted to live in a ninja village again. I woke up the morning after that conversation to an empty apartment and a long, apologetic farewell note that gave no indication where she'd gone."

Kakashi doesn't know what to say, what to do, so he stands mutely, watching as Iruka trembles.

"What could I do, after that, but come back to Konoha? I wrote to Tsunade-sama, told her what happened, told her I was coming back but that I didn't want you to know. I wanted to see if I could be helped without getting you involved. I didn't want you to have the satisfaction of knowing that you'd won."

Kakashi raises a brow. "Won? Won what, Iruka?"

Iruka waves a hand. "You know what I mean; I don't want to quibble over semantics. I don't…" He sighs and shakes his head. "Ibiki-san showed me a very interesting surveillance tape earlier today, Kakashi-san. In this tape, you and I had a very strange conversation. I'm sure you probably remember it even though I obviously can't; it ended with me breaking my nose on the wall of your cell, right in front of your face."

He'd forgotten that had been recorded. Of course Ibiki would have kept it. He doesn't know how he feels about Iruka having seen that encounter. The memory of it still fills Kakashi with helpless, burning grief. "I remember," he whispers. "Of course I do."

"You seemed pretty adamant that you couldn't reverse what you'd done."

"I told you I'd do whatever I could, and I did, Iruka-sensei. I did as much as I could."

"But it wasn't enough."

Iruka's crying silently now. Kakashi hates this. "No, it wasn't."

"I told you some surprising things during that little heart-to-heart." Iruka's voice gives away his tears with its depth, but it is steadier than it's been for a while.

It is very difficult to keep from bashing his head against something to hold at bay the memory of what Iruka said that day. "Yes."

"I don't understand why I said them. From what I understand, I remembered Shiko while I was talking to you, but I still told you I trusted you and lo—"

"Iruka-sensei, I remember everything about that conversation. There's no need to rehash it."

"I don't think you expected me to say those things. I don't think you forced them out of me, or manipulated me into admitting them. I think I really meant everything I said."

Fuck, but Kakashi loathes the feeling of tears burning in his eyes.

"And here, look at this," Iruka says, reaching into his pocket and pulling something out.

He walks up to the jounin, holding out his hand. In it is a somewhat crumpled origami dolphin, with Iruka's name written on it. Kakashi takes it, staring in amazement.

"You made that for me, right? I recognize your handwriting. This has been like my talisman. I could never understand why I held on to it. I kept thinking one day I would throw it away, or at the very least forget to take it out of my pocket and it would fall apart in the wash, but I never forgot. Not even if Shiko was the one doing the laundry. It was the only thing I ever lied to her about; I told her it was from Naruto."

Kakashi covers his masked mouth with his hand for a few moments. Pulling it away, he says, "I can't believe you kept that thing all this time. I left that for you in—"

"It doesn't matter where it came from. I just…" Iruka grabs Kakashi's biceps. "Kakashi-san, will you please, please tell me why I feel this way? Please, tell me why I had to lose the woman I loved, and why I'm so—" He chokes for a moment on a shuddering breath, and presses the back of his hand over his mouth, his other hand fisting in Kakashi's sleeve. "Tell me why, after all you've done, it's so _fucking_ good to see you. I'm begging you. I need to know. I won't tell anyone else, not even the Hokage, I swear. I _swear._"

Kakashi looks at Iruka for a few moments. He starts pulling his mask down, then changes his mind and pulls the material from around his neck over his head, taking the hitai-ate with it, and tossing them with the paper dolphin onto his bed. He curls his hands around Iruka's forearms and squeezes gently. "You don't need to swear, Iruka. You don't need to beg. I'll tell you. You can do as you like afterwards, tell anyone you like. I don't really care what happens to me anymore, so I won't stop you."

"Please don't lie to me, Kakashi-san. No more misdirection, no riddles."

Kakashi guides Iruka gently to sit next to him on the bed, and holds up his right hand. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me god."

Iruka wipes at the tear tracks on his face and raises a brow. "What are you swearing on, Icha Icha Paradise?"

Kakashi reveals nothing more than a cocky grin, but inside he's almost delirious with relief that Iruka can make a joke right now. "That's probably the book I'm the least likely to bear false witness after swearing on, so, sure."

Iruka grins faintly. "Get on with it, then."

Nodding, Kakashi takes a deep breath, and begins.


	16. Chapter 16

**Part 16**

"I was determined to leave no stone unturned in my quest to make you mine," Kakashi begins. "I scoured the Uchiha complex, went through storage rooms in every hidden village, searched abandoned temples in the wilderness, excavated city ruins—"

Iruka looks astonished. "Seriously? You're not speaking figuratively?"

"No."

"Wouldn't that have taken years, though?"

"Who do you think you're talking to?" Kakashi asks, a little affronted.

Iruka scratches the back of his head. "Right. Sorry, go on."

"Anyway, during a mission to Grass Country, I came across some information that led me to an old hideout of Orochimaru's."

"Orochi…?"

"I don't think anyone had been there for years. After a couple of hours of searching, I found a hidden room that had quite a lot of research in it, old documents and scrolls of techniques he'd developed or experimented with. Most of it was uselessly cruel or destructive, but I did come across something very interesting."

"Are you going to tell me," Iruka growls, "that you used a technique on me that _Orochimaru_ invented, that can't be reversed?"

"Yes. Do you want to know what it is?"

Iruka's mouth is hanging open in shock, so Kakashi continues.

"Orochimaru spent years developing his immortality technique, the one where the soul transfers from host to host, binding to a new physical body."

"The technique he's planning to use on Sasuke," Iruka mutters darkly.

"During his research and experiments to develop that technique, he hit upon several others, which—while no good for his original purpose—were nonetheless useful. One of them," Kakashi says, inhaling deeply, "was a technique for binding a soul to another soul."

Kakashi can hear frogs croaking outside in the silence.

"You bound my soul to yours," Iruka states.

"Bound them together," Kakashi corrects.

Iruka looks thoroughly disturbed.

"The technique was originally a failed attempt to transfer a soul into another body, but when Orochimaru figured out what had happened, he experimented with the technique quite a lot. Never on himself, of course. A lot of interesting things happened with the bond. For example, he would separate the bonded pair, keeping them across the continent from each other. The closer the subjects were before the bond was made, the more difficult it was for them to function the further apart they got geographically. If the relationship was more one-sided, the person who was less invested functioned better, but they all had some difficulty. Many showed symptoms of illness. Some people—siblings, lovers—ended up feeling excruciating pain when separated from each other after the bonding. Some—strangers, mostly, but there were also some acquaintances—didn't have much of a problem at all being separated, but when in close proximity they had a tendency to be inseparable, almost literally."

"Siblings…?"

The look of alarm on Iruka's face tells him what the chuunin's thinking. "Orochimaru didn't say if he meant they were intimate. He didn't seem interested in the sexual aspects of that kind of bond. He was more interested in torturing them by using them against each other."

Shuddering, Iruka asks, "This bond…did he ever try to undo it?"

"He did. He tried many different ways over a period of several years, and found there was only one way to dissolve the bond without destroying both souls in the process."

"Death, I presume."

Kakashi nods. "And the death of one of the pair almost inevitably caused the death of the other, unless they had been separated for a while. But even if they'd been kept apart for years, the death of one was still traumatic for the other. However, many still survived it and went on to be tortured by Orochimaru in other ways." He paused. "I figured if you were far away from me, Sensei, you'd be able to live normally with Shiko. I didn't know you'd be affected the way you have been. Orochimaru didn't take many notes about the state of mind of his subjects, unless it was to comment on their pain and despair."

Iruka is shaking his head incredulously. "How could you do something so incredibly careless and dangerous?"

Kakashi looks down at his hands. "At the time, it seemed like the perfect foundation to prepare you for the memory alteration. There was some question about whether your mind would reject the Mangekyou technique, or that your chakra might run interference o—"

"I'm not talking about me, you moron! I'm talking about you!" Iruka looks livid.

Kakashi blinks at him. "I don't follow."

"I get that you wanted to bind me to you in a permanent way that couldn't be undone. It doesn't surprise me, after all this, that you'd be so selfish that you'd compromise my fucking _soul_ for something like this. But, Kakashi-san…what you've done to me, you've done to yourself! I mean, 'lots of missions on short rations', my ass! You really look like shit, Kakashi-san!"

"Ah, thanks." Kakashi raises a brow. "Maa, well. To be honest, I didn't believe I had enough of a soul left for it to matter much what I did with it. I didn't really believe the soul had that much to do with the mind or the physical body, either, I guess. Or at least, any difficulty I had, I figured I could overcome pretty easily."

"But you were wrong, weren't you?"

Kakashi smiles wryly. "I was wrong."

"And now we've both suffered for it."

Kakashi turns his head to look into Iruka's eyes. "I'm not sorry."

Iruka leans his head forward a little, eyes wide. "Excuse me?" he says dangerously.

"Well, I'm sorry for the pain you've suffered, Sensei. All of it. But for myself…" He tilts his head back, looking at the ceiling. He can see Iruka in the shadows thrown up by the light, smiling, laughing. "I only really had a month with you, Iruka-sensei, and you weren't totally yourself for that time. But it was the happiest month of my life. No matter how it came about. If the price I have to pay is to languish without you for the rest of my life, it's still worth it, to me. So I can't regret what I've done." He looks over at Iruka again. "After all, I'm a selfish son of a bitch."

Looking positively mystified, Iruka asks, "Why did you refuse to tell any of this to anyone?"

"Are you kidding?" It's Kakashi's turn to be surprised. "This is a soul-altering technique developed by Orochimaru. It's about as forbidden as you can get, unless you're doing something like raising an army of undead sex slaves. Especially in this village, and certainly under the rule of this particular Hokage. You really think Tsunade-sama would ever allow me to operate freely again if she knew about this? She has her lenient side, but it doesn't stretch this far, Iruka-sensei." He scratches the back of his neck, leaning back to lie on his elbow. "You can talk to her about it now, if you want. Like I said, I won't stop you."

"You don't believe that would change anything for me, though, do you? You're certain there's no way to undo this bond."

"Not unless you kill me."

"Don't tempt me."

That makes Kakashi want to say something flirty about temptation, and he clamps down on it with a sigh. He doesn't like censoring himself, but Iruka is near him, sitting on his bed, and he plans to make that last as long as possible.

"I can't believe you did this to us. What the hell are we supposed to do now, Kakashi-san?"

"You can stay in Konoha." He slides his eyes back to the ceiling. "You can stay with me. I don't mean living together, necessarily. I mean, _stay_ with me."

Iruka is silent and still.

"I know it's a strange concept right now," Kakashi admits, sitting up. "The circumstances are really fucked up. But think about it, would you? I want you near me." He can't stand this conversation; it's time to re-direct. "I'm not trying to prey on you like a shark on a hapless dolphin anymore."

That makes Iruka's eyes narrow, his brow furrow, just as Kakashi knew it would. "Dolphins _kill_ sharks, you know."

"In self-defense, sure." He smiles to himself as he can almost see Iruka's feathers ruffling, though underneath that Iruka looks as glad for the subject change as he is.

"You think dolphins don't seek out kills?"

"Of course they do. They eat fish, don't they? Some people seem to believe those are alive."

Iruka crosses his arms, gaze flinty. "Sometimes young dolphins wash ashore dead, with no external wounds, but when you cut them open their organs are all contused, ruptured, or practically exploded, like they've been hit with a sonic attack. Do you know what kills them?"

Kakashi wonders where Iruka's going with this. "Lightning?" he says, just to say something.

"Adult dolphins."

It's Kakashi's turn to furrow his brow. "Why?"

"There doesn't seem to be a reason. It's not like what happens with other animals, like when the new alpha male kills the children of his rivals. No one's even sure if it's males or females who do the killing, or both. Often more than one dolphin attacks at a time. As far as anyone knows, they do it for fun. It even looks like playing, when they attack. I've seen it. The dolphin will ram the pup with its beak, using such spinning force that it hurls the pup out of the water, rotating until it splashes back down. But that's not even the weirdest thing."

"What's the weirdest thing, Sensei?"

"It's not just young dolphins they do this to. They also do it to pilot porpoises. Of course, no one knows why they do that, either, but you want to know what the prevailing theory is?"

Iruka is obviously enjoying telling him this, though Kakashi thinks it's taking the analogy a bit far. He doesn't really care. It's just good to see Iruka feeling better. "Tell me."

"Pilot porpoises are roughly the size and shape of young dolphins."

Kakashi breaks into a smile; he can't help it. "Target practice?"

Iruka echoes his expression with a wicked grin that makes Kakashi's pulse race. "And you thought _you_ were brutal and enigmatic."

"I bow to the superior violence and mystique of your namesake, Sensei."

"My point is that there's more to a dolphin than meets the eye, you know. There's more to it than being cute, chirping and jumping through hoops, giving rides—"

"Extending metaphors," Kakashi interjects innocently.

Iruka glares. "I'm not as nice as people seem to think I am," he clarifies. "Especially after the last few months."

"If you had nothing beneath your smile besides another smile, Sensei, I wouldn't find you anywhere near as interesting," Kakashi answers seriously.

"And though I may feel…compelled…to stay near you, I'm not inclined to be nice to you at all, Kakashi-san."

Kakashi's heart swells. "If you stay near me, even if you're cruel, that's more than I ever expected."

"It's more than you deserve."

"Far more."

Iruka drops his eyes from Kakashi's, looking troubled. He scrubs at his forehead with his fingertips, slowly at first, and then faster and hard enough to look like he's trying to dig his fingers into his brain. A growl builds in his throat.

"Iruka?" Kakashi scoots a little closer, reaching for Iruka's hands to pull them away from his head.

The growl erupts into a howl of rage, and Iruka throws himself off the bed and slams his fist through the wall in front of him. Kakashi hears one of the studs break.

Iruka's shoulders heave with exertion and emotion. Kakashi stands up slowly. "Did you hurt your hand?" he asks.

The heaving in Iruka's shoulders rapidly relaxes, but Iruka doesn't respond or turn away from the wall.

"Let me see it." Kakashi steps forward and reaches out a hand to take Iruka's arm.

He senses the strike coming, but doesn't dodge, and then he's looking at the tip of a kunai emerging from the back of his hand. He blinks up at Iruka, who is regarding him with an icy calm fury he recognizes instantly, though he's never seen it in anyone who isn't an ANBU veteran.

"No," Iruka says, his voice deceptively casual. "No, this isn't going to go how you want." His hands shoot up and around Kakashi's throat. "You don't get to win, Kakashi." The hands tighten fiercely.

Kakashi realizes that he's looking at the influence of his own soul in Iruka. Some of the changes he's noticed in himself recently start to make more sense. He smiles, and doesn't fight.

Iruka smiles back at him, squeezing harder, thumbs pressing in sharply. "I'll wipe that smirk off your face if it's the last thing I do, you fucker."

Kakashi gags. His eyes bulge and his vision starts to blacken. His body is trying to tense, to fight, but he forces it to stay relaxed.

The smile fades from Iruka's face. The coldness drains from his eyes, and they fill with misery. He lets Kakashi go and turns away from him.

Kakashi collapses to his knees, coughing and gagging.

"Do you _want_ to die, Kakashi?"

He knows he can't speak yet, so he doesn't try. Still gasping in as much air as he can, he yanks out the kunai that is still embedded in his hand and tosses it behind him.

"What the hell am I supposed to do," Iruka murmurs. "What the hell should I do? How can I…" He trails off, shaking his head.

Kakashi strips off his shirt and wraps it around his wounded hand. It makes a bulky bandage, but he doesn't want to leave the room to wrap it properly right now. He stands up, swaying a little, and touches Iruka's shoulder.

Iruka turns around, eyes bright with anguish.

'You don't have to do anything,' Kakashi carefully mouths. He wishes he could use hand signs, but that would be hard to do with one hand bleeding all over the place. 'Just stay here in Konoha.'

"You said that people with this bond who stay in close proximity become inseparable. How can I possibly allow that? How could I retain any sort of self-respect?"

'It's not a normal situation. You can't judge yourself using your normal standards.'

Iruka scowls. "That's easy for you to say. Do you even have a compass to judge yourself by?"

Kakashi smiles broadly. 'Not usually. I can use you, though.'

The scowl is replaced by bewilderment. "Why would you?"

Kakashi forces his abused voice box to vibrate. "I love you, Iruka," he whispers in a voice that sounds like a wet sheet being dragged over gravel.

Iruka's eyes go wide. "Liar."

Kakashi shakes his head, and continues mouthing, 'You know I'm not. I've never said that to you before, either.'

"I don't love you, Kakashi-san. This weird obsession, this bond, none of this means love. I don't even know you."

"I know _you_, Sensei," Kakashi rasps. "And you knew me before, and loved me then. If it happened once, it can happen again." He coughs, tasting a little blood in the back of his throat.

Iruka looks lost for a moment, and then shakes his head. "I'm going to leave now. I need to think, and you need to go to the hospital." Guilt flashes over the chuunin's face as he regards Kakashi's shirt-wrapped hand, and the bruises no doubt forming on his throat. He opens his mouth and Kakashi covers it with his fingers.

'No apologies,' he mouths.

Iruka wraps his fingers around Kakashi's hand and pulls it away from his lips, but doesn't let go of it. He rubs his thumb along Kakashi's palm, contemplating the hand like it's a fascinating new species of butterfly. Kakashi tugs a little to get Iruka to look up at him.

When the sensei's eyes are on his face, he grins and silently teases, 'I'm getting mixed signals, here, Iruka-sensei.'

Iruka drops his hand, eyes flashing. Kakashi expects that Iruka will get a little flustered or angry and storm away, but the chuunin surprises him. "I'll give you mixed signals," he growls, grabs Kakashi's face and kisses him aggressively. It's more like an attack than affection, and ends with Iruka sucking Kakashi's bottom lip into his mouth and biting almost all the way through it.

Shoving Kakashi away, Iruka swipes at the blood on his lips. "Analyze _those_ signals, asshole," he snaps. "And go to the fucking hospital."

Kakashi watches the chuunin stomp out of the apartment. He stands still for a while, blood dripping down his chin and onto the chilly wooden floor, his hand beginning to soak through his shirt, his abused throat tasting of copper.

Slowly, his lips stretch into a smile that feels like it might extend past his ears. He's never felt so exultant. He laughs out loud, and even though it hurts and sounds like he's sandblasting concrete, he can't stop.

_This is going to work out. This is actually going to work out._

"Anything for you, Sensei," Kakashi wheezes, still chuckling as he frees his injured hand and begins the seals for teleportation to the hospital. "Anything at all."


	17. Chapter 17

**Warning: **man-sex.

**A/N: **Thank you all for reading! Please leave me a review, even if it's been months or years since this was released. I'd be pleased to hear from you.

**Part 17**

Gloved hands shoved deeply in his pockets, Iruka pulls his dark military trench coat tighter around his body. His boots crunch crisply in the snow. It is rare for snow to fall in Konoha, even rarer for it to build up and stick. He is determined to enjoy it as much as possible before it's gone.

He's been back in Konoha for well over a year now, and only yesterday got his first letter from Naruto. He grins. It wasn't so much a letter as a journal of the boy's adventures, a manila envelope stuffed with over thirty pages of awkward, tight scrawl of dubious spelling, spanning the two and a half years he's been gone. Apparently he worked on it from time to time, whenever he thought of it, and finally mailed it all together when he got the chance. Iruka is more affected than Naruto will ever know, that his former student thought of him so often and shared so much with him.

He wonders, wry smile twisting his lips, how long Sakura's letter is. He wouldn't be surprised to learn it had taken two or three envelopes to fit all the pages.

Even better than getting the letter was the news it reported at the end: Naruto will be home in two months, in mid-April. Iruka can't wait to see how much the boy has grown, how he's changed and how he's remained the same. Iruka's really missed his loud, mischievous ray of sunshine.

His hand crinkles the envelope in his pocket, one he just got today and hasn't opened yet, as he thinks about another person he's missed.

He stops walking as he reaches the bridge, the one where Naruto used to meet his team back when they were all genin, back before Sasuke was completely consumed by his vengeance. Leaning against the rail, he listens to the burbling of the stream below—it's not quite cold enough to freeze over the surface of the water—and pulls the envelope out of his pocket. It's thin, plain, and there's no return address on it, but he recognizes the handwriting. It's his first, and possibly only, letter from Shiko.

The desire to bury it in a drawer and forget about it is almost as strong as the desire to read it, but Iruka won't hide from this. He owes that much to her.

He slits the envelope carefully with the edge of a shuriken, takes out the single sheet of paper, and begins to read.

_Dear Iruka,_

_Been a long time, huh? Been a really long time. I wanted to write you to let you know how I'm doing, because I know you care, even though it would be easier if I could believe you don't. _

_The place I've settled for the time being is nice, a little dull but picturesque and the rent is cheap. I've got a job as a librarian in a government facility, which is also a little dull, but the people I work with are really great. They've helped me through many difficult days. _

_I don't really have a life outside of work, aside from joining my co-workers for a pint or two after a shift or on the weekend. I don't really want one, either. Especially not a love life, at least not yet. I still grieve for you, for us. The wounds are still raw._

_Sometimes I'm smothered by doubts about our decision to end us, my decision to leave. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe if I'd stayed with you, we could have worked out something we could both live with. Maybe the specter of Kakashi that hung over us, over you, would have faded with time. Maybe we could have gotten through the darkness and come out the other side even stronger._

_But, I don't really believe any of that. It's just wishful thinking because I miss you so very, very much. It still hurts like hell to know that, from the beginning, there was nothing I could have done to change any of this. _

_Sometimes I wish I could have Kakashi take you out of my head, the way he took me out of yours—without the replacements, of course. Cowardly of me, I know, but I can't help it. _

_I can't really hate Kakashi anymore. In the facility I work for, there are a lot of top-secret files about various ninja, and there is an extensive dossier on Sharingan no Kakashi. Of course I don't have the clearance to read it, but ninja aren't the only people in the world who can dodge security. I read it out of morbid curiosity, and it was quite enlightening. The things he's supposed to have done…and a lot of it's 'alleged', so I don't know if it was all true, but even if he only did less than half of what it said, it's no wonder that he turned out so fucked up. I would be able to hate him if he'd done all those things on his own, but it was Konoha who ordered him to do them. It just confirms that I've made the right choice to not live in a ninja village. I see ninja more often than I want as it is, working where I do. _

_If you are with Kakashi, I hope you've been a stabilizing influence on him. If you are not, I hope it's because that's what you really want. Either way, I hope you're happy, or at least not miserable anymore._

_I'll send my return address when I feel able._

_Love always,_

_Shiko_

Iruka silently folds the letter and puts it back in the envelope, slipping it back into his pocket. He turns and leans on the railing with his elbows, hands clasped in front. His heart throbs and burns with pain. The knowledge that Shiko is still hurting so much is almost more than he can bear.

He is not 'with' Kakashi, has never been 'with' him aside from a month he can't remember and doesn't want to, but it's more out of sheer stubbornness than because he doesn't want to be. He's trying hard to resist what seems inevitable because he doesn't like the notion that something beyond his control is dictating what he wants and who he's with.

In the beginning, that reasoning was rock-solid, and even though Kakashi pushed him almost past his endurance trying to get him into a relationship, Iruka was able to put him off. It took Kakashi a few months, but it finally seemed to sink in that he wasn't doing himself any favors by being so aggressive. After that, he backed off, gave Iruka space, let Iruka seek him out instead of constantly forcing his way into Iruka's attention.

And seek him out Iruka did, out of necessity. The bond they share makes it physically painful if they are in reasonably close proximity and don't come into contact for several days. Luckily, they can stay apart for longer periods if there's distance between them, or their effectiveness as ninja would have been severely compromised. It's a little compromised as it is; Kakashi was away for two months in Cloud Country last spring, and by the time he got back they were both almost insane with longing.

Iruka almost, _almost_ went to bed with him then, but stuck to his resolve. This enraged Kakashi so much that he destroyed his own apartment, and then went to T&I and demanded that Ibiki lock him up until he could calm down enough to keep from forcing himself on Iruka. Ibiki accommodated him, knowing Kakashi wouldn't have come to him if it wasn't very serious.

Kakashi was incarcerated there for over a day, and then Tsunade sent him on another mission. When he got back two days later, he was able to be rational again. He and Iruka talked for a long time, and they were able to work out the guidelines for a tentative, platonic friendship. It obviously pained Kakashi a great deal, having to give up pursuing something he wanted so much, but he stuck to their agreement.

Their friendship slowly grew more comfortable, easier for both of them to bear. Now, when they are both in town, they see each other every day. Iruka was surprised to discover how likeable Kakashi is when he's not being psychotic. He's easy to talk to, for Iruka at least, and their conversations cover everything under the sun and are never boring. And damn, but the man can cook. Iruka suspects it has something to do with the Sharingan, but he doesn't want to know. He misses Shiko's crab cakes sometimes, but that was the only thing she really knew how to make well, while Kakashi can make just about anything taste fabulous. Iruka's added several extra hours of training into his week just to balance out the calories, because Kakashi's more than happy to cook anything he wants, anytime. He returns the favor when he can, but he doesn't have as much free time as Kakashi, and he's a mediocre cook at best.

Of course, time spent with Kakashi isn't all good times and feasting. The man can be incredibly self-absorbed—self-obsessed, really—and childish, arrogant, petty, argumentative and so thoroughly obnoxious that it's all Iruka can do to keep from snapping into kill mode. But he can also be kind, fair, funny, whimsical and surprisingly thoughtful when he puts his mind to it. And he holds Naruto in high esteem, which carries a lot of weight with Iruka.

And if sometimes it obviously causes Kakashi pain to be around Iruka, enough to make him lash out like a cornered, wounded animal; if sometimes he gazes on Iruka with an eye full of melancholy or despair…well, that's the bed he's made for himself. Iruka can hardly cut him loose, considering.

He sighs, scrubbing his hands through his hair, rubbing at his cold ears. The truth is, Iruka is starting to feel a lot less like he's taking the healthy course of action by not allowing himself to get too involved with Kakashi. It feels more like he's clinging to principles that don't really apply anymore out of sheer bullheadedness. Maybe there's a little bit of martyrdom there too, because of Shiko, and the grieving process for her as well.

The main thing that's kept him from letting things progress past friendship with Kakashi is the uncertainty of whether it's really Iruka that is attracted to Kakashi, or if it's the soul bond. If the bond was dissolved somehow, he doesn't know if he'd still feel anything like he does now. There is no data explaining to what extent the soul bond influences one's feelings toward the person one is bonded to, and even if Orochimaru had tried to measure such a thing it would probably be pretty inaccurate.

Iruka couldn't bring himself to go straight to the Hokage with the news about the soul bonding jutsu; he went to Ibiki instead. Surprisingly, Ibiki advised against bringing the matter before the Hokage. Ibiki thought Kakashi's assessment that Tsunade would not be able to allow him to operate as a shinobi if she was aware of the matter was correct, and Kakashi's skills were desperately needed. She would also probably place severe restrictions on Iruka as well, since the full effects of the jutsu were unknown and the source was so questionable, to put it mildly. Which would mean another desperately needed shinobi partially or fully out of commission.

They had a meeting with Tsunade—himself, Kakashi and Ibiki—where the interrogator did a masterful job of explaining the situation without being at all specific or giving anything away. Tsunade rubbed her temples with her fingertips and said that as long as no one's mission or job performance was impaired and no one was being hurt in any way, she didn't want to know about it unless Iruka felt it was necessary.

Iruka was moved that she would leave the matter up to his discretion. He chose not to tell her.

The price Ibiki extracted for allowing Kakashi to escape reprimand was that he show Ibiki a particular disintegration trap jutsu and how to undo it, and that he allow all materials and documents that he had hidden in a house in the Uchiha complex to be confiscated.

"I know you've probably already moved everything important somewhere else," Ibiki had said, "but if you know what's good for you, you'll leave something down there that will interest me before we go in."

Kakashi reported later that Ibiki was very satisfied with what Kakashi had left him, so all was well.

It was another condition of Kakashi's reprieve that he turn over all information he had regarding Orochimaru's soul bonding jutsu to T&I, so they could look for a way to undo it. Kakashi did so without complaint. Two weeks later Ibiki told Iruka that, while they would never stop looking for a way to dissolve the bond, it was very likely they'd never find one. He should learn to live with it, Ibiki said. Iruka had been extremely relieved that Kakashi hadn't been lying about the jutsu being impossible to undo, but it disturbed him to think that his mind and heart—his soul—weren't completely his own anymore and never would be.

However…after more than a year, Iruka is tired of second-guessing what he feels. He's tired of trying to separate his soul from Kakashi's in his mind, tired of being suspicious of anything he feels toward Kakashi. He's tired of punishing Kakashi for what he did. He's tired of punishing himself.

If this soul bond is going to be a part of him forever, he's going to have to trust it if he ever wants to trust himself again. He's going to have to accept that even if it is influencing what he thinks and feels, how he acts, that's all part of who he is now. Besides, he and Kakashi are stuck with each other no matter what, so Iruka may as well enjoy it if he can.

A little part of him thinks that maybe if he moves on with Kakashi, cosmic synchronicity will allow Shiko to move on as well. It's silly, but far stranger things have been known to happen.

His heart constricts a little as he realizes he's actually come to a decision.

Iruka senses someone approaching, and though he doesn't hear him, see him or feel his chakra, he knows who it is. He smiles.

"Communing with the eternal, Sensei?" Kakashi asks.

Iruka turns around, leaning back on his elbows. "I don't even know how one would go about finding the eternal, much less communing with it. I'm just indulging in everyday, ordinary introspection." He snickers to himself, because Kakashi looks surprisingly cute with a round knitted hat pulled close around his head like a skullcap, hiding his hair. That seems to be his only concession to the cold; he's not even wearing a jacket over his uniform. His mask is down, hooked around his stubbled chin—he obviously hasn't bothered to shave today—and he's wearing an eye patch instead of the hitai-ate.

"Ahh, Sensei, one does not seek out the eternal. The eternal seeks you," Kakashi sagely proclaims, leaning next to Iruka on the railing.

Iruka snorts. "You're a master of meaningless platitudes, Kakashi."

"We all have our specialties." They look out across the bridge in silence for a few minutes, then Kakashi asks, "Did you get your novel from Naruto?"

"I did," Iruka replies, grin stretching wide. "I take it you got one too?"

"A measly twenty-two pages. Sakura's came in five separate envelopes."

Iruka bursts out laughing. "I'd guessed maybe two or three."

"You underestimate his ability to pad a letter with mushy declarations of eternal devotion."

"Ah, well," Iruka chuckles, "it wouldn't be the first time he's been underestimated. He's more than the sum of his parts, that one."

Kakashi nods. "It'll be good to have him back home," he says softly, almost to himself.

"It'll be great," Iruka agrees. "I've really missed him."

"Me too."

Iruka fidgets with the cuff of his coat for a minute before saying, "I got a letter from Shiko today."

He watches Kakashi in the periphery of his vision. The jounin's only outward sign of distress is a tightening around his visible eye. "Oh, yeah? How is she?" he asks disinterestedly.

"She's having a hard time moving on."

"Hm. Is she thinking of coming back here?" Kakashi's voice is so casual, he could be discussing the weather, or some tidbit he read in the paper this morning, or any number of trivialities, were it not for the white-knuckled grip he has on the railing.

Iruka's tempted to torment him a little, but decides against it. "No. I told you, she doesn't want to live in a ninja village."

Kakashi's hands relax a little, but his eye is still troubled. "Does she want you back?" He looks like he regrets asking for an instant after the question leaves his mouth, before schooling his face into perfect neutrality.

"She doesn't say," Iruka admits.

"Ah." It's amazing how someone can look so nonchalant and still radiate so much tension.

Iruka takes pity on him. "Kakashi, even if she wanted to try again, we can't go back. Things are different now; that part of my life is over. I miss her, but what's past is past. Besides, if I wanted to be with her, I'd have to leave Konoha again. I didn't like it the last time I did it, and I'm not at all eager to do it again."

"Maa, Iruka-sensei, you don't have to justify anything to me. It's not like I'm your boyfriend, or something." His tone is playful and the tension is gone from his face, so Iruka just punches his shoulder lightly and doesn't get on his case about being childish. "Speaking of boyfriends," Kakashi continues, "I've been meaning to ask you this for a while, but I keep getting distracted by shiny objects."

It's Iruka's turn to get a little tense. "Oh?"

"How come you've never asked me, or anyone, to make you…unreceptive to men again?"

Iruka relaxes. "Oh, that. Is that reversible?"

"Theoretically," Kakashi says slowly.

"Well…I guess in light of other things, it just never seemed that important. It was a bit disconcerting at first, finding men as…appealing to me as women, but I never really minded it. I was never homophobic; men just didn't interest me. Now, they do." He shrugs. "It's added a dimension to my life and taken nothing away, so I see no reason to let people mess around with my head anymore, trying to fix something that isn't really broken."

"What an enlightened view, Sensei."

"That's not tacit permission to add any more dimensions to my life, Kakashi," Iruka warns, only half-joking.

Kakashi feigns hurt. "Would I do that?"

Iruka crosses his arms and glares.

Laughing, Kakashi rubs the back of his head with one hand, holding the other up, placating. "No new dimensions. Got it, Sensei."

They watch the landscape for a few minutes. There is a cold wind blowing steadily now, and Iruka's nose is starting to run. He licks his chapped lips. He left his hair down because it is so cold, and now it keeps blowing into his eyes. He doesn't bother trying to push it back.

His heart has taken up residence in his throat and it feels like there's an earthquake in his guts, as he tries to figure out how to say what he wants to say to Kakashi. Now that he's come to a decision, he doesn't want to put this off.

"Kakashi…"

The jounin turns toward him. "Hm?" His eye narrows a little. "What's the matter, Iruka?"

Iruka's mind is completely blank, but he opens his mouth anyway and hears himself say, "Do you want to have a go at it?"

He doesn't know what he really meant to say, but that was definitely not it. It's difficult to refrain from clapping a hand over his mouth or hitting the heel of his palm against his forehead. He wills his face not to heat up, but he can practically feel steam rising off his cheeks.

The look Kakashi's giving him clearly says, 'That can't possibly mean what I think it means.' "Do I want to have a go at what?" he asks with exaggerated enunciation, as though he doesn't think his mouth is working properly.

Well, now that Iruka's said it, he's got to work with it. "Me. Us. Me and you." He waves back and forth between them. "Do you still want to?"

Now Kakashi's look says Iruka has pole-axed him in the chest. He moves to stand directly in front of Iruka. His face is definitely not indifferent now. It's fearful and dangerous, hopeful and despairing. It's painful to look at, but Iruka holds Kakashi's gaze steadily.

"You…are you fucking serious?" Kakashi asks, his voice strained and reedy.

"I'm tired of fighting this, Kakashi. There's no point, and it's just hurting both of us."

The look in Kakashi's eye is sharp enough to cut through steel. He's trembling all over. "Fighting what, Iruka?"

Iruka almost gets annoyed, but realizes that he should appreciate that Kakashi wants it spelled out for him, with no room for assumptions. Even so, he can't help stalling. "Fighting the way I feel about you."

A ragged breath. "What way would that be?"

Iruka's shaking a little too, now, and his eyes drop from Kakashi's face. "Well…that is, I…" He takes a deep, steadying breath, his sinuses burning with cold.

Kakashi clutches Iruka's bicep hard with one hand, and the other tilts his chin up, gaze imploring.

"…Love you," Iruka finally whispers.

Kakashi is statue-still for so long that Iruka starts to feel panicky, but then he sees Kakashi's throat working as two burning tears slip down his right cheek. He opens his mouth as though he's going to say something, but falls to his knees instead, still clutching Iruka's arm. He buries his face in Iruka's belly, releasing his hold to wrap both arms tightly around Iruka's middle. His shoulders heave in short staccato bursts, but he makes no noise.

Unsure what to do, Iruka settles one hand on Kakashi's shoulder and cradles the back of his head with the other, rubbing gently with his fingers. They stay like that until Kakashi's shoulders stop shaking.

Abruptly, Kakashi's arms tighten hard, and Iruka lets out a surprised yelp as Kakashi stands up, lifting him off the ground. Kakashi lets out a whoop and laughs, verging on hysteria, as he spins them around.

Iruka looks down at his face, trying to muster up indignity. "Put me…" He trails off, staring, because he didn't know Kakashi had such a happy expression in his repertoire. Even with the tears still leaking from his eye, it's a little like looking into the sun.

Kakashi squats down and Iruka's feet touch the ground again. The jounin stands up and takes Iruka's head between his hands, bringing their foreheads together. "You're sure about this. You're _sure?_" he gasps, breath warming Iruka's cold-numbed lips.

Iruka chuckles breathlessly, feeling lightheaded and slightly euphoric. "Idiot. I wouldn't have said anything if I wasn't sure."

"You'd better be _damn _sure. You can't take this back later. You can't decide it was a mistake. I'll lose my fucking mind, Iruka." Kakashi's teeth are chattering, and Iruka doesn't think it's from the cold.

Iruka puts a gloved hand on Kakashi's cheek, pushing his head back a little so he can see his face. "I won't change my mind. I mean it."

He takes a breath to say something else, but Kakashi kisses him roughly, tongue at his lips like a battering ram, stubble prickling his skin, and all words flee from the assault. He opens his mouth wide, arms tightening hard around Kakashi's chest. At the taste of the jounin's tongue, a mindless hunger sweeps over Iruka, and he sucks on it hard, biting, clawing at Kakashi's back like an animal.

A slight disorientation followed by the sudden absence of clear winter light and biting cold conspire to distantly alert Iruka that Kakashi's had the presence of mind to teleport them somewhere indoors, but Iruka's so starved for this that he wouldn't have stopped even if they'd fallen into the stream under the bridge. The sudden change in temperature makes his exposed skin burn, exciting his senses. He shoves Kakashi down, following him down to the rough carpet on the floor of wherever they are, mouth still devouring Kakashi's as he rips his gloves off and shrugs out of his coat.

Kakashi isn't idle; he lifts his legs one by one and reaches around Iruka so he can tear his boots off. He undoes his pants frantically and shoves them down, kicking them away, as Iruka claws Kakashi's vest and shirt off, short, sharp nails digging red trails along Kakashi's chest. Iruka follows them with his tongue and teeth as he wraps his fist hard around Kakashi's cock. Kakashi cries out, pulling at Iruka's shirt impatiently, and Iruka lets go of Kakashi to yank it off. He surges forward, crushing his mouth against Kakashi's as he wraps his arms around Kakashi's torso, lifting him, forcing their bare chests violently together. His mouth leaves Kakashi's to bite down hard on the junction of his shoulder and neck.

"Easy," he hears Kakashi pant.

"_Fuck_ easy," Iruka growls.

Kakashi's throaty chuckle causes something in Iruka's mind to come unhinged. He has only the dimmest awareness of his pants being undone and shoved down to his knees, of Kakashi's calf on his right shoulder and Kakashi's other leg wrapped high around his back. What fills his mind and senses are the hard, heavy, burning-slick feel of Kakashi's body, his chilled fingers and hot, hot mouth, the heady, rutting scents of precum, sweat and saliva, the salt-savory taste of Kakashi's mouth and skin, the sound of Kakashi's groaning, gasping cries. The only sense that doesn't feel amplified is sight. All he sees are Kakashi's eyes, both of them visible now, locked on his, and darkness seems to close around them as Iruka pushes into Kakashi's body.

The words _Shit, I'm fucking a man_ flash across his mind like a spark and disappear.

He feels both of Kakashi's feet on his ass, pushing like he's trying to shove Iruka's entire body inside of him. Their eyes are still locked, and Iruka can't look at anything else. The Sharingan spins once and is still.

Through the fog of ecstasy, Iruka notices that the darkness has taken on strange qualities. It rolls over the two of them in waves, like water, as though they're submerged in a dreaming sea. He can't feel the floor anymore, can't feel himself moving, only the heat and pleasure and the strange currents of the darkness.

Iruka's hands are holding Kakashi's above his head, and they start to feel strange, like his bones have become rubbery. Iruka pulls his eyes from Kakashi's to look at them. They are growing into each other, Kakashi's fingers submerged in the back of his palm, their shapes spreading out and distorting. His legs have already fused with Kakashi's, he realizes, when he tries to move. The sensation is disconcerting, but it does not feel wrong, and it makes him curious. He lowers his chest to Kakashi's, and feels the flesh and bone begin to melt together, hearts becoming one organ with one beat.

It's exhilarating. It's madness.

_Are you doing this,_ he tries to ask, but Kakashi's mouth is on his, and his eyes close briefly. When he opens them, the dark sea has receded and he is back on the floor, digging his fingers into Kakashi's hips as though he's trying to reach the bones, pounding into Kakashi like he wants to fuck him in half. Kakashi's hand is a blur on his cock, and his jaw is clenched, teeth bared in a snarl. He's giving as good as he gets, ankles locked around Iruka's waist giving him leverage to slam his hips up. Iruka hears helpless, desperate cries coming from his own throat, and then Kakashi throws his head back and _screams_ like an eagle as he comes. Iruka comes after him like a tidal wave, roaring and enormous, so hard that it feels like his eyes are going to fall out of his head.

Iruka collapses on top of Kakashi, and they lie there gasping for a long time.

After emerging from the maelstrom of pleasure, it occurs to Iruka that he was probably a bit rough, and the only lubricant he used was whatever precum was on his cock when he shoved it in. "Did I hurt you, Kakashi?" he asks, too drained to be as concerned as he probably should be.

"Hurt me? Fuck, no, you didn't hurt me." Kakashi's words are a little slurred, and he sounds amused. "That was fucking incredible."

Iruka pulls out slowly, groaning, and gets shakily to his knees, lifting one of Kakashi's legs to inspect him. He looks chafed and swollen, but there's no sign of blood. Iruka relaxes and lies back down next to him.

"If you're that worried," Kakashi says, "you can let me top next time."

Iruka makes a noncommittal noise. He's too sated to think about having more sex right now, and is not sure he's ready to contemplate the subject of Kakashi penetrating him.

"Iruka…" Kakashi hesitates.

Lifting himself up on an elbow, Iruka eyes the jounin. "Hm?"

"Did you…like it? I mean, as far as you remember, this is your first time fucking a man, right?"

Iruka chuckles, stretching out a hand to run over Kakashi's chest, rubbing the remains of ejaculate into his skin. "It was spectacular, Kakashi."

Kakashi grins smugly, reaching up to stroke Iruka's arm.

Iruka frowns, remembering. "Although…"

The grin falters. "I don't like that tone."

Iruka waves a hand. "It's nothing bad. It's just…did you get the sense that we were, at one point…floating somewhere, and fusing together?" He cringes inwardly. If Kakashi believes he's so good he makes Iruka hallucinate, there'll be no end to his conceit.

Kakashi looks surprised. He props himself up on his elbow, turning to face Iruka. "You got that too? I was afraid I was dreaming all this, when that happened."

"You weren't doing that with your Sharingan?"

Hurt flashes through Kakashi's eye as he snaps the Sharingan closed. "Of course not. I told you I wouldn't use that on you again without your permission, Sensei."

Iruka strokes a hand across his cheek. "I thought perhaps it was something beyond your control, in a situation like that."

"No, I would feel the chakra drain if it was the Sharingan. I don't know what that was. Something to do with the bond, maybe."

Iruka's brow furrows. "But nothing like that happened when we were together before?"

"No, but that doesn't really mean anything. It could be that was only because the bond was so new."

Iruka's very troubled by this. There is so much they don't know about the nature of the soul, and a bond like this could have many consequences they can't foresee. That dark sea…it wasn't like a dream at all. Iruka can almost feel those insubstantial waves rolling against his skin; the sensation is not fading.

"Iruka, did you dislike it? Melting into each other, I mean. Was it bad?"

"It was…" Iruka searches for the right word. "It was unsettling, but it wasn't bad. I didn't mind it at all, when it was happening."

Kakashi reaches over and pulls Iruka in for a kiss. "Good," he says. "Neither did I."

Iruka turns away, sits up and looks around the room. They're on the floor of what looks like someone's living room. The blinds on the windows are all closed, and it's too dim to make out any colors, but he can see the shapes of the furniture and the layout of the room. He doesn't recognize it.

"Where the hell are we, Kakashi?"

"Ah, heh…it's, um…Guy's place."

Iruka stares at him. "Guy's place."

"He's on a mission to Sand. Asked me to water his plants." Kakashi looks sheepish.

"Oh, is that what we're here for," Iruka says conversationally.

"Well, I didn't want to presume to teleport into your apartment, and I had the dogs over last night and I haven't had a chance to clean up yet, so…this was the only place I could think of." He peers at Iruka. "You mad?"

Iruka shakes his head, grabbing Kakashi's discarded shirt and cleaning himself off with it. "No, I'm not mad. I might have been a little weirded out if you'd taken us to his bedroom, but this is fine." He pulls his pants up and fastens them.

Kakashi, still naked, scoots over to him and wraps his arms around Iruka's chest, kissing his shoulder, his neck, his cheek. "I'm still in shock from all this," he murmurs. "I'm still not totally convinced I'm not dreaming. You've been so insistent for so long that you didn't want to be with me like this. What changed your mind?"

Iruka strokes Kakashi's arm. "Like I said, I'm tired of fighting. We've got to be around each other for the rest of our lives, so if I'm going to be attracted to you, I don't feel like torturing myself forever. Or torturing you, to be honest, even if sometimes it seems like I should."

Kakashi's arms loosen a little. "So it's because of the bond jutsu."

Iruka turns in the loose circle of arms to look at Kakashi. He's smiling, but his eyes are pained. He doesn't meet Iruka's eyes. "What is?"

"You're just here because you can't get away from me. If it weren't for the bond—"

"Kakashi, there's no way to know what things would be like without the bond. It's over and done; you did it yourself! This is how you've set things up, and we both have to live with it." When Kakashi still refuses to look at him, Iruka sighs and puts his arms around Kakashi's waist. "Look, if you hadn't performed this bond jutsu on us, you would have gotten sick of me and moved on a long time ago. It's not just me."

Kakashi shakes his head. "I don't think that's true, Sensei."

Iruka throws his head back, huffing in frustration. "What the hell is it about me that got you so hung up on me, anyway? I mean, out of all the people you could have chosen to fixate on, why did you pick me? What makes me so goddamn special?"

There is only silence. Kakashi lowers his arms to Iruka's waist, resting them loosely, his head bowed, eyes on the floor.

"I'm serious, Kakashi, I really want to know."

Kakashi finally raises his head to look at Iruka. "Ninja don't usually make it very far past thirty. Shinobi who get to be our age…they live like they expect to be cut down any minute. They either act half-dead already, or live like they're trying to pack an entire lifetime of experience into every day. But you, Sensei…" He trails off.

Iruka squeezes his arms around Kakashi. He knows what the jounin's talking about, but can't figure out where he's going. "What about me?"

Kakashi's eyes flicker away for a moment. "You're always so busy, so friendly, schedule always full, but not like you're trying to beat the clock. You live like you expect to live—like you expect to be alive tomorrow, and the next day, and next week, and next year. Whether you're teaching pre-genin terrorists or running an A-class mission." Kakashi pulls Iruka near and lays his head on the chuunin's shoulder. "You're so alive, Sensei. So alive."

Iruka stares into space, processing. "You started wanting me…because I'm alive."

Kakashi looks up, drawing back. "Well, when you say it like that, it sounds idiotic. But that really means something in the ninja world, doesn't it? You know what I'm trying to say."

Iruka isn't sure he does, but he doesn't think it will make any more sense if it's explained further—it will probably make even less sense, actually—so he just nods.

Kakashi seems satisfied with that, and puts his head back down. "I only wanted to have you, then. I didn't want to love you. I didn't ever expect to. And I didn't care if you loved me or not." He pauses. "I don't love you because of any jutsu, Iruka. There was nothing in Orochimaru's research to indicate that people fell in love with each other because of the soul bond. I love you because you're Iruka."

Iruka smiles, leaning over to drop a kiss on Kakashi's forehead. "Well, the same goes for me, then, so quit moping."

"I don't mope." Iruka can hear the grin in Kakashi's voice. After a minute of silence, during which the jounin slides his bare body into Iruka's lap, straddling him, Kakashi continues. "I suppose I really don't care why you're here, as long as you want to be here."

"I want to. I feel kind of like Sleeping Beauty eloping with the fairy who cursed her, though."

Kakashi raises a brow. "Fairy..?"

"Or better yet, the prince leaving Snow White to the dwarves and running off with the wicked queen."

Now both brows are raised, and Kakashi leans back to punch Iruka lightly in the chest. "First I'm a fairy, and now I'm a queen? What exactly are you trying to say?"

"Hey, it's not my fault that most of the villains in those sorts of tales are women."

Kakashi scoffs. "Those stories were so dogmatic. Like the Garden of Eden all over again." He looks thoughtful for a second. "So I'm the villain of this story, huh?"

Iruka laughs, hands on Kakashi's hips. "Even you can't deny that." He lowers his eyes, and they narrow. "Things weren't supposed to work out like this."

Kakashi tips his head back, looking at him intently. "If you're going to say you want this, you can't resent me for it. You're choosing this."

Iruka leans up and kisses him firmly. "You're right. I am. Besides," he goes on, pulling Kakashi closer, "in any story, given another year, or two, or ten, things might be just the opposite of what they were when the story ended. The villains might win after all. Or they might reform. Or the hero might fall prey to wickedness. It all depends on where one ends the story."

"Well, for today," Kakashi purrs, sliding his hard-on along Iruka's bare stomach, "let's end the story here, with us fucking each other stupid until we both pass out."

"On Guy's living room floor."

"Do you care?" Kakashi growls as he pushes Iruka back, grinding his hips.

"Not even a little," Iruka pants, as he pulls Kakashi down and they fall into the shadows and drown, together.


End file.
